Love, Hate, and the Insane Connection Between Them
by The Phoenix Queen
Summary: Lily's story: love, life and lies. Also secretslike what really happened the night Remus almost killed Snape and the secret behind the 2way mirrors. LJ, SBOC, RLOC, Peternobody 'cause he's a traitor.
1. It's all in the past

I met my true love, mortal enemy and pettiest rival on the same day. Little did I know that in time they would turn out to be the same person.

This momentous day on which we met was everything out of the ordinary. My parents were rushing up and down the stairs, in and out of rooms, carrying everything I would need for school.

From the kitchen where I sat and pretended to be eating my breakfast, I could hear them calling out to each other as they passed, talking about what they still needed to pack.

"Eat, eat!" my mother chided as she rushed past, carrying at least twenty rolls of parchment in her arms.

I kept swallowing, but my throat was sticky and my stomach full of butterflies. How could I eat? It was my first day of a magic boarding school, and I had never spent so much as two weeks away from home before.

Across the table sat my sister Petunia and I could tell that she was furiously pretending I wasn't there. I looked down into my cold cereal, feeling miserable. For the first ten years of my life, we had been the best of friends. I was delighted to be her younger sister, thrilled every time she styled my hair or pulled me onto her lap when we were watching a movie. She used to bring me shopping with her sometimes and whenever we were out in public, if she met someone she knew Petunia would proudly display me, saying "This is my sister Lily. Isn't she _gorgeous_?"

Even when I was too young to know what 'gorgeous' meant, I loved hearing her say that. I loved the way her voice swelled with pride, and how she would brush through my hair with her fingers, and how I knew it must be a good word by the way people would nod and smile at me.

And then the letter came.

Flashback

_I was sitting at the table in our dining room, feeling full and happy. The fading sunlight tickled my cheek gently and I could hardly sit still with excitement, happily shredding the paper from packages stacked in piles around me. There were several from my parents, one from Petunia, and others from relatives or family friends. _

_In my lap sat a new book, "Pride and Prejudice" from my parents, with a note saying, _You'll grow into this book someday. _A gleaming silver bracelet from my friend Elle was clasped around my wrist. I was eagerly tearing off the wrapping of a gift from my grandmother, which turned out to be a beautiful mancala board complete with shiny playing stones, when my mother stood up, camera in hand, and trilled "Picture! Petunia, go stand by her!" _

_My sister walked over and enveloped me in an enormous bear hug, obscuring most of my face and hair. I squealed delightedly, beaming from ear to ear, and my mother quickly snapped the photo. She and my father were chuckling. Petunia then seized her gift from the pile and handed it to me. "Here, Lils," she said. "Open it!" I had barely touched it when suddenly a large barn owl flew through the open window. _

_My mother jumped out of her seat, running for the broom, my father began to choke on his coffee, and Petunia screamed, covering her head with her hands. I simply sat there, gazing wide-eyed at the large bird which was circling above us. I was the only one who had noticed what it was carrying in its talons. It was a roll of parchment with a fiery red seal. _

_The bird swooped once more over the chaos that had descended upon the kitchen and with a clatter it dropped the letter onto my plate. Then, just as my mother grasped the broom handle and came running back, it took off out the open window and into the twilit sky. _

_Petunia stopped her shrieks and three pairs of eyes turned toward me, then down at the letter on my plate. I gulped and picked it up, handling it gently as if at any moment it would explode. Then I carefully broke the seal. The parchment unfurled and I began to read. I had gotten no more than a paragraph in before I dropped the letter, where it hit softly against my dish. _

_I looked up with a panicked gaze at Petunia. She walked over to me and picked up the paper, perusing it. Less than two seconds later, her scream nearly frightened us all out of our wits. _

"_Baby! What is it?" my mother asked, terrified. Petunia didn't answer. She was staring at me, petrified, and backing away. The letter was still clutched in her hands. My eyes were filling slowly with tears as her gaze turned from horror to disgust and then contorted into deepest loathing. _

"_Mom...Dad..." she whispered, looking up at them at last. "She's a–a __**witch**__." _

_There was absolute silence. My mother was gazing at Petunia, mouth open, while my father stared at me, white with shock. A tear was running down my cheek as I looked up at my sister._

"_Tuney…" I begged, wanting more than anything for her to grin, give me a hug and say that she was so happy for me. _

_But she turned away from me, as if the sight of my face was too repulsive to bear. Then in one abrupt motion, she yanked her unopened present from me and stormed out of the room. I heard the clang of the metal trash cans as Petunia hurled the gift into one of them. Then her footsteps pounded on the stairs and the slam of her door crashed into our silence. _

"_Lily..." my mother said softly, coming around the table to put her arms around me, but I jerked out of her grasp. Then I jumped up, knocking over my chair and dashing outside, slamming the sliding door behind me._

_I ran to the alley between the houses where our garbage cans were kept and yanked the lid off the nearest one. There, sitting on the bottom of the empty can and looking as lonely as I felt, was a small striped package with the corner torn off, revealing the black velvet of the box. Against the dim silver of the trash can, with darkness falling all around us, the bright colors of the wrapping paper only made me feel more miserable. _

_I reached down and grabbed the package, pulling it out and sitting with my back against the can. Tears streaming down my face, I gently tore off the wrapping and found myself staring at a velvety black box—a jewelry box. _

_Slowly I pried apart the hinges and peeked inside. On a silver chain hung a shiny white flower, cupped by green leaves, with a tiny gold dot in the center. A water lily. _

_My hand closed around the necklace as two warm tears rolled off my cheeks into the dirt below. It must have cost Petunia at least two month's allowance. I curled up between the trash cans, huddled against the summer winds which were now growing cold, bringing with them the scent of coming rain. And that was how I sat for hours, crying like a baby, until my sobs turned to hiccups and the gentle patter of raindrops began to fall. _

"_Honey." _

_I opened my eyes stiffly and saw my dad's face come into focus. My entire body was soaked. I had fallen asleep, curled like a cat._

_My father said nothing else. He simply bent down and put his arms around me. I buried my face in his neck and he lifted me up, carrying me inside. My mother did not speak either as we walked in, just tenderly kissed my forehead as we passed her. Dad carried me up the stairs and into my bedroom, laying me down on my bed and wrapping the sheets around me. I was overcome with exhaustion, but there was something I had to tell him. _

"_Daddy, I don't want to be a witch." My soft voice filled the room, and it sounded so miserable and heartbroken that I began to cry again. Perhaps I had been hoping that if I told him I didn't want magic, my father could take it away. _

"_I know, sweetness," he said quietly. And then he kissed my forehead and left the dark room, pulling the door closed gently behind him._


	2. Day of Meetings, Part 1

A/N: Well, I kinda forgot to introduce the story and all that jazz in the last chapter. So here we are now! I give you a belated welcome to Love, Hate, and the Insane Connection Between Them. canned applause Thank you, thank you! I won't waste any more of your valuable time now. Go on and read. I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with the supreme J.K. Rowling.

Two hours later, I was being jostled along in a noisy train station, searching the signs desperately for a mention of Platform 9 3/4. People were running around on all sides of me, everyone seeming to be in the utmost rush to get to their stations. Had my hand not been clasped so hard by my mother's, I was sure that I would have been swept away into the crowd.

I felt incredibly small next to all these busy, hurrying people, and my ears went scarlet every time someone gave me a peculiar glance—Athena, my owl, was attracting a lot of attention.

"I don't get it, Rina," my father was mumbling helplessly. "There just doesn't seem to be a Platform 9 3/4 _anywhere_."

"Well then, we'll just have to ask someone for help," my mother, Amorina, said firmly. Still clutching my hand tightly, she steered us over to a conductor who was passing out tickets. "Excuse me, sir," she said. The man glanced over at us. "We can't seem to find our station. If you could just point us in the right direction?"

"Where d'ya want?" the man asked gruffly.

"We're looking for Platform 9 3/4," she said confidently. There was a short silence, in which I felt myself go red again at the ridiculousness of these words. The man glared at her for a moment, but then another conductor helping a frazzled looking old woman called out to him. He walked away, calling behind him, "Think yer funny, eh? Stop wastin' my time."

"Oh, dear," my mother said fretfully, checking her watch. It was ten minutes to eleven. "It's almost time for the train to leave. What are we–"

"Excuse me," a soft voice said from our right. "I couldn't help but overhear. You're looking for Platform 9 3/4?"

We all turned at the same time. Behind us stood a smiling woman, about the same age as my mother. She had golden-brown hair and hazel eyes, with a slim, friendly face and charming smile. At her side stood a boy about my age who was decidedly good-looking.

He was obviously her son. His face was like a miniature model of hers, with high cheekbones, an angled nose and an identical charming smile. In fact the only noticeable difference between them was his extremely messy black locks. A pair of wire-rimmed glasses framed his face, and her hazel eyes sparkled behind them.

"Amorina Evans," my mother said, smiling and offering her hand to the lady, who took it, also smiling. "This is my husband, Joseph Evans," my father shook hands with her as well, "and our daughter, Lily." The woman beamed down at me.

"It's a pleasure," she said. "My name is Felicity Potter. This is James." She smiled down at her son, who grinned back, and in that moment he looked like a mirror of his mother's smile, reflecting her face back up to her. "My husband, George, couldn't make it today. He's busy," here she lowered her voice slightly, "working at the ministry and all."

My parents exchanged a blank look. Comprehension lit up Mrs. Potter's face. "Oh, but that's right. Of course. You see," at this point she began guiding my parents in the direction of a far-off station, "in the wizarding community, there's a whole system of..."

James and I followed a few steps behind them. He was watching me, I realized, and right as I was beginning to feel uncomfortable he spoke.

"So I guess you're a muggle-born then, huh?" I was entirely bewildered.

"A–a what, sorry?"

"Muggle-born. It means you're parents aren't wizards."

"Oh well, I guess I am then," I replied, still a little baffled. A sudden worry gripped me. "Is that all right? I mean, is it bad to be muggle-born? Will I be the only one?" James flashed that irresistible grin at me reassuringly.

"Don't worry; there will be plenty of others there."

I relaxed. "Are you a muggle-born?" I asked. He started, and then looked at me like I had insulted him.

"What?" I asked, slightly annoyed. "You just said it wasn't a bad thing."

"Well I know but it's just–no, I'm not." I glared at him suspiciously. As much as he had said about it being fine to be muggle-born, he had seemed a little too defensive at the suggestion of him being one.

"Lily! James!" Mrs. Potter called. She was standing at the barrier between Platforms 9 and 10. "Hurry up, guys, we don't have much time!"

I set out towards her at a run, my trunk clattering along behind me. Seconds later James and I were at her side, wheezing slightly, staring blankly at the solid wall in front of us. Or at least, I was. James was coolly surveying the crowds, edging towards the wall. Mrs. Potter was talking nonchalantly with him, glancing around as she too moved towards the barrier. Just as I was about to call out a warning, sure they were going to bonk into the bricks, Mrs. Potter turned to me. She winked, and suddenly both she and her son were gone.

I gasped. My parents looked stunned as well. I turned to them in awe, and tried to swallow the growing nervousness that was engulfing me. This was all a huge mistake. I couldn't do magic! Sure, I had made little things happen when I wanted them to, but _walking through walls_? What if I couldn't get through the barrier? What if this was all some terrible mistake? Would I get to school only to be told that I was not actually a witch and had to leave?

"Hun," my father said softly, "you'd better go too." I looked up at the clock. In five minutes the train would leave. Breathing deeply, I turned to my parents and gave them a shaky smile. My father hugged me tightly and planted a kiss on my cheek. Bending down, my mother did the same. Her tears made me feel like crying as well.

"Now remember, dear, if there's anything you need—anything at all—just write to us and we'll send it along with Athena."

"Bye Mum. Bye Dad," I called, trying to sound more confident than I felt. Then, feeling terrified, I began to walk quickly, straight at the barrier. As I sprinted towards it, the wall was beginning to look more and more dauntingly solid. When I was inches from it, I squeezed my eyes closed, preparing for the impact—

But no impact came.

Tentatively, I opened one eye. Instantly both eyes flew open wider than they had ever gone. Directly in front of me was an enormous scarlet engine. All around a horde of children, some my age, some older, were bustling about. Several were clutching cats tightly in their arms, and I even saw a few toads upon their owner's shoulders. However, almost every student seemed to be pushing a cage with an owl atop it. Laughter and shouts mingled in the warm summer breeze, on top of the anxious murmurings of parents shoving last minute supplies into their children's trunks or giving warnings about behavior.

Someone was chuckling beside me. I looked around. It was James.

"What are you laughing at?" I asked crossly, though not as crossly as I might have, still in amazement of this place.

"Your face as you came out of the barrier," he snickered, a little too cruelly in my opinion. "You looked like you were expecting someone to attack you."

"Well, I'm sorry that I was a bit nervous!" I shot back. "I'm sure when people disappear into walls without telling you they were going to and then expect you to do the same, _you_ aren't scared at all!"

"No, not really," James said casually, examining his nails in an indifferent manner.

"Idiot," I spat, rolling my eyes and turning away from him into the mass of people.

Had I turned around at that moment, I might have caught glimpse of his slightly hurt face gazing at the back of my head as if seeing an angel for the first time, a sight which probably would have made my dealings with James Potter considerably easier over our school time together. But I didn't, and I was in for one hell of seven years.

It's me again. How do you like it so far? You can tell me…by leaving a nice long review! Any plot suggestions are welcome, although I may not take them. By the way, flames are fine with me, as long as you give me some relevant advice instead of just swearing at me. (Saying this is the worst story you have ever read is _not_ relevant advice!) So pretty please, review and I will love you forever!

The Phoenix Queen


	3. Day of Meetings, Part 2

**A/N: Some of you might have noticed that the content of these chapters is slightly different than it was before. People were mentioning that in the early chappies the characters were acting a bit too old for their age, and I have to say I agree. So I revised all the ones before fifth year. Tell me if you like it better this way. **

As I walked down the aisle, I grew scared. Every compartment was full of laughing friends and I couldn't possibly enter any of those. Once in a while I would think I'd caught a friendly eye, but then the people would scoot over and there would be no room anymore for me.

I felt like crying. To my horror, a tear slid down my cheek. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was alone and friendless, now I was a crybaby too.

I hurriedly rubbed my cheek to get rid of the tear. Then I pressed on, still looking into every compartment—if I could just find one that was empty, or one that only had a couple people in it.

Near the end of the train there was a compartment that seemed empty except for a rather tall dark-haired girl sitting with her back to me. Hope was bubbling in my chest—maybe she was nice, maybe she would let me sit by her….

I tentatively approached the door, ready to run away at any second. The girl was reading a book. I loved to read: we had something in common! The hope swelled even larger, like one of the huge bubbles Petunia and I used to blow, sitting on our sidewalk on lazy summer days.

Thinking of Petunia made me feel like I was going to cry again. I shook my head to banish the memory. The new girl looked nice enough from the back, but I was not going to let her think I was a little kid.

Taking a deep, steadying breath and squaring my shoulders, I rolled open the compartment door and was about to speak.

But then the girl turned around. I felt my eyes go wide with horror and fear and it was all I could do not to gasp. She had the proudest, haughtiest face I had ever seen, but that was not what scared me. It was her dark, heavy-lidded eyes, contemptuous and terrifying, with a look that said she would have no trouble eating me alive right then and there.

Any greetings I had thought of were lost in my throat and I couldn't breath, couldn't move, couldn't speak. I was shrinking rapidly, turning into a bug beneath her cold, menacing black stare.

She said nothing, merely gazed at me in silent scorn. I wished I could move so that I could run out of the compartment, but my legs had turned to jelly. Still she glared. Then she spoke suddenly, getting to her feet, and I cowered even more.

"What do you want, you filthy child?"

Her voice was hoarse and raspy, like a wasp's nest. I couldn't say anything—my mouth was glued shut. She began to advance upon me. Terror seemed to electrocute me suddenly and I bolted from the room, dragging my trunk in frenzy behind me.

"Here, you can come in here!" a soft voice whispered, so quietly that I almost didn't hear. Two large blue eyes were peeking out a compartment a little farther down, and I ran towards them. Casting a last horrified look behind me, I saw that the dark-eyed girl was leaning casually against the door, glaring at me as I continued down the passageway. Her white, spindly fingers clutched a thick wand. Instantly I feared that wand.

I rushed into the compartment being held open for me and shut the door quickly, turning around to face the girl who had saved me. At the time I merely registered that she was very pretty. Over the years her face has become so familiar to me that I hardly notice the individual features anymore—I merely see the face of my friend. But in my mind there still lingers the image of when I first saw her, and now I am able to verbalize the observations which, at eleven years old, I was not quite eloquent enough to put into words.

It was as if God had woken up one morning and decided to make a flawless human being. Long, curly golden locks were spilling down the back of a smooth, willowy frame. Her movements were lithe and elegant, and there was an almost feline grace in her motions. Large indigo eyes framed by dark, wavy lashes were staring intently at me and her skin was like rose-stained ivory.

"Hi, my name's Lily Evans," I said, grinning at her. Her anxious look turned into a smile. "Can I sit with you?"

"Sure," the girl said. As I set down my trunk, she said, "I'm Isabel Peters." There was a slight pause as I sat down across from her, but then she spoke abruptly.

"I know I seem really stupid, but do you know anything about this school, this…Hogwarts? It's just," she said hurriedly before I could respond, "no one in my family has magic, so this is kind of a new experience for me."

"I don't know. I'm muggle-born too." She gave me a questioning look. "It means I'm the only magic one in my family," I said, feeling proud to know this. "Honestly, I don't have any idea what we're in for." Isabel visibly relaxed.

"Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't have wizard and witch parents. I mean, imagine being the only person in the entire school who didn't know magic yet! It was probably easier for everyone else to accept the fact that they're wizards, or witches. I know when I first got the letter, everyone I told thought it was a trick. Did the owl frighten the living daylights out of your family, too?"

She said this all very fast and then blushed scarlet. "I'm sorry, I'll shut up," she muttered, looking humiliated. She crossed her arms over her chest, as if to hide her appearance. I noticed that her clothes were rather shabby. I liked her a lot—it was hard not to—and didn't want her to feel embarrassed.

"Do you anybody here?" I asked her. Izzy looked up, almost as if she couldn't believe I was still talking to her.

"No, I'm a first year and I haven't met anyone yet," she said, the redness receding from her cheeks. "What about you?"

"Not a soul. Well, unless you count the boy that helped me through the barrier. His name was…Josh, or…Jake, or something. I know it started with a J."

"Well, that's one more person than I'll know," Izzy said, looking nervous again. I realized that in my thoughts she was already Izzy, that without knowing it I already thought of her as a friend.

"At least now you know me," I told her bracingly. "That's at least one person out of, probably…about 500." Izzy laughed.

"Better than no one, I guess."

"A _lot _better than no one," I said pompously.

"Well…I'm not so sure about _that_," she teased me tentatively.

"Hey!" I complained, grinning, and she seemed relieved that I hadn't taken offense. Both of us were now giggling. I had opened my mouth to ask her whether she knew the dark haired girl who had scared me when two girls, looking about my age, fell haphazardly through. The taller of them stood up quickly and shut the door. Then both turned back to me and Izzy.

"Sorry 'bout that," the shorter one said, dusting off her robes. She was quite small, at least four inches shorter than me, with curly tawny hair to her shoulders. Bright gray eyes peered out from beneath dark, curved, rather bushy eyebrows and she had full lips set over a very stubborn chin. Her voice sounded a little Scottish.

"That's all right," I said, still slightly bemused.

"I'm Ari Sol," the taller girl introduced. "We're first years." As with Izzy, I was not able to appreciate her full appearance until several years later, and so once again I must give a revised version of her looks from our later years.

She was dark-skinned, with beautiful black eyes that could easily have inspired thousands of love ballads. They were like the night itself, seemingly endless but warm and sparkling. Her ebony hair was pulled back into tight cornrows that swung with her every movement, the beads braided into the ends hitting softly against the base of her neck. She looked firm and commanding, but at the same time I could see that she would be the one whose shoulder you would most want to cry upon. In fact, there was an altogether motherly air about her.

"Lily Evans," I said, craning my neck to look her in the eye—she was _extremely _tall. "We're first years too."

"And I'm Jen. Jenica Wuthers. Jen." This was the shorter one. I giggled.

"Make up your mind!"

"My parents decided to give me the most bizarre name they could. I mean honestly. Jenica?? Why not just do Jessica or Jennifer, and not try to combine them? But they just couldn't make anything simple for me. Luckily it at least has an easy nickname. So, I'm Jen."

"I'm Isabel Peters," Izzy said shyly. Ari smiled at her, and Izzy looked less anxious.

"Anyway," Jen continued, "so we were kinda hoping we could hide here for a while."

"Hide?" I asked with a laugh. "From what?"

"From the two biggest gits Hogwarts will ever see." Izzy and I exchanged a slightly lost look. Ari rolled her eyes and shoved Jen down on the seat next to Izzy's. Then she sat down on my left.

"It's these two guys that Jen somehow knows. Don't ask her how, it's a long story and once you get her started there's no stopping her. I can't make head or tail of it, but the gist is that these guys are real prats."

"Ah," I said, feeling as if I couldn't really understand. Both of these girls, though the same age as me, seemed quite older than they were. "Any particular reason why you're hiding from them?"

"Because they're prats," Jen said firmly.

"Because Jen just set James' hair on fire," Ari corrected. I gaped at her. 

"You can already do magic?" Izzy asked, sounding envious. Jen shrugged. I could tell she was trying to appear indifferent but was extremely proud of herself.

"I only know a couple spells. I learned that one about a year ago, when my brother tried it on me. Burned at least three inches off before Mum grabbed her wand and set it straight. Boy," she said grinning, "Win sure felt sorry after Mum had finished with him. But I wanted my own revenge, so the next day I stole his wand and started practicing. Then I got him back. Mind you, Mum went absolutely bonkers on me: _you're not old enough to even be touching a wand, think what could have happened, you could've taken his eyes out…_but it was definitely worth it." Izzy and I were both laughing by the end of this anecdote.

"Anyway, she used the spell on James so we need to hide out for a while." As Ari said this, I suddenly remembered—

"James?" I asked her.

"Yup. James Potter and Sirius Black. If you're blessed, you'll never have to meet them. But they have an unfortunate habit of getting around everywhere."

"James! James Potter!" I said triumphantly to Izzy, who looked at me, startled. "That was the name of the boy who helped me through the barrier."

"Whoa, whoa, slow down," said Jen, straightening up and looking at me incredulously. "James Potter _helped _you? I have never before heard those words together in a sentence. Are you sure we're talking about the same James Potter?"

"How many James Potters can there be?" Ari asked, rolling her eyes. "But that is weird. Are you sure his name was James Potter?"

"Yes!" I said indignantly. "And he was perfectly nice to me! Well, I mean…" I had suddenly remembered our last words to each other. Jen nodded, satisfied.

"Knew James wouldn't be nice to someone to save his soul. What did he—"

But at that precise moment, the door swung open for the second time that day, and James Potter was now standing in our doorway.

**A/N: I actually like the way I wrote Izzy a lot better now. She's sweeter, and more the way I pictured her. Jen and Ari are basically the same as ever cuz I just think that's how they'd be. **


	4. Enter the Prats

**A/N: Hola, my lovely readers and even lovelier reviewers! Just kidding. But I do love it when you review. I wanted to answer a question brought up by a reader, my dear cousin Claritasita or whatever you said your name was. **

**You asked why all the girls were so beautiful? I think, although I'm probably not this noble-minded, that I was trying to show the wide spectrum of beauty. Each of the girls is beautiful, but each in their own way. There's Izzy, the pristine blue-eyed blonde; Ari, the dark-skinned beauty with those incredible eyes; Jen, with her nothing-out-of-the-ordinary beauty, accentuated by her stubborn and extroverted nature; and Lily, the unique prima donna, with her red hair and green eyes. The girls are short, tall, dark skinned, light skinned, with blonde, brown, black and red hair. Their eyes are blue, black, green and gray. Maybe I was trying to make them all beautiful in their own unique way? Maybe. Since I didn't really think about it—I just **_**knew**_** their appearances—I guess we'll never know. By the way, other than Izzy, the girls are by no means supposed to be perfect. There's an incident about that later. **

**But anyways, sorry to take up the time that could be spent reviewing! Go on and read.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing affiliated with the supreme J.K. Rowling.**

Standing with James was another boy about our age. Behind them stood two more boys. One was shorter and squat with hair the color of dung while the other was average height, his longish sandy hair looking as though he hadn't brushed it in a while. My eyes moved to the boy next to James and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Even at the age of eleven, this was a person who I immediately was able to recognize as the drop-dead gorgeous creature he is. Long dark hair fell around his face and gracefully into his eyes, which were a mysterious gray-blue. He was pale, but handsomely so, with smooth features and a permanent air of laughter about him. His beautiful eyes were full of mischief and the smile he wore was positively devilish. James, who I had thought was pretty cute only half an hour before, now resembled something like a troll next to this boy.

"Ah, look who it is," the good-looking boy said casually. "Little Jenny. How are you, sugarplum?" I snickered, watching Jen's expression. Even though I had known her for less than five minutes, I could already tell that Jen was not the kind of person you called 'sugarplum' and expected to live through the experience.

"Shut it, Black, or I'll rearrange that face of yours," Jen snapped. "I doubt you would look so cocky if your face was covered in boils."

"Oh come on, Jennypoo, you know as well as I do that nothing in the world could keep me from being the best-looking guy at Hogwarts." Ari and I exchanged a glance full of disgust. We looked around, startled, as the blonde boy standing behind Black gave a cough that sounded suspiciously like "Revolting". When I caught his gaze, he rolled his eyes, and I giggled.

"Ah, and who is this charming young lady?" Black asked, my laugh having drawn his attention. He raised an eyebrow and I squirmed under his gaze. Feeling distinctly uncomfortable, I stood firmly and extended my hand.

"Lily Evans," I said coolly. He grasped my hand, as if to shake it, but to my horror he lifted it to his lips. Stepping forward, I ground my heel roughly into his toe. Black winced and dropped my hand before his mouth came into contact with it, but his grin was still on and I could see that he had been taunting me.

"I'm Sirius Black," he said comfortably. "This is—"

"Please, Sirius, let us make our own introductions," the boy who had coughed said amusedly. "I really don't want to jeopardize my first impression by putting it in your hands." Sirius grinned, which annoyingly made my heart flutter again. He really wasn't all _that_ good-looking.

The other boy stepped forward. Now in the front of the group, I could get a better look at him. He was rather thin and pale, but his face was kind and his blue eyes intelligent.

Once again, I must beg to give an account of his looks from the wisdom of advanced age. There was something about him that made you feel safe and at ease. He was handsome in a subtle way, quite different from the showy, prominent good looks of Black. Actually, the fact that he was handsome almost seemed to sneak up on you; when you realized it, it surprised you.

"I'm Remus Lupin," he said, smiling. His voice was calm and quiet. He stuck out his hand and I grasped it, smiling back at him. Ari stood up and came over to us, shaking his hand as well.

"Ari Sol," she grinned at him. Slightly grudgingly, Jen stood up as well. As she walked up to us, Remus' gaze flicked from Ari's face to hers. It may have been my imagination, but I thought his eyes were on Ari for just a moment longer than normal.

"I'm Jen Wuthers," she told him. He raised an eyebrow, grinning, as they shook hands as well.

"Not Jenny? Or sugarplum?" If Black or Potter had said this it would have annoyed me. But Remus saying it sounded perfectly natural, and Jen did not even glare at him, merely wincing.

"Not Jenny. That's too cutesy for me. And _never_ sugarplum." He laughed. Behind me, I saw Izzy stand up tentatively. She came forward shyly, her head somewhat ducked.

"I'm Isabel Peters," she said. Her voice was softer than it had been. As soon as she came into view, James' mouth dropped open and Sirius whistled, eyes bugged out. Jen smacked him. Izzy was blushing as she shook hands with Remus. He alone did not make an obvious reaction to her beauty, although I did see his eyes widen ever so slightly. Then Sirius made some inane comment and Jen began to yell at him, helped by Ari.

I was not listening, but instead looking carefully at Izzy. It was definitely not my imagination this time. She was staring at Remus with a peculiar look on her face. It was admiring, hopeful and shy all at the same time. Most of all, though, she was looking at him as though she had never seen a boy before in her life.

I glanced at Remus, to see if he had noticed. To both my relief and disappointment, he was watching Jen yell at Black. Turning my attention to them at last, I heard several voices going at once.

"—so many girls mooning over you, I'm surprised you can even walk without stepping on one of them—" (that was Jen)

"Just because you've never had a boyfriend—" (Sirius, obviously)

"Just because all the guys I've ever met are like _you_—"

"Would you two quit fighting like a married couple and date already?" James asked impatiently. Jen looked truly revolted, and she rounded on him. Sensing that this fight would not be over soon, I shoved my way between them.

"ALL RIGHT!" I bellowed. The compartment went quiet and everyone turned to stare at me. "Now why don't you four get out of here?" I shot an apologetic look at Remus, who shrugged. Jen nodded fervently, glaring at Sirius with extreme loathing. I expected him to blow her a kiss or flash one of his devilish grins at her, but he merely gave an unfazed jerk of the head while exiting the compartment, followed by James, Remus, and the other boy whose name, I suddenly realized, I still didn't know.

Jen was the first to sit, her hair slightly mussed and eyes glittering dangerously.

"The nerve of that boy!" she snarled, sounding like a wildcat. "Why is it that boys always think you're flirting with them when you're yelling your head off?!"

Ari was shaking her head sympathetically. "No idea."

"They really are prats," I agreed.

"Not Remus," Izzy interjected. Her voice was still slightly quieter than before, and while it was obvious that she was trying to appear casual there was a defensive note in her voice.

"Yeah, he seemed nice," Ari agreed, shrugging. I was thankful that she hadn't seemed to pick up on Izzy's tone. Still remembering the way Remus had looked at Ari, I was feeling a slight sense of foreboding.

"Astoundingly nice, if he really is friends with those two gits," Jen added.

There was a sudden knock on the door, and all four of us jumped.

"Not them again!" Jen snapped. By the tone of her voice, I prayed fervently that it was _not_ them, because I doubted that our new school would be happy if she murdered someone before term had even started.

Ari jumped to her feet, obviously intending to reach the door before Jen did and shoo them away. When she slid open the door, however, a plump, motherly woman pushing a trolley full of sweets stood in the corridor.

"Anything from the trolley, dears?" she asked. As if it had heard this, my stomach chose that moment to growl loudly. I stood and reached into my pocket for money. After Jen and Ari moved out of the way, arms filled with assorted items of brightly colored snacks and candy, I found myself staring at the most bizarre labels I had ever read.

There were Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Frogs, Licorice Wands, Fizzing Whizbees, Jelly Slugs…I was so taken in by reading the names that I nearly forgot there were candies inside. At a tiny cough from the witch pushing the cart, I looked up.

"Need some help deciding?" she asked kindly.

"Y-yes," I stammered. "It's just, I've never—"

"Best to take a little of each," she said decisively. "That way you'll be sure to find something you like." Taking her advice, I grabbed several different kinds of candies.

"That'll be nine sickles and three knuts." Still trying to get used to all this strangeness, I handed her nine silver coins and three small bronze ones. Then, my arms laden with sweets, I thanked her and reentered the compartment, sliding the door closed behind me.

"You got Agrippa!" Jen howled. I spun around. She was staring at a playing card in Ari's hand, with what looked like half a brown frog's leg dangling from her mouth. Trying not to make a face—the leg hanging there was rather disturbing—I sat down beside Izzy.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, beginning to arrange my pile of sweets.

"There are collecting cards in Chocolate Frogs, of famous witches and wizards," Jen explained, still eyeing the picture in Ari's hand longingly. "I've got a huge collection of them—I'm only missing _three_—and Agrippa is one of the ones I need. Please Ari, I'll give you _anything_."

"How about…your broomstick?"

"'Anything' means 'anything of equal or lesser value to that card, and preferably lesser'." Laughing, I turned away from their discussion which had now turned to the auctioning off of several of Jen's candies. Izzy was gazing out the window, a faraway look on her face.

"Thinking about anyone in particular?" I asked slyly, voice lowered. She jumped and turned to me, an entirely unconvincing look of innocence on her face.

"What are you talking about?" she asked calmly. I rolled my eyes, but let the subject drop.

"Want one?" I asked, gesturing to the now sorted pile of candy occupying the seat between us.

A faint blush rose on Izzy's cheeks. "No, thanks," she said, sounding slightly embarrassed. I heard her stomach give a soft rumble and grinned.

"Don't be ridiculous. Help yourself."

"But I—I—" she was now talking in barely a whisper, her blush deepening. "I wouldn't be able to pay you back."

"I didn't ask you to, did I?" I told her, smiling. "Come on. Neither of us has ever eaten this stuff before, so let's try it together. That way if there's a curse on this food, I won't be the only one walking around with—with—an extra arm, or something." Izzy giggled, then, after a moment's hesitation, nodded.

"Let's try this stuff, it looks the least dangerous," I said, pointing to a package of Cauldron Cakes. There was a yell of delight, and when Izzy and I turned around, Jen was holding the trading card as if it were her firstborn child. Ari's pile had grown considerably and I wondered just how much Jen had sold to get it.

"You got a Licorice Wand?" Ari asked me excitedly. "I thought they were all out! Can I trade you something for it?" I glanced down at the pile next to me, trying to decide what would be a good deal. Jen came over and sat beside me, after carefully tucking the card into her suitcase in the luggage rack above.

"I'll help you trade," she said in a stage-whisper. "Ari's a cheapskate when it comes to business deals."

"Hey!" Ari cried, standing akimbo. (A/n: Who knows what that means? I do!) I laughed.

"You've got to start out high. Ask for four chocolate frogs and a pumpkin pasty. She'll never agree, and we can go from there."

"If you get Jen on your side, Izzy has to help me!" Ari said, with a fake pout. Izzy grinned and settled herself on the seat opposite us.

"Traitor!" I cried dramatically. "You can never come back now!" She giggled and turned to help Ari trade with Jen and me.

And so for the next half an hour, we made deals, traded candies, argued over prices and talked about which items were the most valuable. By the time we changed into our school robes before continuing to trade, darkness had fallen outside, the lamps were lit and my heart was pounding like a drum as we got closer and closer to Hogwarts.

**A/N: Sorry about the lame ending, but it can't be dramatic every time! Now pretty please, review! I really want to know if people like my story.**

**The Phoenix Queen**


	5. Friendly Disagreements

**A/N: Whooowee! This is a long chappie—almost 3000 words! Crazy, huh? But I love our wonderful Lily in this chapter because she…well, you'll just have to find out!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I don't wish I did. However, I do wish that I owned Lily, because she's awesome, and Sirius, because he's hot.**

"We'll trade you…let's see…three chocolate frogs for a cauldron cake and five Bertie Bott's Beans."

"What flavors?"

"Three butter toffee, one strawberry-rhubarb jam, and one buttered asparagus."

"Buttered asparagus?!"

"It tastes better than it sounds!"

"That shouldn't be hard, it sounds disgusting!"

"Jen, what was the name of that boy who entered with James, Remus and Sirius?"

The conversation stopped mid-stream as the three of them turned to stare at me. Then Izzy began to laugh.

"Buttered asparagus, random nameless boy who walks around with James and Sirius," Jen said dryly. "Yes, I can definitely see your train of thought here."

"It's only; I just realized that we never introduced ourselves to him."

"I think his name's Peter or something. He probably only hangs around with them because he wants in on the spotlight," Jen answered, shrugging.

"But we haven't even gotten to school yet!" Izzy cried. "How come people are already flocking around them?"

"#1: They're hot," Ari told her, ticking off the reasons on her fingers. "#2: They have charm. And #3: They're hot. All the natural makings for popularity." I growled in my throat. Why was it that the stupidest things in the world were the ones that made someone popular?

"I know," Jen said irritably, fidgeting with her coat zipper. "People group around other people for the dumbest reasons. Honestly, this is such a lesson in not judging a book by its cover. I mean, take Sirius! He's bloody gorgeous, but he's probably the biggest prat I've ever met!"

"How _did_ you meet him?" I asked her. I had been wondering this ever since he had appeared in our doorway.

"Our families are friends, which means that ever since I was little we've seen each other about once every month." She looked very grumpy about this.

"That stinks," Ari said, stretching and yawning.

"You know, it really does though!" Jen replied earnestly. "I mean, seeing him once a month would be bad enough, but his family just makes my day! They can really creep me out sometimes. You can tell Sirius just _loathes_ them."

"Don't you think that's a bit of an exaggeration?" Izzy asked, eyes widened. "I mean maybe he doesn't get along with them too well, but he must love them deep down."

"I'm not so sure he does," Jen replied, and her tone was not angry anymore. Instead, there was a startling note of sadness in her voice. "Honestly, you should see the way he acts around them. He just sulks all the time, and they don't try to cheer him up or anything. It's like they don't even know he's there. As far as I can see, there is pretty much no love in that relationship."

This surprised me. Ever since the letter had come, I had definitely had my share of family problems. Petunia had taken my acceptance to Hogwarts as a cue to ignore me completely, and so I knew what it felt like not to fit in with one relative. But a whole _family_?

I just didn't get that. Families were supposed to be about love, about a place to land when you fell, about the one group of people you could always count on no matter what. What would it be like not to have that comfort, to know that if something happened you couldn't count on your family?

"That's so sad," I murmured after a little while. "You would never be able to tell, the way he acts."

Jen snorted. "Tell me about it. That boy is a clam when it comes to feelings. He practically screams if you ask him, 'How are you?' I've tried having conversations with him at our little _family gatherings_," she pronounced these words with venom, "but all he does is grunt and try to put tarantulas down your shirt! The only things that actually get him talking are Quidditch and pranks."

"So why didn't you try talking with him about those things?" Ari asked.

"I did, but whenever we talk pranks one of us ends up with a great idea and decides to try it out. Believe me, great-aunt Aldona wasn't too pleased when the pudding blew up in her face." Ari, Izzy and I laughed.

"So what about Quidditch, then?" Ari continued.

"We support rival teams, and—"

"Ah, say no more!" Ari interrupted wisely. "I know what happens when someone insults the Holyhead Harpies in front of you." Izzy and I were exchanging blank looks, trying desperately to keep up with the conversation.

"Er, what's Kwiddich?" I finally asked.

"Only the best sport in the world!" Jen crowed, eyes wide with shock. "Don't tell me you've _never heard of it?!" _

"Well…no."

"Everyone plays Quidditch in the wizarding world. It's basically the only sport. It's…well…it's kind of hard to explain the rules. You play on broomsticks, in the air—"

"So witches really do ride brooms?" Izzy blurted out. Then she blushed, obviously aware that she sounded foolish.

"Yeah," Jen answered, "but not like they do in those old pixie tales or whatever."

"Fairy tales," I corrected.

"Right, those. See, we don't really ride brooms around for transportation that much. I mean, some people do, but we mostly just Floo or Apparate—those who can, anyway."

I was slowly becoming more and more sure that I would never catch on to any of this. Floo? Apparate? Quidditch? What did it all _mean_?

"Um, Floo?" I asked, feeling remarkably stupid.

"Jen, if your goal was to make this as confusing for them as humanly possible, I think you won," Ari cut in, rolling her eyes. "How about I take over the explanations for a while?" And then, without waiting for an answer, she continued. "You see, there are lots of ways for wizards and witches to get around, but not all of them are as safe as others. The thing is, we don't want muggles to find out about us."

"Why?" Izzy and I asked at the same time.

"Because if muggles found out that there were people who could do magic, they'd want us to solve all their problems for them. We'd have to constantly be answering to anyone who had the smallest problem. For one thing, that would be tiring and totally pointless. And for another, we _can't_ solve everything, but everyone would be expecting us to. So when we weren't being bombarded with problems they wanted us to fix, we'd be hearing complaints about the problems we _couldn't_ fix."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Not fun. And so magic has to be kept secret from the Muggle world. That's a big responsibility, because it's kind of difficult to hide all of us. So travel methods like broomsticks aren't really safe—unless you somehow disguised yourself, anyone could see you. Things like Floo (travel between fireplaces) and Apparation (disappearing and reappearing somewhere else) are much better."

It was a lot to take in, and for a moment I merely sat there. Izzy was silent too for a moment, then asked,

"What would happen if a Muggle did find out somehow? You wouldn't," she looked nervous suddenly, "You wouldn't have to…_kill_ them or anything, right?"

"Merlin, no!" Ari exclaimed reassuringly. "We'd just change their memory so they wouldn't remember the incident."

"You can _do_ that?" Izzy asked, eyes huge.

"Well…not me personally. But higher trained witches and wizards can."

"Wow," she breathed, looking awed. I was amazed.

"You'll be able to, someday. We all will, once we've been at school a while." I started. In the talk of advanced magic and wizarding society, I had almost forgotten that _I _was a witch. A sudden excitement exploded inside me and spread throughout my body. Someday, I would be able to cast spells and brew potions and disappear! It was so real, and yet so dreamlike, that I pinched my leg sharply—just in case.

"I'm gonna go walk around a while," I told Ari and Izzy, who were now in deep discussion. Jen was gazing down at the card which she had taken out again, stroking it dreamily. Rolling my eyes, I left the compartment.

The corridors were mostly empty, although a few other people were walking up and down. Not knowing where I wanted to go, or where I _could_ go, I ended up staring blankly down the aisle until someone behind me coughed pointedly, shoving their way around me. Deciding to see if the trolley witch was anywhere near—Ari had been right, those licorice wands were _good_—I turned around and strolled the opposite direction.

After passing several compartments full of raucous laughter and one that issued a loud explosion just as I walked by, nearly frightening me to death, I saw the silhouettes of two figures through the door separating train cars. There was something familiar about those outlines.

About to turn and head back—there was obviously nothing very exciting on this end of the train, and I thought we might still have some Cauldron Cakes left—the voices of the two figures rose slightly and I could hear them.

"—show proper decorum, Snivelly."

"Yeah, in order to shake hands you're supposed to extend your _entire hand_, not just one finger."** (A/n: I wonder how many people got that.)**

Halfway turned around, I froze. There was no mistaking that voice. James Potter. And if my memory was any good, the first voice had definitely been Sirius Black.

Not really knowing why I was heading _towards_ them, I began to walk to the dividing door. Their voices were becoming clearer as I drew nearer, and now I could hear every word.

"Now, Snivelly, you can't possibly resent Sirius and me for trying to give you a manners lesson. It's for your own good, you know."

"Honestly. Some people are just so ungrateful."

There was a ferocious snarl, and I wondered what on earth Snivelly could be. A snake, or a wild boar of some kind?

Reaching the door, I opened it quietly and stopped dead. Snivelly was no dangerous animal. Sprawled on the ground half a corridor from me was a small boy, his face covered by a blanket of greasy dark hair. Above him stood James and Sirius, wands raised. None of the three noticed my entrance. As I watched, James laughed and said,

"Ready to shake my hand properly now, Snivelly?" The boy lifted his head with what looked like a great effort and spat, "Never."

"You've brought this upon yourself you know," James said with an enormous fake sigh. He then raised his wand higher and cried, "_Espuma!_" As if watching it from inside a daydream, I saw the boy on the ground begin to sputter and cough. Soon, bubbles began to froth at his lips and pour down his mouth, blocking his air, choking him—

"Stop!" I screamed, moving at last. James and Sirius jumped and turned to look at me, James' wand still raised, as I hurtled down the hall at them. My eyes were on the boy now writhing on the floor who was still gagging on the bubbles, trying desperately to wipe them off his mouth. Now panicked and only a few feet from James, who was staring dazedly at me, I realized in horror that not only did I have no wand, I couldn't do magic. And so I did the only thing that came into my mind.

I plunged the last yard towards James and tackled him, pinning his wand arm to the floor.

From the noise he made, which sounded like a mouse being stepped on, I could tell that my body crashing down on him had knocked out his air. But I had no time to think. The boy was still rolling on the floor and all I knew was that he couldn't breathe. I shoved away from James, grabbing his wand in the process. If my knee going into his stomach as I was clambering off him was not at all accidental—well, he deserved much worse.

I stood, James' wand held aloft in my hand. The boy was turning faintly green.

"Um, abra cadabra!" I shouted. I knew it was ridiculous, but I was frantic—his face was now going blue. James was still lying there as if unable to believe his eyes and Sirius looked dumbstruck.

"Help me!" I screamed at them, but both still seemed in shock. "Alakazam! Please, please, stop the spell!" Tears were now streaming down my face. The boy was turning steadily purple, and I could tell that he didn't have long. It would be all my fault if something happened to him.

Grasping the wand with both hands now and holding it so tightly that my arms shook, I closed my eyes and simply thought a desperate mantra in my head: _Please, stop the spell. Stop the spell. Please, stop the spell._ I didn't know what else to do. There was a wind rushing behind my eyes, and I was frightened, but kept frantically singing the prayer in my mind. _Stop the spell. Please, please, please. _Just as the gale behind my eyes became almost unbearable, there was a sudden flash and my eyes flew involuntarily open.

The boy lying on the ground below me had stopped moving altogether.

_Oh my god,_ I thought, my heart stopping. _I killed him_.

But then relief seeped throughout my body—I could see his chest rising and falling slowly. Kneeling beside him, I pressed my ear to his chest. There, comfortingly, blessedly there, was a steady drum-like rhythm, and I began to cry again out of relief. I lay there, my head still on his chest, sobbing like a baby. He was fine, he was fine. He wasn't dead. It was all okay.

A sudden movement behind me awakened me to the presence of the two boys who were still standing there. No, it was not all okay.

I stood up slowly, feeling oddly calm, but I knew that my temper was close to exploding underneath the surface.

There was a tense silence as both boys stared at me, looking scared. I glared back at them, trying to collect my thoughts before I committed my first murders. James opened his mouth and whispered, both awed and frightened,

"Lily—"

"WHAT THE _BLOODY HELL_ DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!" I screamed at them. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT COULD HAVE JUST HAPPENED RIGHT HERE?! YOU COULD HAVE _KILLED_ A FELLOW STUDENT!! YOU COULD HAVE _KILLED _HIM!"

"Lily, calm down!" James cried, his voice terrified. He and Sirius were both cowering beneath me. A sudden hot surge of anger flashed like a lightning bolt through me, and I couldn't see. All I felt was the blind, white-hot rage that was roiling through my blood. I could practically feel the electricity crackling in my hair. "We knew the countercurse! Nothing really serious could have happened!"

"DO YOU CALL THIS 'NOTHING REALLY SERIOUS'?!" I bellowed, gesturing furiously at the boy still lying on the floor. "HE WAS _CHOKING_! AND YOU JUST _STOOD _THERE!"

"Well, technically you landed on top of me, and so I wasn't exactly standing anymo—"

My arm reacted before my brain did, and I felt the hot sting as my hand smacked his cheek. He reeled, his cheek turning pink even as I watched.

There was a deathly silence. Even Sirius was lost for words, not making so much as an astonished gasp as his mouth fell open. James put his hand to his face where I had slapped him, as if not able to comprehend what had just happened. Then his eyes traveled slowly to my face and looked back into my own. There was such a stunned and hurt expression in his gaze that I almost felt sorry—almost. But almost is a very large gap.

"I hate you, James Potter," I whispered. My voice was barely audible, but I knew without a doubt that he had heard every word I said. I had said it so many times before—as a joke to friends, or as a retort to people I didn't like. But it had never sounded truer than when followed by James Potter's name.

He looked up at me almost passively, but there was a well of hurt and bewilderment in his eyes that would have made me want to comfort him, had he been anyone else in the world. Well, not if he had been Sirius.

"Dear me, what's going on here?" a soft, level voice spoke from just to the left of where I had first entered. I dropped Potter's wand. All three of us turned in shock to see a tall man striding slowly towards us. He had a silvery beard and hair to match, wearing a flowing set of star-strewn black robes. Bright blue eyes shone from behind a pair of golden glasses, and he wore a tall thin, cone-shaped hat. He looked just like I had expected wizards to look like.

For some reason, I felt like I should bow. He seemed so powerful and wise that I was almost a little afraid, but when I looked timidly up into his periwinkle eyes, they were kind.

Coming level with our strange party, he peered directly at me. In that instant his serene expression turned to shock and an intensity filled his eyes that made me feel like I was being x-rayed. I suddenly wondered whether wizards could read minds.

But as quickly as the peculiar look had crossed his face, it vanished again into the same calm, relaxed manner. I doubted whether Black and Potter had even noticed the change.

"I do hope no one is hurt," he said lightly. I blushed furiously, sure that he had seen the entire episode.

"Sir, I—" I began at the exact time that Potter said, "Professor, it's not—" We both stopped when the old man held up a hand. I wondered if my gulp was really as loud as it sounded. The man bent down to kneel beside the boy, inspecting him like I had done only minutes before. Then, pressing his fingers to his lips, he murmured softly,

"Miss Evans, what have you done here?"

I couldn't tell whether I was supposed to answer. It had seemed as if he were talking more to himself than me, so I kept silent. The old man straightened up, now much taller than all three of us again. Again he was gazing at me, and I felt scared. Was he going to punish me for hitting Potter?

There was a short silence, before the man said quietly,

"Miss Evans, I believe you should return to your compartment now." I nodded, grateful to have an excuse to leave. As I turned around and headed the way I had come, deliberately avoiding the eyes of both Potter and Black, which I knew were on me, it was all I could do not to break into a run. I liked the old man. I realized that, even beneath all my wonder of him. But there was something in the way he had spoken that made me uneasy, as if he knew more about me than even I did.

It was only when I was back in my compartment, being pressed with questions by Izzy, Ari and Jen, that I wondered with a start how the man had known my name.

**A/N: Yes, I do know that Dumbledore doesn't ride the train with them. But guess what? I'm writing this story, not you! And Dumbledore will ride the train if he wants to!**

**Reviews make the world go round! So unless you wish to go hurling out into space when the earth suddenly stops mid-spin, I suggest you review!**

**The Phoenix Queen**


	6. Romance, Quidditch & Mood Swings

A/N: Aloha, dearies! Nothing to say, really…except that I'm debating whether to occasionally add a passage in James' perspective, or Sirius'. Tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: No poseo nada que està afiliado con J.K. Rowling. (If that is grammatically incorrect, look at some of my other disclaimers before suing!)

October 12

5th Year

"Lils, wake up!"

"Ariiii…go away…."

"Lilykins, come on!" I opened one eye and glared blearily at her. She knew I hated it when she called me Lilykins.

"Just five more minutes…"

"In five minutes there won't be any food left; I just saw James and Sirius heading down to the banquet hall."

"And why is that an incentive for me to go down there? I'd rather not see them this early in the morning. Come to think of it, I'd rather not see them at all."

"Oh, for Merlin's—" Ari pulled out her wand, holding it above my head. "If you don't get out of bed this minute I'll charm your underwear to run down the hall singing 'Lily loves James'."

"You wouldn't!" I screeched, sitting upright.

"Try me," she said warningly, an evil grin on her face. Grumbling about stupid people who wouldn't let a girl sleep, I slowly got out of bed and pulled on my robes. Throwing a few quick brush strokes through my scarlet mane, I snapped a hair elastic onto my wrist and slipped on my beat-up old tennis shoes that I'd had for years.

"There, I'm ready," I grouched to Ari, who was standing at the door looking impatient.

"Finally," she said, rolling her eyes. "Izzy and Jen are already down there. If we hurry, we might get down half a meal before classes start."

Despite my sleep-deprived and grumpy state, I couldn't help but smile. This had been our routine for most days over the past five years. I would stay up late doing homework, studying for an exam or reading and the next morning Ari would practically have to sedate me to get me out of bed. No matter how long it took to wake me up, however, we somehow always made it to breakfast with plenty of time to eat. All those threats about not getting up or charming my underwear were just part of our routine dance. Both of us knew that the end result would always be the same—Ari forcing me to get up and me pretending to be grouchy to her for the walk down—yet for some reason we still acted the part every time.

As we entered the banquet hall, I spotted Izzy and Jen talking. Jen was laughing so loudly that certain first years at the table were edging slowly away. They had not yet gotten used to her; all the other people at the table had shared a school with Jen for at least one year now and so were perfectly accustomed to her.

Izzy was laughing sweetly, her golden curls loose around her shoulders today. As usual, a few boys from other tables were gazing at her, their jaws slack and drool dripping into their cereal. Although Izzy had a perfectly well-known reputation for never dating anyone, each boy at our school seemed to believe that they could change her mind.

Sitting two seats away from the girls were Sirius, James, and Peter. I spared barely a glance for them, not honestly wanting to catch a glimpse of them shoveling food down their throats so fast that it spilled onto the table around them. Seated on the bench between the two groups, like a bridge that neither side wished to cross, was Remus. He was laughing at something Jen had said.

Remus was the mediator between our two factions, trying to establish peace and start a conversation that both sides would participate in. However, it was rather a half-hearted effort because he knew as well as we did that the day our two groups would become friends was the day that Sirius and James stopped hexing Severus Snape—the boy they called Snivelly.

"Morning, Remus," I said as I sat down. Ari had left, walking over to talk with a tall boy sitting at the Ravenclaw table. Jen and Izzy were too deep in laughter to have heard me had I greeted them.

"Merlin, Lily, you look like hell," he responded, grinning. I stuck out my tongue at him. "What was it this time? Ancient Runes?"

"Potions," I corrected, spooning oatmeal into my bowl and drenching it with brown sugar.

"Lily!" he cried, half-exasperated, half-amused. "You're top in our class! What could you possibly need to study for?"

"I don't need to remind you that we have a huge exam today—you're Remus. You were probably up later than I was."

Jen and Izzy had finally regained control of their laughter, and were listening with half-hearted interest to our conversation.

"It wouldn't matter if she failed anyways, although that's impossible," Jen added. "Slughorn loves her; he'd probably figure that she was right on all of them and the book had made a mistake."

"He'd probably ask Lily to rewrite the book," Izzy teased. I glared at all of them. They only laughed. It really sucked to have friends that knew you so well.

Ari swung herself onto the seat next to me, a rather sappy grin on her face.

"Oh geez, I know that look," Jen said, rolling her eyes. "You were just with Sean, weren't you?" Ari pulled the milk towards herself in a dignified manner.

"Whatever makes you say that?" she asked loftily.

"You look like someone just whacked you over the head with a shovel," Jen said dryly. Ari's cheeks reddened slightly, but the foolish smile was still on her face.

I glanced over at Remus. His eyes were on the fork he was using to pulverize his eggs, face stony.

"The next Hogsmeade trip is this weekend," I said hastily, trying to change the subject. "We should go to that new pub that just opened—The Three Broomsticks."

"Can't," Ari said. Her voice was still a little dreamy. "Sean and I are going to check out the Quidditch supplies store." Damn. It hadn't worked.

"Jen, Izzy?" I asked desperately, trying to steer the conversation away from Ari's boyfriend.

"Love to," Jen said gloomily, "but Slughorn gave me detention for that Saturday."

"Why did you have to throw that crocodile's spleen at Crossley?" Izzy asked, exasperated.

"He was going on and on about some stupid gift his father gave him, like we all needed a reminder of how rich he is. You should be grateful! I shut him up, didn't I?"

"Actually, as I recall it," I interjected, one eyebrow raised, "he then ran to the sink, shrieking like a maniac and trying to rub the slime off his face."

"Well, I at least gave you an everlasting memory of Crossley with a crocodile's innards splattered over his perfect black curls. That's definitely worth a detention."

"So, how about it Izzy?" I asked, rolling my eyes and turning to her. "The Three Broomsticks on Saturday? You could come too, Remus." He started slightly and turned to me. Ari had been looking over at Sean, and I was pretty sure Remus had been as well—although his gaze was probably a lot less friendly than hers had been.

"Uh, sure," he told me. "We could invite—"

"No," I told him firmly. I would have bet every cent I owned that I knew which names he had been about to mention.

"Oh come on, Lily," Remus said impatiently. "You'll never get to know them if you don't even give them a chance."

"That's exactly the way I want it," I retorted.

"But—"

"Look, class is about to start," I said, standing up and swinging my schoolbag over my shoulder. "I'll see you in Potions, Remus." He gave every sign of wanting to continue arguing, but I walked hastily out the door.

"Ten minutes, class."

Slughorn's jovial voice boomed out across the classroom—a death toll for some, a sign of relief for others, like me. Having finished taking and triple-checking my test nearly five minutes ago, I was sitting there in excruciating boredom.

Tilting my head so I could catch Remus' eye, I rolled my eyes at him. He returned the gesture. Then I scanned the rest of the room. Ari had finished her test a few minutes after me and was doodling on a spare piece of parchment. I could only make out the letters 'Se', but that was enough information for me to know exactly who she was daydreaming about.

Jen was sitting a couple of desks to my right, scribbling a final answer on her exam. Even though it was in her blood to pull pranks and generally make herself a nuisance, Jen still was able to scrape good marks and weasel out of any serious trouble. There was a spot of ink on the tip of her nose; one of her nervous habits was to scratch her nose with a quill.

Izzy sat directly in front of me; her head bent low over the exam. Although she tried valiantly, Izzy had to struggle to achieve passing grades in most classes. Her only true gifts were in Herbology and Potions. We all knew that she would become a Healer one day.

The back of my neck was prickling; I could tell that someone was watching me. Turning my head very carefully, I looked back and to the right. Sure enough, James Potter's eyes were plastered onto my face.

When our gaze met, he gave his trademark charming grin and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Rolling my eyes and giving him a look of absolute contempt, I turned back around. Git.

"Five minutes."

"Evans!"

I turned around with a sigh. Sure enough, James Potter was sprinting towards me down the deserted corridor. When he was a few feet from me, he stopped and slouched casually, ruffling his hair with a hand. Merlin, how I hated it when he did that.

"What do you want, Potter?" I asked snappishly.

"Will you go out with me?" This might have caught me by surprise had I not heard that question from him at least 7,000 times before.

"Three guesses as to what my answer is," I said sardonically, beginning to walk away.

"Great! So I'll see you on Saturday at 10:00?" Closing my eyes for a moment to suppress my temper and breathing deeply through my nose, I turned around. He was grinning cockily at me, one hand in his pocket and the other messing up his hair again.

"Is there anything I can say to you that will make you leave me alone?"

"Say you'll go out with me," he suggested quickly.

"Is there anything I can say to you that will make you leave me alone and not result in my going on a date with you?"

"Well, if you would rather just get right to the snogging, then there should be an empty closet two doors down." I decided to ignore him in the hopes that he would go away, like one of those annoying bugs that are large enough to buzz incessantly but just small enough to be impossible to swat. Without another word to him I turned on my heel and strode away.

"Wait! Evans!"

"What do you _want_, Potter!" I shouted, turning around to glare furiously at him. He ran up to me, cloak billowing.

"I lost my schedule for the Prefect's patrolling duties."

"What a surprise," I said sarcastically, turning around and walking away again, hoping dully that he wouldn't follow. Predictably, he did.

"Could you lend me yours? I'm sure with a mind like yours, you've already memorized it." I scowled at his disgusting flattery.

"Fine, I'll lend it to you. Just a second."

"Actually," he said with a mischievous grin, eyes dancing suggestively, "I thought maybe I could go up to your room later tonight…to get it…"

"How about I just give it to you _now_, since I have it right here in my bag?" I said, slapping the list down onto his palm and stalking off.

"You know you can't resist me, Evans!" he called after me.

"Can't you see me swoon for you?" I shouted back to him. Then I turned a corner and out of his sight.

"LILY!"

I spun around for what seemed like the millionth time in the past five minutes to see Jen hurtling down the hall towards me.

"LILY! LILY! It's—it's incredible!"

"What is it?" I asked excitedly. It was all I could do not to laugh at her bouncing state.

"Lily! You know how Astin transferred to Beauxbatons? Well they needed someone to become captain and they asked _me!_ Can you believe it! Me! Lily, I'm captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team!" I gasped with delight.

"Jen, that's awesome!" I squealed, pulling her into a bone-crushing hug.

"I know!" she screamed, wrenching out of my grasp to do a cartwheel in the hall. "I'm captain! I'm captain! I'm cap—"

"Did I hear this right?" an all-too familiar voice spoke, coming from down the corridor. "Our little Jenny is a Quidditch captain?" I turned to see Sirius striding towards us, hands in his pockets and grinning wolfishly. "Who in their right mind would have picked a shortie like you to lead our team?"

"Sod off," Jen practically crowed, standing up from her cartwheel with her arms folded, still beaming.

"Well, there goes our undefeated record," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Go find your other half," Jen retorted, her good mood ebbing away. Sirius had a way of doing that to her.

"Speaking of which, have either of you two charming ladies seen Jamesie recently?"

"Down that hall," I told him, grabbing Jen's arm and walking past Sirius. "He's probably hitting on a statue or something now that I'm gone—flirting is the only thing that boy actually thinks about."

"Can't wait to see you at tonight's practice, sugar!" Sirius called after us. Jen made no sign of having heard him, but as soon as we had turned a corner she stopped dead and swore loudly, terrifying two passing second years.

"I swear, if that prat ruins this for me—" she growled, punching her fist into the palm of her other hand.

"Don't worry, even he and Potter have to listen to the captain," I told her. She snorted loudly. Jen knew as well as I did that those two would make practice as hard for her as possible.

"Tell you what," I amended, trying to get her to calm down. Break was over, and now we had Jen's least favorite class. I figured it was not at all a good idea to let her go to Herbology already in a bad mood. "Maybe Iz and I will come to practice tonight. It'll be fun to watch you guys, and that way we can hex those prats if they cause trouble."

Jen turned to me, beaming. "That'd be great!" she said, happy once more. Jen was the queen of mood swings. We were at the large front doors, and the second she and I opened them we saw a tall, dark head covered in cornrows and a shorter, curly blonde one walking to the vegetable gardens. In the same movement, Jen and I looked at each other.

"Race you!" we both screamed, and set off in a sprint towards the two figures.

A/N: Yeah, I know that this isn't very exciting yet but I want to give background knowledge of the relationships between characters before making a huge twist or anything. Next chapter probably won't be that thrilling either, but then we have the Hogsmeade trip (which should be very interesting, heh heh heh…) and then it's Christmas!

As always, review and I will love you forever!

The Phoenix Queen


	7. Sorry' fixes nothing

I still haven't decided whether or not to write in Sirius' or James' perspective sometimes….hm. So for now, it's all still through dear old Lily's eyes.

Disclaimer: If I was J.K. Rowling, why would I be on this site writing a fic about my own freakin' story?

Later that night, Izzy and I were walking down to the Quidditch pitch. The sun was falling quickly over the horizon, like a child barely able to keep her eyes open. Trees were already casting their shadows like blankets across the lawn and we could hear the sounds of birds settling into their nests for the night. The lake was golden and scarlet in the fading light of the sun, its waves washing calmly against the banks and making a soothing _sshhh_ sound.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Izzy sighed happily, gazing around. I smiled.

"Yeah. Hard to believe we've only been here five years, isn't it? It feels like I've known these grounds forever." There was silence between us, but it was comfortable with the knowledge that if we had wanted to talk we could have, and simply chose to let our friendship speak in silence for the moment.

Izzy sighed again, but there was a sadder edge to it this time. I turned my head in the direction she was staring and at once saw what was making her sound so dejected.

In the stands still yards from us sat Remus, the sunset casting a golden light into his blonde-brown hair. He was not watching the practice being conducted above him, but instead gazing out across the grounds with a relaxed, wise look chiseled into his face. Seeing for a moment through Izzy's mind, Remus looked sadly handsome; in the way that people did when you thought the world of them but knew they never would of you.

"Izzy," I said softly to her. She turned to me, trying to disguise the look of dull hopelessness in her eyes.

I realized that there was nothing I could say to her in this moment that would help the situation at all, and so I simply said, "Let's go sit down."

As we approached the stands, two of the dots above us waved. I assumed it was Ari and Jen and joined Izzy in waving back. Remus then noticed us as well. We were now only feet from him, clambering up the stands to reach the place he was seated.

"Izzy, Lily!" he called to us as we approached. When we stood next to him, he gestured towards the seats on either side of him. Izzy hesitated for just a fraction of a second, then sat beside him. I took the other seat.

"Aren't they great?" he said, grinning and pointing to the tiny red blurs swooping around the pitch like hawks. "Mind you, I'd really rather be holding a book right now, but I suppose your company will have to do for amusement."

"Love you too, Remus."

"Look, someone just scored on Jen!" he said, pointing. "Was that MacLane?"

"Actually, it looked like Sirius to me." The figure flew over to Jen, hand outstretched for a high five, and she kicked him in the shins. "Yup, definitely Sirius."

"So, are we still on for the Three Broomsticks this weekend?" Remus asked after a slight pause. His voice was perfectly casual, but he was distinctly not looking at me.

"Yes," I said, eyeing him suspiciously. "Why?"

"No reason, just checking." There was definitely a guilty air about him now.

"Remus, you are a terrible liar. What did you do?" When he remained silent, avoiding my gaze, my eyes narrowed. "Did you possibly invite a young man by the name of…oh… maybe James Potter?" His silence I took for consent, coupled with the fact that he was turning a faint pink.

"Remus!" I cried, annoyed. My voice echoed around the empty stand. "I _told_ you not to!"

"Oh come on, Lily," he replied, equally exasperated. "He's not that bad once you get to know him!"

"Yes, and if you can ignore the fact that he is an arrogant git who enjoys bullying and harassing people for the fun of it."

"Just give him a chance. He'd really like to get to know you."

"If that's your way of saying he asks me out every breath he takes and refuses to comprehend the word 'no'," I said dryly, "then yes, Potter obviously wishes to get to know me."

"Well, maybe if you'd speak two words to the boy that weren't an insult—"

"Are you saying this is _my_ fault?" I demanded, incensed.

"I'm saying that you're being unfairly stubborn about the situation."

"Fine," I seethed, standing up. "Fine."

"Where are you going?" Izzy asked, the first words she had spoken in Remus' presence.

"I'm going to bed," I said, stalking off.

"But it's 8:00!"

"I'm going to bed," I repeated, still striding away angrily.

"Lily!" Remus called after me.

I left the stands still fuming, but I did not head towards the castle with its lights appearing in the windows like fireflies coming out at dusk. Instead, my feet led me across the grass and to the edge of the lake.

I sat down in the cool grass and leant against an old maple tree, its limbs spreading above me like a canopy. Resting my head against its gnarled trunk and closing my eyes, I slowed my breathing and concentrated on the sound of the waves washing over the bank feet from me.

Once my body had relaxed into the air around me, I opened my mind to all that Remus had said. What was he _talking _about, I was being unfairly stubborn? I had given Potter a chance, hadn't I? I hadn't disliked him straight off, but then he'd had to go and insult me when I was scared enough of all that magic. Besides, he'd offended Jen. And as if all that weren't enough, he had attacked and almost _killed_ Snape for no apparent reason.

How was I supposed to give Potter another chance when I didn't _want_ to get to know him? He harassed people—and not only Snape—just because he could. It was sick, the way he picked out people who already felt insecure enough and humiliated them in front of the whole school. My temper was getting hot just thinking about him. If Remus wanted to confront someone about our relationship, why didn't he confront _Potter_? It wasn't as if I was going to like him just by getting to know him, because no matter how well I knew him nothing I found would be able to compensate for the cruelties he did to others.

I closed my eyes, and to my immense frustration felt myself blinking back tears. Why was this matter affecting me so? That was another reason that Potter annoyed me so thoroughly—I couldn't hate him without feeling ashamed, and even slightly sad. I hated disliking anyone.

After about half an hour had gone by, I heard faint voices from somewhere to my left. Opening my eyes—I had been dozing in the calm inspired by the lake's rhythm—I looked around. The sun had set long ago now, and only a shade of light still lit up the sky. On the distant horizon, the moon was poking its head above the trees and stars began to shyly come out of the inky dome.

Barely discernable in the twilight were four figures walking up the sloping lawn to the castle: one stockier, one medium height and the other two lean and tall. I did not even need the starlight to know who they were.

As I watched them distantly pass me, one of the taller two turned in my direction. He did not stop, but I could almost feel his eyes lingering on me until the group reached the stone steps. Then the large front door opened, spilling light for a few moments onto the darkened grounds, and before the world became black again I saw that my assumption about their identities had been correct. Then the door swung shut, and silence once again fell across the land.

Feeling peaceful, I looked at my watch. It was 8:45, and my patrol started at 9:00. Stretching sadly, not wishing to leave the comfort and serenity of this darkened world, I stood.

The wind twirled around me, its cold wispy fingers toying with my hair and the scarf wrapped protectively around my neck. Feeling a sudden surge of freedom, I leant down and unlaced my sneakers. Pulling them off and clasping one in each hand, I sank my toes into the earthy ground. The soil was cool and moist, radiating harmony and wild energy.

Another cold breeze wrapped around me, and I took off into the night. My legs were moving seamlessly, chided by the voice of Mother Night. Trees rustled all around me, encouraging, breathing life into my feet. At their every whisper they seemed to be urging me, _Faster...faster…_

And at their every call, I sped faster. Soon my toes barely skimmed the grass. I was no longer running.

I was flying.

The darkness seemed to pull apart my essence until I was one with it; one with the night. The wind lived my hair, rejoicing in it and making it tumble about my face and behind my neck. I didn't know whether I breathed, or whether I simply existed in the darkness, without need for oxygen. Closing my eyes, I spun around in circle after circle, leaping and twirling and dancing. My heart was free and wild, untamable. The darkness protected me.

Only…it wasn't completely dark anymore.

Stopping mid-twirl, I stumbled and spun around in horror. There was a sliver of light trickling onto the grounds, coming from the open door in which, illuminated, stood James Potter.

My first foolish thought was that he looked like an angel. The light spilling out all around him shone like a halo against his inky hair and fluttering black robes. But then I truly registered his face, and rage networked through my body. How dare he intrude upon _my_ night?

For a moment, we simply stood there. I was too far to make out his face, but could guess that he was smirking cruelly at me. Suddenly another emotion undercut my anger: humiliation. I was sure Potter would spread this all around the school. Who did he think he was, telling everyone that I danced in the moonlight? That was my secret.

_Calm down, Lily_, I told myself shakily. _He hasn't told anyone yet.__ Maybe he won't._ But I couldn't fool myself.

With as much dignity as I possessed, I strode calmly up to the castle, not bothering to put on my shoes. The moment I got close enough to see Potter's face, I could tell that he had been staring at me ever since I stopped spinning. _How long had he been there?_ I wondered, my sense of dread intensifying. _How much had he seen?_

I ascended the steps and stood facing Potter for a second. His expression was unreadable, but I was startled to realize that it didn't look as if he were laughing at me. There was silence for a moment.

"I wanted to make sure you didn't forget the patrol tonight," he said, still looking at me. I started at his voice. It was not taunting, or even hinted with a snicker.

"Um, thank you," I responded awkwardly. The only time I had ever spoken to Potter in a voice other than a shout had been our first ever conversation. We stood there uncomfortably for a second longer, then I began to walk up to Gryffindor tower, my still-bare feet tracking mud on the polished floor. Potter followed.

"Oi, Prongs!" We both turned around to see Sirius sprinting down the hall in our direction. He fell into step with us, grinning devilishly. I decided to ignore his presence.

"So, you two finally going out then?" I whipped around, incensed. So much for ignoring him.

"Maybe," Potter said casually before I could respond.

"No!" I snapped. Why was it that silently walking along a corridor with Potter _when we had patrol duty together_ meant that I wanted to date him?

"What are you doing, then?" Sirius asked, obviously not believing me.

"I was coming to make sure she wouldn't be late to patrol, and she was outside dancing in the moonlight." To my absolute fury, I found myself going beet red. Why did he have to tell that to Sirius, of all people?

Not to my surprise, Sirius howled with laughter. "You were _dancing in the moonlight_?"

"Oh sod off!" I growled angrily, walking faster to escape them.

"Where are you going?" Potter called. "We have patrol right now!"

"Not together, we don't!" I snapped back. "I'm patrolling the fourth floor and above; you can do what you want. But Merlin help you if I see so much as your shadow tonight!" And thus said, I stormed off.

Walking up and down the corridors gave me plenty of time to stew in my resentment. As a result, I was perhaps a little too testy towards a pair of second-years wandering the fifth floor; they hurried away, terrified, as soon as I had finished telling them off. I felt a twinge of guilt as they ran off, which only helped to fuel my anger towards Potter. This was all his fault.

By the time I reentered the Common Room two and a half hours later, I had walked off all my fury and was much too exhausted to be angry anymore. So tired was I that even the sight of Potter sitting in one of the couches, jumping up when I came in, did not spur my temper. Instead, I simply kept walking past him, hoping that he would not say anything.

"Evans?"

Predictable. The boy always talked when I least wanted him to. But, seeing as that was all the time...

"What do you want, Potter?" I asked tiredly, not turning around but stopping. All I really wanted was to go to bed.

"Evans…I—I'm sorry that I told Pad—Sirius about what you were doing. I didn't…it wasn't…I wasn't trying to embarrass you."

"'Sorry' doesn't take it back," I said wearily. "But thank you for apologizing." That last was the automatic response I'd had since I was eight. My parents had taught me not to say "It's okay" when it wasn't. This was one of those times.

"Goodnight, Potter," I said as I walked up the stairs to my dormitory, barely able to keep my eyes open. Halfway up the stairs, I heard him whisper,

"Goodnight, Evans."

Too tired even to pull on my pajamas, I simply flopped, fully clothed, onto my bed. An inch away from sleep, I closed my eyes. One last conscious thought floated through my head.

_Did **Potter** just **apologize** to me? _

And then I was swept away in a tide of dreams, carried off to a distant shore where I would stay until morning.

A/N: Next chapter is Hogsmeade! Hee hee hee……..

As always, review!

The Phoenix Queen


	8. Hogsmeade

**A/N: Sorry for the long break! I was on vacation and had literally no way of updating. But now I'm back! And here is the long awaited **_**Hogsmeade chapter!**_** Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: There once was a rather young author**

**Who thought disclaimers were a bother**

**She said "Lawyers, be true!**

**Please do not sue!**

**Because I don't own Harry Potter!"**

**(Don't you wish I'd done the story in limericks?)**

Saturday dawned clear and mysterious, with a whole day of undiscovered wonders still folded neatly on their shelf and only waiting for their turn to unravel. I would know, for that morning I woke early. It was not an abrupt awakening, like the time Ari had had to pour a bucket of ice cubes on me to rouse me. I simply sat up at six o'clock and was wide awake—just like that.

Knowing that I would not be able to fall back asleep, I quietly got dressed. The days had gotten abruptly cooler over the past week and so I threw on a pair of jeans and a thick green sweater. I wrapped a scarf around my neck and headed towards the door, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The sight made me grin. With the red and gold Gryffindor scarf against my emerald sweater, I looked vaguely like an elf who had lost her way to Santa's workshop.

Pulling my hair back loosely with a clip, I grabbed Pride and Prejudice from my bedside table and headed down to the common room in a pair of mismatched socks: one purple, the other striped blue.

The common room was silent when I reached it. The fire was crackling merrily in the hearth: no matter how late you stayed up or how early you rose, the house elves always managed to keep the fire tended perfectly without you catching so much as a glimpse of them. I had always wanted to meet a house elf. Even though it was said that they existed to serve and weren't happy unless they did, I still wondered whether they ever got tired of it, or wished to do something else.

My favorite armchair by the fire mirrored the rest of the room—empty. Plunging myself into its cushions, I opened my book to the dog-eared page. Bookmarks always seemed to disappear in my hands. Finding my spot on the page, I glowed with pleasure. This was my favorite part of the book. Curling tighter into the ball I was snuggled in, I began to read.

After a few minutes, I suddenly realized that I had not taken in almost any of Mr. Darcy's love struck professions. Instead, my mind had been wandering into an odd subject.

I had not spoken to Potter since the night of patrol. The events of that evening seemed so abstractly mismatched now that I hardly dared trust my memory of it. Had Potter honestly _apologized_ to me? Or had I, in my exhausted state, simply misconstrued his words accidentally so that it _seemed_ as if he had apologized? My recollection of it was hindered by fatigue, and everything now seemed so unreal that I wondered if any of it had happened at all.

But whether or not Potter truly felt sorry for humiliating me, his actions during class had not changed. He had recently acquired a new girlfriend, less than a day after dumping his previous one. We had actually thought he might have been getting serious about that girlfriend: they were together nearly three and a half weeks.

That was the way Potter was—changing girlfriends as often as he did clothes. Sirius was even worse in that sense. His longest relationship had lasted twelve days. Ever since third year, when they had both first gone out with someone, Hogwarts seemed to house a never-ending supply of girls only waiting to date one or both of them. Needless to say, it fairly made me sick.

"Lily?"

I jumped about a foot in the air, dropping my book with a loud _clunk_ on my toe. Swearing under my breath, I turned around to see a small boy standing at the base of the stone steps leading to the boys' dormitory.

Wrinkling my brow, I attempted to remember whether I had ever seen him before. He could not have been more than a first year, with messy black hair and a roundish face framed by glasses. I was shocked to realize that he looked like a mini version of Potter, except for something wrong that I could not put my finger on…

Then suddenly it hit me. The large eyes staring so fixatedly at me were not hazel like Potter's. They were green.

"Lily?"

I blinked, and all at once the young boy vanished. In surprise, I looked around the room to see where he had gone, but the child had disappeared and suddenly Remus was standing next to me.

"Oh!" I said, still confusedly searching the room with my eyes. Where had the boy gone?

"Are you all right?" Remus asked, a note of anxiousness in his voice.

"I—I'm fine…" I answered faintly, not facing him but looking into the shadowy corners at the base of the staircase. "Did you see that little boy?"

"What boy?" he asked, sounding even more bewildered.

"That boy that was standing there," I pointed to the stairs, "just two seconds ago. Did you see where he went?"

"No one was there," Remus said, and I could hear the worry in his voice. "Lily, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine!" I told him, now growing impatient. "But he was right there—he had black hair and green eyes—he can't have gone far—"

"No one was there," Remus repeated, and I finally turned to look at him. He was scrutinizing my face, looking uneasy. I felt my stomach grow cold. It wasn't like him to play a joke like this on me. And there would have been no way for the boy to get away without Remus seeing…which meant that he had never been there at all.

Then what had I seen?

Forcing a smile upon on my face, I caught Remus' eyes. "It must have been just the aftermath of a dream," I told him, hoping I sounded more assured then I felt. Still looking slightly concerned, he nodded.

"Breakfast, then?" he asked, stretching slightly. "We'll need plenty of energy—it's cold as hell out there."

"Hell is hot, Remus," I reminded him.

"Maybe to you."

Laughing, I stood and followed him out of the portrait hole, pushing the mysterious young boy out of my mind. However, whether it was reflex or curiosity, I could not help turning to look one last time before the door closed. The common room was most certainly empty. Trying not to let my mind linger on that disturbing event, I turned away and walked down the hall with Remus.

"I'm telling you, Remus, it's _amenacaldo_."

"It's _amen__**o**__caldo_!"

"Try it out, then, and see."

"Fine! _Amenocaldo_!"

There was a loud bang as green sparks shot out of the tip of Remus' wand. Suddenly the mug of tea in front of him shrank to less than a quarter of its original size.

"I told yo—oh bloody—!" Unfortunately, the amount of tea had remained the same, causing the lukewarm amber liquid to pour over the table and directly into my lap.

As Remus quickly mopped up the remaining tea, I performed a simple spell that dried up the spill on my legs and erased all traces of stain. Once the mess had been cleared up and the mug of tea restored to normal size, I glared across the table at Remus.

"Now let's see, where were we before that little interruption? Oh yes, I was just about to say, 'I told you so'."

"Okay, okay, you were right," Remus said, his hands up in a sign of defeat. "So hex me."

"Not a bad idea," I said seriously. "Had that tea been hot, it would have caused considerable damage." He snorted, and I broke my solemn face.

A force slammed down on the bench next to me. I turned to see Jen there, already shoveling down food with a speed of which Sirius would have been proud.

"Could you maybe eat a little faster, Jen?" I asked seriously. "You're really slowing down the rest of us." She rolled her eyes at me.

"Sflughorn's making me shtart at eight," she moaned, spraying bits of egg all over me.

"Thanks," I said dryly, wiping a particularly slimy bit off my cheek. "Any other bits of breakfast you'd like to spew at me?" Before Jen could retort (luckily, because her mouth was again filled with food) Izzy and Ari sat down next to us.

"Damn, you look nice!" I said, grinning at Ari. She did. Her hair was wrapped up into a braided bun at the back of her head, and the light blue t-shirt, jean jacket and khaki pants all fit her perfectly. It was one of the first times I had seen her in something other than football shorts and a loose-fitting shirt or jersey. **(Remember, football is soccer in England!) **

Ari smiled, slightly shy but obviously pleased, as Jen consented to my statement and Izzy beamed on proudly. Her cheeks slightly red, Ari then turned her attention to her meal as if nothing was different.

I snuck a glance at Remus. His eyes were still on Ari, an expression of awe barely concealed on his face. Then a shadow crossed his face as he looked above her head. Before I had even turned around, a familiar voice brushed my ear, and I closed my eyes imploringly. Beautiful. Just what we all needed to make this a perfect day.

"Hey guys," a warm voice greeted. Now turning up to look at him, I saw Sean standing behind Ari, his usual smile in place. Jen, Izzy and I all said "hi" in return, but Remus merely gave him a curt nod in his general direction. Ari turned around, a rapturous smile on her face.

"Hi Sean," she said, and I felt as if my heart was being pulled in opposite directions. On principle, I had to despise the boy who was keeping Ari from noticing Remus, but how could I possibly begrudge anyone who made her sound so happy?

And despite myself, I could not help liking Sean. None of us could—well, except Remus. He was so _right_ for Ari: funny, athletic, smart, sweet and to top it all off the perfect gentleman. Plus the fact that he was totally besotted with her and had been since second year. That was at least one thing he and Remus had in common.

"Hey, sweetie," he said, kissing her on the forehead and sitting down between her and me. Kissing her on the forehead? How more perfect could he get? I felt as if a well of despair was overflowing in me, battling a wave of adoration for their relationship.

"So Lily," he grinned, turning to me while draping one arm around Ari's waist. I tried to ignore Remus' involuntary fist-clenching at this. "How did that huge Potions test go? Let me guess: full marks, as well as extra credit?"

"Actually, I failed it."

"Lily, how stupid do you think I am? Don't answer that," he added hastily. I laughed.

"How did you do?" I asked, starting on a cranberry muffin.

"Painfully bad."

"Right. You know, contrary to all appearances, I'm not that gullible either."

"I got a 97."

"And I'm ready to kill him for it," Ari put in, glaring at him. "He beat me by one point."

"First time!" Sean said meekly, putting his hands up in surrender. She raised an eyebrow and glowered at him, causing him to cower. "Lily, protect me!" he stage-whispered out of the corner of his mouth. **(Yeah, for the sake of the joke I changed the grading system a wee bit.) **Ari's face broke into a smile, and she kissed his cheek.

"What, that's all I get for a _ninety-seven_ in Potions?" he asked with a fake pout.

"For now," she responded, her eyes bright with teasing.

"Okay, next subject!" I said loudly. Ari giggled, but I had only been partially joking. I could tell Remus was not at all happy with where things were going. The shredded napkin in his lap clued me in.

"What do you think Hufflepuff's chances are against Slytherin?" Sean asked, and Jen finally jumped into the discussion.

"Well, they have to win by a margin of fifty to have a stab at us…" Content to leave the conversation in these safe waters, I turned inconspicuously to Remus.

"Are you all right?" I whispered to him, leaning forward.

"I'm fine," he growled. My heart ached from looking at him in this dejected state, but I knew the only person who would be able to comfort him was Ari, and she was miles away, deep in Sean's eyes, obliviously happy without Remus.

Our laughter mingled with the air as Izzy and I strolled up the street that would lead us to Hogsmeade. When we crested the hill, all of the village was laid out before our feet like a photograph, dressed up just for us. Smoke furled from the chimneys, dissipating into the cold gray sky. In the breezy mid-afternoon gloom, the bright lights of shop windows stuck out warmly through the fog. I checked my watch.

"C'mon Iz," I urged, grabbing her gloved hand in my own and rushing down the street. "We're late."

As we approached the Three Broomsticks, I could make out four figures standing in the mist. Stopping dead, I hissed, "Curse you, Remus." 

Unfortunately, at that moment the boys caught sight of us and waved, shattering my hope of sneaking away unnoticed. Muttering things beneath my breath that made Izzy exclaim, we headed towards the building.

"Hey Lily, hey Izzy!" Remus said jovially. He was grinning infuriatingly at me, and I shot him a glare worthy of any Slytherin.

"Hi Remus," I said curtly. Then, after a few moments deliberate pause, I added, "Hello, Black. Pettigrew. Potter."

"Evans," they said, equally formal, but I could tell that all of them (especially Sirius) were enjoying my discomfort. I could have told without looking that James was staring at me. It was, after all, how he occupied the majority of his time in my presence.

"Hey guys," Izzy said in a perfectly nice voice, although her cheeks reddened the tiniest bit when Remus looked at her.

"Izzy dear," Sirius grinned wolfishly. "My, you're looking gorgeous today." She was, too. The blue jacket and black pants she wore accentuated her periwinkle eyes, and her hair curled delicately over her shoulders, pulled back carefully at the sides with bobby pins. I wondered with a pang whether she had dressed specifically for Remus.

"Shall we go in, then?" Remus asked, rubbing his hands together. "It's freezing." As everyone else filed into the pub, I grabbed Remus' arm to hold him back. When they were all inside except us, I hissed,

"Remus, I can't believe you invited them!" Even though I was seething, he was perfectly calm.

"Well Lily, I did, and there's nothing you can do about it now, so why don't you make the best of the situation?" And then he pulled out of my grip and strode into the tavern.

Furious with him for doing this to me—and even more so for being absolutely right—I pushed the door open behind him and strode in.

It was wonderfully warm inside, already bustling with customers and filled therefore with the delightful energy all well-kept pubs acquire. Spotting my party sitting down at a table next to the window, I hurried over resignedly. As I approached them, Potter scooted in so that he was crushing both Sirius and Peter, making room for me next to him and draping his arm over the back of the booth in a would-be-casual manner. Ignoring this, I plopped down next to Izzy and peeled off my cloak.

"So, do we order at the bar or what?" Sirius asked, shoving Potter over so that the temporarily vacant spot was full once again.

"Yeah, I can grab the drinks," Remus said. "I've heard the Butterbeer here is supposed to be amazing. Should we just get six of those?" Murmurs of assent greeted this, and Remus stood up, forcing me to as well to let him pass. "Will you come with me, Izzy? I'll need some help carrying them." Izzy got up, too. I wondered if he knew how happy she had to be at this moment.

They left, and I sat back down across from Sirius, James, and Peter. It went unnoticed by none of us that Remus had left me alone with the three boys I detested most.

"So," I said stiffly—my pride would not allow Remus to accuse me of being antisocial. But that was as far as I got.

"So," Potter repeated, nodding.

"You must be a hit at parties," Sirius said. "Great conversation starter."

"And yet somehow, I think being a total git is a greater turn-off," I shot back. Nice. Not five sentences into the discussion and already a barrage of insults had begun.

I turned in my seat, willing Remus and Izzy to come back quickly, but could not make out the counter through the crowd of people.

"How's you're life going?" Potter asked.

"Is this your idea of meaningful conversation, or are you simply making fun of me?"

"Just answer the question, Evans."

"My life is fine."

"And you complain about _my _conversational skills?"

"Fine. You want to know how my life is?" All three boys nodded. "All right then. My life is absolute bloody rubbish right now. Or rather, my friend's lives are."

"What happened?"

"You're joking." I looked at them flatly, incredulous that they had carried the conversation this far. "You honestly want to know what's going on in my life right now?"

"So we can make fun of it, yeah," said Sirius, nodding. There were another few moments of silence, in which I glared suspiciously at each of them in turn. I could not honestly believe that they cared at all what was happening. But then again, who minded if they didn't? It was a chance to vent my frustration at my friends' inability to sort their love lives out, and who could pass up _that_ chance?

"All right then. But you are sworn to secrecy, understand?" They nodded, but I saw a smirk crossing James' face and moving on to Sirius'. Suddenly I had doubts. Big doubts. Why on earth _shouldn't_ they tell? It was the Marauders, after all. And then a smirk of my own appeared. I leaned forward, elbows on the table. It was time to talk business.

"If any of you breathes so much as a word of what I say henceforth, I will personally ensue that a heavy dose of Veritaserum finds its way into one of your meals."

Both Sirius and James paled at this prospect. It made me insatiably curious to know what secrets, exactly, would come pouring out of their mouths should such an event occur. But I couldn't go off on a tangent now: I wanted to make absolutely sure they understood the seriousness of this threat.

"And don't think that you'll just be able to avoid it, when it's in your meal. You won't know what dish to look in, or what day to look. There's no possible way of detecting it. That means that to evade the serum, you'd have to evade meals—and I know how long you three could last without food." I didn't know, precisely, but I was guessing it couldn't be longer than an hour or two.

Sirius and James exchanged a glance. Then Peter asked, "What's Veritaserum?"

I ignored him, as did the other two. There seemed to be a moment of careful consideration on their end. I say 'seemed' because I'm not honestly sure just how much thinking goes on in their brains. Then both turned to me.

"We agree to the terms," Sirius said, putting out his hand for me to shake. I did so.

"Absolute secrecy, then?"

"Absolute secrecy."

But I was taking no chances. Using a spell I had heard Snape perform once, I whispered, "Muffliato!" Now there was no chance of our being overheard.

Turning back to the table, I stared unenthusiastically at my audience. Peter was picking his nose, and, left unattended for a moment, both other boys were now observing parts of my anatomy. Or, perhaps 'checking out' is the more appropriate term here.

"Guys!" I snapped, and Sirius' and James' eyes were instantly on my face. Now that they were looking away from my chest, I said, "_Petrificus totalus_!" Neither had time to make a reaction and were instantly frozen.

"The eyes stay up here, k?" I said firmly, gesturing towards my face. Peter, cowed by my hexing his friends, had his finger out of his nose and was also staring attentively at me.

Sighing, I muttered the countercurse. They unfroze and looked obediently up at me. It was hard to convince myself that they were a better audience than none at all, but I tried.

"Tell us, Lily," Sirius said, giving me puppy eyes. Assured that I had their attention, I took a deep breath.

"All right. So firstly, an acquaintance of mine whom we'll call 'Sally' is madly in love with another acquaintance of mine, 'Billy', and has been since the moment she met him. But 'Billy' does not realize 'Sally' exists and is currently enamored with 'Martha' who is dating 'George', but 'Martha' doesn't know 'Billy' exists and 'Billy' is jealous of 'George' who I want to hate for 'Billy's' sake but can't hate for 'Martha's' sake. 'Sally' is too shy to talk in front of 'Billy', let alone ask him out on a date, and 'Billy' is convinced that he doesn't have a chance with 'Martha' but he won't let go of it. And if 'Billy' and 'Martha' end up together, 'Sally' and 'George' will be heartbroken, but if 'Sally' and 'Billy' end up together, 'Sally' will eventually end up heartbroken because 'Billy' will still be in love with 'Martha'. So 'Sally' is pining over 'Billy' while 'Billy' is pining over 'Martha' and 'Martha' is obsessed with 'George' and they're all just too hopelessly blinded by love to reason anything out for themselves."

Okay, so the ending was a bit dramatic, but it felt nice to rant to _some_one. A short silence followed this proclamation. Then—

"So why don't you just tell them all to piss off?" James asked.

"Yeah honestly, a good snog is all they need," Sirius chimed in helpfully. Closing my eyes in a prayer for patience, I asked him in a voice that showed I was at the end of my tolerance,

"But remember, the point was that _they're all in unrequited love triangles_. So _who_, exactly, are they supposed to snog?"

"Oh, anyone really," he answered, shrugging dismissively.

"As long as they're hot," Peter put in.

"Good point, mate. I mean, snogging an ugly girl wouldn't cheer anyone up."

"You are such _prats!_" I said furiously. "Is the only thing that matters to you in a girl her _face_?"

"No!" said James, affronted.

"She has to have a nice ass, too," Sirius agreed piously.

"Oh for Merlin's—! Where is Remus?! I'm going to _kill_ that boy! Right after I'm done with you three!"

"Good point, Lils," Sirius said, his grin sliding off for the first time. "Where is old Moony? He said he was getting drinks—it can't have taken him this long, can it?"

And then the full extent of Remus' evildoings struck me. My mouth dropped open in horror.

"He _left _me with you three?"

"Now, Lily," Sirius said in a wounded voice. "That hurts. You make it sound like you don't want to be with us."

"**I don't, you prat!"**

"Well honestly, who can blame her?" James asked, shrugging. "I have trouble myself, being with you and Wormtail."

"You are most definitely included on the list of people I don't want to be with, Potter!"

"Who, me?" he questioned in surprise, looking around him.

"Yes, you! Now I am leaving this place!" And I stormed off.

As soon as I shut the pub door behind me, I breathed a great sigh and headed up the street. It was nice to be in fresh air again, even bitterly cold fresh air. It was even nicer to be away from those three.

I began to trudge up the street, thinking hard about them. It was always difficult for me to dislike someone, and I had to justify it to myself. So, I made a list of pros and cons in my head.

The Marauders (excluding Remus)

Cons:

-They are insensitive and unfeeling towards anyone with less status than them

-They attack people for the fun of it

-They never actually like the people they date: they only like the snogging

-They insist on provoking people even when those people are having a bad day

-They pick their noses (Peter: definitely. James and Sirius: unsure, but likely)

-They are immature prats

Pros:

-They can be funny when they aren't being total gits, which is all the time

-They've never killed anyone

It wasn't a very encouraging list, what with the six cons and only two pros, one of which was more of a con anyways and the other of which was pretty general. I was definitely justified to hate them.

Putting the Marauders out of my mind, I headed up the street. Maybe I could find Remus and Izzy somewhere. There were still several hours left before the trip was over. I might as well not waste them.

Suddenly, a movement in a nearby alleyway caught my eye. Someone was slinking from trash can to trash can, obviously hoping to keep out of sight. I glanced around the street nervously. No one was about—probably all well-hidden in their warm houses or stores, safe from this chill.

The motion caught my eye again, and I started walking, but quicker. I was too near the alleyway, but there was a shop just ahead that I could dive into. Footsteps bounced off the alley walls, coming steadily closer. I began to run, terrified, and the beats quickened as well. Now I was sprinting down the street, pulling out my wand, when suddenly the figure from the alleyway came abruptly into plain sight. Without thinking, I whipped around and shouted "STUPEFY!"

In my nervous state, the force of my spell blasted the person off their feet and into the trash cans behind them. They slammed into the bins, tumbling down and lying motionless on the ground, face covered by a can lid.

I rushed over. However much this stalker had scared me, I didn't want them to be hurt or anything. The second I lifted the bin from their face, any guilty feeling left me.

"JAMES POTTER!" I yelled. "What the _hell_ did you think you were doing? You scared me half out of my wits! _Ennervate_!"

Released from the spell, Potter looked confused and disoriented. Rubbing his head, he made as if to stand but backed away at the sight of my wand, pointing directly towards his chest.

There was a rustle in the alleyway to our left and I jumped, spinning around. Suddenly guessing who it was, I yelled,

"Sirius, Peter? Get out here!" Slowly, two figures rose. Looking at all three of them, I heaved an enormous, resigned sigh.

"So if I try to ignore you today, you're just going to stalk me? Is that how it's going to be?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Sirius said, hands in his pockets. Potter was standing warily, but I did not offer him a hand up. I sighed again, before turning around.

"I'm going to Zonko's then," I said, crossing my arms against the breeze and striding away from the alley.

"Great! We'll come too!" Potter crowed, as all three began to follow me. "Say Lily, did you—"

"I didn't say I was talking to you!" I shouted back to them, marching stubbornly up the hill, the three boys hurrying along in my wake.

**A/N: In all randomness, I love Grey's Anatomy! But as to do with the story, well, it was fun to write! Sorry that the ending isn't too great.**

**Terribly sorry to keep talking, but I am editing all this stuff (it's been almost a year since I wrote this) and I just have to say that the third season of Grey's SUCKED!!!! Oh writers, why did you have to screw up a show that actually had potential? Why???? **

**Scrubs is my new show. ALL HAIL SCRUBS!!!! **

**Going now. **


	9. Dolohov

**A/N: Now we have another character introduced (two actually) and boy do I hate one of them! But we need him for the story, so I can't bump him off just yet…**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I would not be going to school in one week (aah!) because I would have gone to the moon in a rocket I built out of hundred dollar bills.**

December 15

"Ah, Lily m'dear!"

A grin slid onto my face automatically as I turned around. Slughorn was waddling towards me down the hall, jovial mouth spread into its usual beam, his walrus moustache suspended over it like an umbrella.

"Hello Professor," I replied with a smile, waiting for him to catch up to me.

"Lily, m'dear, I'm having a little Christmas party this Friday and I absolutely _must_ have you come. It wouldn't be half a party without you."

"Can't, Professor. I have patrol duty that night."

"Oh, come come!" he cried with a dismissive wave of the hand. "Surely the other Prefects can spare you for one night. It's Christmas, after all!"

"But—"

"No buts, m'dear! I simply _must_ see you there. I think I'll speak to Dumbledore himself about letting you off one night, I'm sure the old boy will see sense."

"With you persuading him, he has little chance of seeing otherwise."

"You'll come, then?"

"I'll come, Professor," I told him, grinning. "But are you sure a party is the way you want to spend Christmas? You're not exactly a social person and I can't help wondering if you'd enjoy yourself."

"You tease me, m'girl!" Slughorn said, chortling. "Then I expect to see you in my office at 7:00, Friday night or I'll have to take away that extra credit you got on the last test! Not that it would affect your grade in the slightest…"

I laughed. "Don't worry, I'll be there. I won't enjoy myself, but I'll be there."

"I suppose that's all I can ask. And of course, it would be foolish of me to hope that you might come with a young gentleman?"

"Yes, it would," I agreed.

"Not even Mr. Potter?"

"_Least _of all Mr. Potter."

"Ah, m'girl, you'll have to get a love life sooner or later," Slughorn said, wagging his finger reprovingly at me.

"But in the meantime, I'm managing just fine without one."

"Mark my words, you and Mr. Potter will end up together someday!" he called after me as I strode down the hall, rolling my eyes in amusement. "But remember, 7:00 Friday, my office!"

"I'll be there!" I called back to him. Slughorn strode away—I could hear his shiny black boots echoing with every step he took—and I continued to walk down the corridor, shaking my head with a grin. Soon his footsteps died away and I continued to walk in silence.

"Getting some extra credit, are we Evans?" a sly voice drawled from behind a statue.

I stopped in my tracks, icy loathing seeping through my body. I knew that voice.

A figure uncurled and slunk out from the sculpture just in front of me, casual and almost undulating before me. The black robes billowed around his feet in the same slimy, snakelike air that attributed each of his motions.

"Dolohov," I said coldly, resuming my pace. When I reached him, however, he did not step aside.

"Let me pass," I ordered, fists clenching unconsciously at my side.

"Been doing some…extra work lately?" he sneered, leering at me. I hated his eyes.

"What do you mean by that?" I demanded, trying to walk around him. He stepped in front of me, cutting off my escape route, and I looked up at him with hatred.

"'7:00, Friday, my office'?" he mocked. "Is that why you've been getting so much extra credit?"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, Dolohov. Let me through."

"I'm merely suggesting that you can…_help_ Slughorn in ways the rest of us can't," he drawled. I understood him with a nauseating rush of loathing and revulsion.

"You're pathetic," I snapped, trying to sidestep him. He followed my motion.

"That's why you're his favorite, isn't it? That's the only reason you get such good grades. You're just a common hooker."

"Go to hell," I snarled, pushing roughly past him and storming furiously away. I was not going to let him incense me with such low insults. But Dolohov did not let it go. He caught up to me again and stepped before me, blocking my path.

"I suppose that's the reason they let a Mudblood like you come in the first place, isn't it? Did your slut of a mother have to sleep with the entire Board of Directors to get them to let you in?" There was something very large inside me growing steadily hotter and hotter. I breathed deeply, trying to calm my mind, but the thing inside me was fighting to get out.

"That's where you learned it from, I guess, you whore. Like mother, like daugh—"

The rest of the word was cut off as I lunged toward him, grabbing him by the throat with one hand. Pushing him up against the wall, I held my wand at the base of his neck.

"Say one word now and I'll make you sorry you were ever born," I threatened, breathing heavily, my eyes glittering with utter hatred. Dolohov was appraising me with his eyes; he looked contemptuous but wary.

"Now listen good, you pathetic piece of shit. You are never going to say another word about my mother or I will personally ensure that it is the last thing you ever do. Stay clear of me, stay clear of my friends, and _stay clear of my family_. And if you ever call me a whore again, you will find out just how dangerous we _Mudbloods_ are."

There was a sharp intake of breath to our right. My head whipped around; Dolohov's eyes flashed over to the spot it had come from.

Potter was standing in the otherwise deserted corridor, mouth open, having apparently come up without either of us hearing. He seemed to be sizing up the situation: me, hand around Dolohov's throat, my wand pressed to the base of his neck, the two of us shoved against the wall.

I released Dolohov instantly, dropping him to the ground like he had burned my hands. Potter was still standing there staring at me. I could not quite read his gaze. Shock and astonishment were imminent in it, but there were other layers that I did not bother to fathom. It mattered little to me what Potter thought.

Turning away from them, I strode away down the corridor without looking back. When I had turned the corner, I broke into a run, dashing past people heading back from lunch or talking amongst themselves. Some called out to me, but I didn't stop until I reached an empty classroom. Throwing myself into the room, I shut the door with a click and leaned against it.

Fury was venting through my body, pulsating in my veins and almost blinding me. I felt nauseated, ready to throw up. How _dare_ he say such things about me? How _dare_ he call me a whore? I felt like in two seconds my rage would smolder me into ash.

It wasn't like this was something new. A large number of Slytherins—and even some Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws—were known for hating Muggle-borns. Sometimes people muttered things as I passed, and occasionally I would catch words such as "Mudblood" or "filth". It wasn't like I didn't know what they all thought about me.

But I still got angrier than I could control every time it happened. I still wanted to hex them into oblivion when they looked at me like I was some kind of vermin, like I didn't deserve to be at this school. I _did_ deserve to be here. I knew that, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

Anger slowly gave way to sadness, sadness to tears. I slid down the wall, snuffling slightly. Shutting my eyes, I tried to squeeze the tears in. I did not want to give Dolohov the triumph of making me cry.

I knew that I shouldn't let him get to me. I knew it was stupid. I knew crying helped nothing. I knew there was no truth in his words. People always said you should ignore it. They always said not to let it get to you, to be strong, to be the bigger person…so many words, so little meaning in any of them; because any person who had ever been picked on would know that it was impossible to ignore some things. They would know that being the bigger person is really hard when someone is shoving your face into the dirt.

My tears won out at last, and as they slid silently down my face I stood up, crossing to the other side of the room. There I sat underneath the professor's desk, leaning against the smooth wood of the underside and breathing steadily to calm my shaking gasps. I sat huddled like that for a long time, curled into a ball, until my gulps smoothed out into rhythmic breaths again. Minutes ticked by. The thought that I had entirely missed lunch flicked through my head, of no real consequence.

Nearly half an hour later, by my watch, I heard the door slide open and someone entered the room. Their footsteps were soft as the door shut quietly behind them.

"Lily?" a gentle voice called. It was Ari.

I saw her shoes come to rest in front of me, saw her knees bend slightly. Then her face came into view next to me. She was holding a package. I looked up at her, eyes red, face blotchy, cheeks tear-stained.

"Oh, Lily honey," she murmured, sliding under the desk and putting her arms around me. I had thought my tears were under control, but as soon as she pulled me close to her my sobbing began again in even more vehemence.

Ari was rocking me back and forth, murmuring soothing things in my ear. I curled up inside her arms and cried like a baby, soaking the front of her sweater. If Ari noticed this, however, she said nothing.

My weeping stopped sooner this time, but she did not remove her arms. I breathed deeply, inhaling her scent. I almost began to cry again, in gratitude to having such a friend.

"What happened, Lils?" Ari asked quietly after a few moments. In a subdued voice, I told her what Dolohov had said. As the story continued, I could feel anger rising in her. Soon I got to the last thing he had said to me.

"He _what_?!" she bellowed, making me jump. "He called you a—" Ari stood up so fast she nearly bumped her head coming out of the desk. I crawled out as well. In the half-darkened room her face was terrifying.

"He is going to _pay_ for that," Ari hissed mutinously, hands balled into fists at her side.

"Don't worry, he already has," I told her dully, explaining how I had attacked him and Potter had appeared there. There was silence when I finished, but I could tell Ari was still fuming.

"What's in the package, anyway?" I asked, gesturing to the parcel which lay forgotten on the desk. She motioned towards it, and I tore it open. Inside were a container of cold potato-leek soup and a hunk of French bread. My stomach growled appreciatively, and after heating up the soup with a simple charm I began to devour the meal.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked her curiously, taking a mouthful of soup.

"James told us." I swallowed the soup so fast it scalded my throat.

"You _talked_ to _Potter_?" I wheezed incredulously, dropping the spoon into my bowl with a plop.

"Of course we did," she responded. "We were worried about you—none of us knew where you were. And while we were asking Remus if he'd seen you, Potter happened to be listening. He said he'd seen you go into this room." This was a new piece of information to digest. I began to gnaw on the bread to distract my confusion.

"He looked worried about you, when he told us," Ari continued quietly. That was weird. Why on earth would Potter be worried about me?

I looked up to see a smirk growing on her face.

"What are you smiling about?" I demanded, soaking up the remains of my soup with the crust of bread.

"Nothing," she said in a slightly sing-song voice. "Once you finish that we can go up to the Common Room for break. Transfiguration should be just about over."

"Transfiguration!!" I shrieked, standing up so quickly I upset the bowl and it fell to the ground, shattering. "I completely forgot! Professor McGonagall must be furious with me! I bet she'll take away the points I got on that last test, and I _know_ I messed up at least three of them anyway—"

"Whoa, slow down Lils!" Ari said, after repairing the broken bowl. "I told her I had to come find you, and she very reluctantly let me off. Potter said he would explain the situation to her." I started. That was the second nice thing Potter had done for me today. What on earth was wrong with him?

"You're sure she won't be mad?" I asked nervously.

"Positive," Ari replied, rolling her eyes at me. "C'mon, let's go up to the Common Room. I want a rematch of last night's chess game." And so saying, we walked out of the classroom together, me wondering what incredible good deed I could have done to deserve such a friend as her.

**A/N: Yeah, still editing old stuff. And Scrubs still rocks. So does the book Eat Pray Love. "VAFFANCULO ALBERTINI!" **

**God, I hope no one who's reading this speaks Italian. If you do, I apologize for what I just said. It was a quote. **


	10. Secret plots! mwa ha ha

A/N: Relatively short chappie, this one. But very necessary to the plot. Hee hee hee…

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. But I think I'm doing a good job of faking it.

"SIRIUS BLACK!"

I set down the jeans I was folding with a sigh. My half-full suitcase was lying on the bed—the winter holidays started tomorrow. Even through the closed dormitory door I could hear the familiar sounds of Jen and Sirius conducting one of their shouting matches.

"Your turn," Ari said from where she was lying on her own four-poster, turning a page of her magazine with a flick. I sighed again, more dramatically this time, and she looked up now.

"I was the one who stopped the argument about Quidditch tactics last week, remember? It's your turn this time. And—" she threw a camera to me, which I caught one-handed. "—make sure you take some good pictures. I have an excellent one of Jen looking like she's about to bite his head off." And she gestured to the wall, on which, indeed, hung a picture with Jen's mouth so wide it could easily have swallowed the smirking Sirius whole.

"Fine," I said resignedly, striding out of the dormitory.

As I took the steps down two at a time, the shouts echoing up the spiral staircase grew steadily louder until, by the time I had stepped into the common room, they were almost deafening.

Jen and Sirius stood in the middle of the room, yelling their heads off, while people around them sat there unconcernedly. Some of them had looked up from their books and were watching the match with mild interest, but most were still reading or studying. Even the cowardly first-years had gotten used to this behavior by now, and many used it as a source of nightly entertainment.

"You bloody pervert!" Jen was bellowing, fists clenched. As usual, Sirius did not seem angry. In fact (again, as usual) he was watching her slowly reddening face with obvious pleasure. Sighing for the third time, although the noise was lost amongst all this shouting, I made my way forward between the chairs and tables.

As I approached the two, who did not seem to have noticed my presence at all, some of the people watching the event booed me, or called out, "Hey! It's just getting to the good part!"

I sized up the situation, snapping a picture or two as I watched. Jen was, indeed, reaching her third trimester of anger—she was moving closer and closer to Sirius, her face slowly reddening into a shade that would have looked stunning on a dozen roses. This was the time I had to pounce, before things really got out of hand.

Just as Jen began to say, "I can't _belie_—" I stepped nimbly between the two, back to Sirius.

"Jen, it's 8:30. Yelling hour is officially over." Before she could react, as was the custom, I put my arm around her shoulders and steered her away quickly. A handful of people began to clap, and Sirius gave a low and solemn bow. Just for good measure, I hexed him over my shoulder as we reached the stairs. The sound of all his joints becoming perfectly rigid was drowned by a dull chatter as people turned back to their neglected studies.

"Welcome back," Ari said, grinning, as we entered. "I'm relieved to see you're all still in one piece."

"So am I," I nodded, rolling my eyes at Jen's back which was striding furiously over to the window. Sitting once again on my bed, I smoothed the clothes that lay patiently in my trunk.

"So what was the argument about this time?" Ari asked, looking at me because Jen was still facing the window, face mutinous.

"Dunno," I replied with a shrug. "I only caught a couple of words. Something about Sirius being a 'bloody pervert'."

"Well that's original," Ari said sarcastically. "What's got into you, Jen? Lost your touch for fighting with the wanker?"

"No!" said Jen fiercely, turning around in a whirl. "He _was_ being perverted! After having humiliated Marya Banks in front of the whole sodding common room!"

"Oh, so you didn't start it?" Ari asked in surprise.

"No I didn't bleeding start it!"

"That's odd," I commented, frowning. "Are you sure you're feeling okay, Jen?"

"NO!" she shouted for the third time. "I'm pissed at that git who has the nerve to call himself human! Honestly, like Marya didn't have enough people debasing her as it is!"

There was no reply to this, for it was perfectly true. Marya was a shy, sweet girl who we had gotten to know in the previous years, mainly because our foursome were the only ones who stood up for her against the rest of the world which seemed to take no greater pleasure than in taunting and humiliating her.

"What did he say this time?" Ari asked.

"Oh, the usual," Jen stormed, looking like an ax-murderess. "First he started going on about how she had failed the Potions test, and then he went into his prewritten list of insults concerning her looks, and by the time he got around to asking her loudly across the common room whether her face had always looked like that, or if she had been run over by a hippogriff recently, she was on the verge of tears. That was when I stood up and told him to leave her the hell alone. And then one thing kind of led into another."

"That—that—" I fumed, trying to think of a word low enough to describe Sirius. "That _jackass_!" There was silence, as all of us quietly seethed in our hatred.

"I'm so glad you yelled at him, then," Ari said fervently after a few moments. I nodded vehemently, and then another thought struck me.

"Is Marya still down there?" I asked, faintly sure of the answer.

"No," Jen confirmed sadly. "She ran out of the room when I started yelling at Sirius and everyone's attention was distracted onto us. Dunno where she went."

"I'm going to go find her," I said firmly, then stood up and left, walking down the stairs again. Crossing the common room, I shot Sirius a look of pure hatred. He did not notice, but James did. I caught his eye too and glared at him, burning with anger. Not staying to see his reaction, I exited the room.

The corridor was deserted, its silence saddening me. I was sure that Marya would not have gone far. Trying every empty classroom on the floor, I was about to open the door of the last one when a noise issuing from within it caught my ear. Leaning gingerly forward, I pressed my ear against the oak door.

"—don't understand why it has to be done right now, My Lord…" The voice was female, and yet heavy, sagging with cruelty and dark anger. It sounded familiar, although I could not quite place the tone. Something in the submissive and venerating quality of the voice held me breathless with intrigue. I shoved silently closer to the door.

"Because in three days it will be too late—he will already have transformed." This voice sent a chill running through my flesh and I shuddered. It was high, with a nasal quality, and the icy indifference in it made me almost consider listening no further just to escape that voice.

"Can it not be postponed until the next moon?" the woman's voice asked. It was obvious that she was taking a very great risk in asking this question. I could almost feel her anxiousness as she awaited the reply.

"No, it cannot," the other voice responded dangerously, as if warning the woman to question no further. "It must be taken care of _now_." There was a pause, as she seemed to build up courage to continue.

"But…why _Snape_? Might he not be useful to our cause?"

At the sound of the name I knew, my gasp had already escaped into the frozen air. Luckily the cold voice had cut in threateningly at that moment and engulfed the sound.

"Severus already knows too much, and I fear his loyalties lie…elsewhere." The word, undulating in its frosty slither, sent a shiver up my spine.

"Is it really necessary, though, to—"

"It is necessary to obey me without question!" the voice said, suddenly angry. "Unless you wish to meet the same fate as your _beloved_ Serevus…"

There was silence for a moment in which I waited, not daring to breathe lest I fail to hear what came next.

"Yes, my lord," the woman said softly, cowed. "I will do what you ask of me, my lord."

"See that you do," the other replied. There was a hint of threat in its voice. "I shall speak to you again in three night's time, when all has finished."

Leaning on the wall next to the door, I quickly disillusioned myself. There was a chink of glass on wood inside the room, followed by a short pause and then quick footsteps. The door opened, and a mane of thick dark hair came into view, a hand protruding from the robe beneath it to quietly shut the door.

I was trying to breathe silently as the figure strode away, robed in shadow. There was no sound from within the room, but I dared not walk away in case the person still inside heard my footsteps.

After ten full minutes of absolute silence from the room, I crept carefully forward. Trying to make my motions as silent as liquid I raised my wand and touched the doorknob, half expecting it to curse me the moment my fingers brushed its polished surface. Breathing deeply, I counted backwards from three. When I reached zero, I flung open the door, already brandishing my wand.

It was empty.

Stepping cautiously inside, I checked behind the door. Moving silently among the rows of desks like a ghost, I peered beneath each. The room was windowless, and quite deserted.

The person with the terrifying voice had vanished.

My breathing now coming rapidly, I walked backwards out of the room. As soon as I had cleared the doorway, I turned around and tore back to Gryffindor tower.

A/N: And the plot thickens! Hee hee hee…

Anyways, I'm terribly sorry for making Sirius hate-able in this chapter. But he has to be, at first, so the girls can be justified in disliking him. He'll redeem himself soon, don't worry!


	11. The Christmas Party

**A/N: I'm finally updating! What's it been, three weeks? Well, in my defense school has started so I've been busy. But this is my longest chappie yet. Things really start happening! Duh duh duh….**

**Now I know I said the previous day was the last day before winter break, but I needed to change it so this is the **_**real**_** last day before the holidays. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I am very proud that I own this plot. And my underwear. Which, in case you were curious, has cherries on it. But I do not own Harry Potter. Nor do I own his underwear.**

December 19

"Seriously, though, Lils: how do I look?"

"Oh for Pete's sake, Ari, you look _great_. Stop fussing."

It was early evening, and I was losing my patience. Ever since five o'clock Ari had been prepping for her date with Sean. Slughorn's party was due to start in half an hour and I wanted to finish my Charms homework before I had to leave for it. The fact that Ari was asking me five times a minute how she looked was not helping in the concentration department.

I looked up to see her turn a painfully slow circle in front of the mirror, examining the wide amber skirt closely from every possible angle, watching the way its tiny mirrored beads caught the light and shone it onto the walls. Her gold pleated sandals bent gracefully with her feet as she dipped and spun. She was fingering the sunshine colored blouse with a look of agitation, muttering anxiously.

"But the yellow does sort of draw away from the skirt…maybe if I went with the white…" And still murmuring to herself, she clacked into the bathroom which I knew was littered with dozens of possible clothing combinations.

"You could always just go in a bra and panties," I called to her. "I bet Sean would like that best." I could hear her swearing at me even through the closed door. Returning to my book with a mischievous grin, I continued to study the most effective way of casting a Cheering Charm.

And Merlin, could I use a Cheering Charm. Ever since having overheard the ominous conversation a night ago, I could not go three minutes without an involuntary shiver. It was as if cold fingers were constantly tracing my spine.

When I had entered the Common Room the previous night, directly after having heard the discussion, I had feigned exhaustion in order to go to bed unquestioned. And still I had told no one, although it rarely left my mind. Jen, Izzy and Ari had noticed my detached worry but had sympathetically passed it off for being 'holiday anxiety', and thankfully left me to my thoughts. Remus had appeared to notice nothing different. He himself was quite distracted, and looked even paler than usual.

"What do you think he needs to ask me?" Ari's voice called, echoing off the spacious bathroom walls. It was the sixteenth time she had asked me that question tonight.

"Dunno," I said, turning a page of my book. Sean had approached our group during lunch, and told Ari (in an undertone that we all managed to hear—Jen practically sprawling on Izzy's lap in her eagerness to eavesdrop) that there was something important he needed to ask her on their date.

And so of course, for the rest of the day anytime Ari's mouth opened only two phrases came out: 'What do you think he needs to ask me?' and 'How do I look?' Even when Bellatrix Black slammed into her (quite obviously on purpose) so hard that her new bag split and ink poured all over her books, she hadn't even yelled at Bellatrix. This in itself was astounding—Ari in a temper made many seventh years cringe—but all she did was say frantically, "Oooh, Sean's not coming this way, is he? I'm covered in ink!"

Her voice was issuing out of the bathroom again.

"Maybe he's breaking up with me?" There was a note of badly suppressed fear in her voice.

"He's not breaking up with you."

"What if he's moving away?"

"He's not moving away."

"I bet he's been seeing someone else!" The hysteria was rising in her voice. "I knew it, I _knew_ he seemed distant! It's because he doesn't like me anymore! He's been seeing another girl!"

"He's not seeing another girl. And you never suspected him of being distant."

"I did, I _did, _I _know _he stopped liking me!"

"Stop being a drama queen."

Ari was once again back in front of the mirror, now running her hands along the seam of a loose white blouse. She was chewing her bottom lip anxiously, turning around in an attempt to see how the material fit over her shoulders.

I sighed, set down the book and stood up. Crossing over and prying her hands off the blouse, I held them while scrutinizing her outfit.

The fashion gods were pleased. The rich amber color of her skirt brought out golden hues in her dark skin, which I knew had been scrubbed, lathered and massaged—you could smell the white tea and ginger lotion she had used. Her choice of blouse had been good: it contrasted smoothly with her chocolate skin and raven hair, pulled back from her forehead with a white silk band and falling loosely to her shoulders.

"You look great," I said for the second time, grinning. "Sean is going to absolutely love it."

"It's really okay?" Ari asked me nervously, eyes filled with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. She was gripping my hands very tightly.

"It's superb," I consoled, my smile widening. "But you'd better hurry. Sean will be here any minute!" She leapt in surprise and pulled away with a kind of flustered giggle.

"Okay, just let me get my purse," she grabbed a golden handbag from the dresser. "And I have my—Lily, have you seen my wand?" For the first time she stopped moving, looking puzzled and slightly worried.

"You won't need it, will you?" I asked.

"No, I suppose not," she agreed, although she still looked a little troubled. Then the thought of her date seemed to catch up with her again. She jumped a little and rushed to the door, stopping one last time before the mirror.

"Go!" I urged with a laugh, pushing her towards the door. Once she reached it though, she turned around with a grin. There was a moment's silence before the room erupted with our squeals as I embraced her. We both jumped slightly in the energy of the night, excitement permeating the atmosphere like static.

"Get out of here! Go on your date! Have enough fun for both of us!"

"You _will_ have fun at Slughorn's, won't you?"

"Of course I will. Didn't I tell you? Standing in an room crowded with bunches of drunk teenagers and equally intoxicated teachers is exactly how I wanted to spend the eve of Christmas break!"

Her laughs echoed down the hall after her and I smiled listening to them. Tonight, I would forget Remus' unrequited crush on Ari. Tonight, I would let Sean make her happy in the way that only he could.

I descended the steps to Slughorn's office room carefully. I had a mental list of people to avoid tonight. First on the list was James Potter, followed by Sirius Black, and then the list became kind of general (#3 was 'anyone who is famous, egotistical, ridiculously intelligent, drunk, or hitting on me. That left basically two people: myself and Professor Dumbledore.)

"Evans?"

Damn. There go numbers one and two.

I turned around to see the Terrible Twos on the step below me. Sirius looked his usual cocky self. James was also doing what he did best—gaping open-mouthed at me.

I had not exactly made a point of dressing up tonight. At five to I had decided that flannel pajama bottoms and a ratty shirt were most likely not the dress code, so had hastily swept on a pair of corduroy pants and blue sweater, slipping pearl drops into my earlobes. The necklace which Petunia had given me nearly five years ago hung in the place it never left, the pendant swinging softly against my collarbones.

"Can I help you gentlemen with something?"

Sirius put a hand to his forehead and closed his eyes, intoning, "The web is cloudy…but I see a future career for you…it becomes clearer…a receptionist for the Minister." My mouth twitched involuntarily at this. He did a dead-on impression of our Divination teacher, Professor Revera.

"Sod off." I turned and climbed the steps. Although considering what was in store for me that night, I wish I had taken that moment to run all the way to my dorm and hide under the bed.

As soon as I opened the door to Slughorn's office, a tri-sensual wave hit me: laughter, warmth and the aroma of Butterbeer. Almost instantly my arm was caught in a firm grasp.

"Lily, m'dear, so glad you came," Slughorn hiccupped. "Here, let me introduce you to Rita Skeeter—she's just out of her last year here. Very promising girl, got a real career ahead of her…" Obviously immune to my protests he dragged me through a crowd, apparently navigating. The next second I found myself nearly shoved into a very fake looking woman.

By fake I am referring to the smile plastered onto her face. Her cheekbones were high and curved, constructed perfectly for it. The hair piled atop her head was curled into waxy, honeycomb colored ringlets seemingly glued on her skull.

"Lovely to meet you, dahling," she said before I'd had a chance to even consider opening my mouth. Her manner was businesslike, all smooth suavity. I could tell in an instant that Slughorn was certainly right about her—she was born for the salacious gossip of the press. "I was just saying to Slughorn, 'Who is that chaaarming young lady over there?' and here you are, even lovelier in person."

I didn't know what to say to this. "Um, you're looking charming, too."

Her already enormous smile widened, and I thought I could hear her molars cracking. "What a _sweet_ girl you are. With a body like that, you could go into modeling! Easy way to make money; you'd barely have to work or anything. It would be a smart career path for you."

I stiffened. Was she insinuating that couldn't work hard? "I'm afraid modeling isn't one of the jobs I've been considering."

"Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted," Slughorn boomed, his usually jovial voice now positively Santa-like after consuming several pints of mead. I tried to send him frantic dissents by widening my eyes and shaking my head as much as I dared without Rita seeing. How could he possibly leave me alone with this woman?

But apparently the influence of booze had lessened Slughorn's ability to read people. Seconds later, I found myself alone with Rita Skeeter. Although 'alone' is an ironic word to use here, as people were jammed into the room so tightly that I felt like I was caught in a shark feeding frenzy.

"So…what career options _have _you been pursuing?" Rita asked, turning back to me with that loathsome smile.

"Well, I've been considering the possibility of Auror work." I said it firmly, knowing the news would surprise her. Her eyebrows rose. It made me wonder why the thick pencil marks lining them weren't left behind as her brows levitated.

"_You_, dear? I don't mean to offend (it was clear she did), but you don't seem quite cut out for that kind of work."

"Of course, we've only just met though, haven't we? So you wouldn't really be aware what I am and am not capable of." I could tell she was struggling very hard to mask her obvious astonishment at my bluntness.

"Yes, of course, but you won't mind my saying that such a career really isn't..._respectable_ for a young lady such as yourself."

"Actually, I mind your saying that very much. And I'm a muggle-born. So the people who would judge me for being a female Auror probably wouldn't like me no matter what career I chose." Rita was no longer even trying to disguise her distaste for me.

"You state that fact with remarkable ease and self-assurance. Do you not know that there are people who would kill you if they knew what you were?"

"I'm sure there are," I said, looking her straight in the eye. "And I am equally sure that were I to be attacked by any such person, Auror training would be entirely more useful than modeling experience."

"You are _extremely_ cocky and ill-mannered, especially for a woman of such low stature." Her voice was hard and beginning to rise. Beneath my anger, I felt a dim satisfaction at vexing her.

"And _you_ are extremely tactless and rude for a woman of such _high _stature."

"How dare you speak to me that way?!" she cried, outraged. A very drunk-looking young man passing by stopped and stared at us for a moment.

"I am merely returning the compliment you gave _me_."

"If you think," she said very coldly, "that you are brave for being so blunt and unfeeling, you are very much mistaken. People must abhor you! And as for landing a good marriage, think again!"

"It's lucky, then, that finding a husband is not high on my list of priorities right now." In a few seconds I was going to slap her. I was _so _ready to walk away, but could not quite bring myself to admit defeat in that manner.

"I am sure you—oh!" She had been distracted by something over my shoulder. As I watched, her gaze narrowed into a rather disconcerting smile.

"Oh my, who is that _handsome _young man over there?" I turned the direction she was pointing. It was none other than James Potter, who was currently looking our way.

An evil though entered my mind. I decided at once to act on it.

"Oh, that's James Potter," I said as sweetly as possible, a sharp contrast from the yell I had been using moments before. "Here, I'll introduce you." Thus saying, I pushed my way through the crowd towards him.

Potter's expression changed fluidly as we approached. It passed subtly through surprise, stopping once at hopefulness and then finally landing at a suave, unconcerned, cool look.

"Evans," he said solemnly. I was startled out of my gear for a moment, forgetting my plan until Rita whispered, "Well, are you going to introduce me or not?"

It was all I could do to keep venom out of my smile. "Potter, this is Rita Skeeter. Rita, this is James Potter." Walking away, I leaned in close to him and whispered, "She's all yours now." Let her torture Potter. Then I strode past them.

Making my way over to the refreshments table was not easy. Somehow I got into the middle of a group of drunken, singing 7th years and was forced to belt out "To Anacreon in Heaven" twice before they would allow me to pass. (A/N: To Anacreon in Heaven is an English drinking song.)

"_And besides I'll instruct you like me, to intwine,_

_The Myrtle of Venus with Bacchus's Vine._

_The Yellow-Haired God and his nine lusty Maids,_

_From Helion's banks will incontinent flee…" _

Predictably, Sirius decided to show up at precisely this point and make catcalls.

Predictably, I flipped him off.

After my solo had finished, my intoxicated peers clapped wildly and let me pass. Rolling my eyes, I strode over to the refreshment table.

"That was beautiful, Lily," an amused voice said from my side. I turned to see Alice Kingston (A/N: that's Alice Longbottom before she gets married) standing there with a small plastic plate of crackers and cheese, her round, sweet face relaxed as always into a smile.

"Sod off," I told her, grinning.

"I'm serious," she said, although her expression gave every appearance otherwise. "You could definitely go into music as a career."

"Don't make me hex you," I growled, though unable to keep the smile off my face.

"Oi! If you hex her, you'll have to go through—oh dammit, it's Lily!" Frank Longbottom, who had just walked up, did a dramatic double-take and jumped behind Alice, poking his head out. "I didn't mean it! Take her first, Lily, I don't want to die! Forgive me!"

"My hero," Alice said sarcastically as Frank, still cowering behind her, pretended to sob.

"You know, I really can't see this relationship going anywhere if you dive behind your girlfriend whenever danger arises," I commented dryly.

"Danger?" Frank asked, jumping to his feet as if he had not just used his date as a human shield. "Don't flatter yourself, honey. You're not that intimidating."

"This from the man who shrieks for me whenever he so much as imagines a spider," Alice muttered. In response, Frank pecked her on the cheek. She swatted him away.

"So, O.W.L.'s coming up in half a year, eh Lils?" Frank asked, draping an arm around Alice's waist. "I bet you've got the library booked from here to June."

"Nah, I've decided not to study at all. Figure I know it already."

"Right. I really believe you." The lights suddenly dimmed into a beautiful purple-blue, with star-like white flashes on the walls. Simultaneously the music changed from a fast song to a slow, romantic melody called "You've Transfigured Me". (A/N: Yeah, it's lame, but c'mon! You gotta have a little fun with this.)

"Oh, Frank!" Alice breathed. "Let's dance!"

"Let's not," Frank said hastily. Ignoring the look of horror on his face, she grabbed his hand and pulled him to the dance floor where several couples were already swaying to the beat. Over his shoulder, Frank mouthed 'Help me!' I gave him a sweet smile.

Leaning against the table, I looked around the room. Most people were chattering in small throngs. A few couples snogged passionately in corners, taking on the appearance of cannibalistic tigers. My eyes traveled to the dance floor, where girls and boys were pressed tightly against each, going through motions that for some reason had earned the label 'dancing'. For all his apparent objections, Frank seemed to be enjoying himself as he and Alice swayed to the music, arms around each other.

I smiled. The two were seventh years in Gryffindor and had been going out since they were fourteen. It was obvious to everyone, even them, that they would end up together someday. Both were looking into Auror work, like I was.

Beneath the waves of music and relaxed talk, something caught my ear. It was the sound of arguing. I glanced around, trying to locate the cause for this heated discussion. After a few moments my eyes spotted it.

In a dark corner, Potter and Black appeared to be having a furious conversation over something. In fact, Potter looked absolutely outraged; Sirius defensive but angry in his turn.

I squinted, trying to make sure I was seeing right. Those two _never_ fought. It had to be something big.

I slowly edged my way towards them. No one but me seemed to have noticed their upset. Pretending to be heaving behind a potted plant stationed directly behind them (hey, it was a plausible excuse at these parties and kept my face disguised), I strained my ears to hear their argument.

"—why you told him that, I have no idea!!" That was James.

"How do you know it was me?! I said I didn't do it!"

"What, you think _Moony_ told him?! And Wormtail hasn't got the brains to come up with a plot like that!!"

"Well, how do _I_ know it wasn't _you_?!"

"Are you accusing _me_ of doing this?!"

"_You're_ accusing_ me_!!"

"That's because it's the only logical explanation!!"

"Well why are you here yelling at me?! Go save your precious Snivelly, if you care so much more about him than you do _me_, Padfoot, your best mate!!"

"I _will_!" With that, I heard quick footsteps moving away and Sirius muttering, "Bloody arse."

Scooting away from behind the plant, I looked up to see James storming out of the room at a run. In a split-second decision, I pushed my way through the crowd and sprinted after him. I didn't know what was at the bottom of this, but I was going to find out.

**A/N: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee** **hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!**

**I just loooooooove climaxes! Well, this is only one climax of the many there will be. But it's a climax, dammit!**

**Review and you will be my bestest friend. I have the forms ready and everything.**


	12. Full Moon

A/N: (Nervous laughter) Heh heh heh…no, of course it hasn't been over four months since I've updated….wherever would you get that idea?...Heh heh heh…(sidling out the door).

Have you missed me? Yes, I have not written in forever, as Kish is sure to yell at me for while smacking me over the head. She already has, in fact. Many times.

But I'm here now! And this is a good chappie, if I do say so myself. Which I do. So enjoy!

**Disclaimer: Go ahead and sue. C'mon. I dare you. **

Exiting the crowded room into the empty, silent hallway was like diving suddenly underwater. All the sounds were abruptly blurred and dimmed, muted like a radio halfway between stations. I padded softly but quickly down the stairs. Craning my head carefully around a corner, I barely caught sight of Potter's cloak whipping out of view. His footsteps were fast and set apart—it was obvious that he was running. Trying to be noiseless, I sprinted after him.

By the time I rounded the corner, I had lost sight of his form entirely. Luckily his footsteps were so loud that I had no trouble locating him. I followed the noise down three flights of stairs, twisting so continuously that even after living in Hogwarts for the past five years it was not long before I was completely mixed up.

All of a sudden, I burst through a corridor and straight into the entrance hall. Instantly I threw my body behind the doorway as Potter was in plain view running across the tiles.

I expected him to take a left, which would have led him to the dungeons. After all, he had said something about saving Snape. Where else would Snape be?

But to my shock Potter continued running straight until he reached the heavy oak doors. Thrusting them open, the darkness framed his body for an instant before his form slipped through them and out into the black.

"_Immobilus!"_ I whispered, pointing my wand at the doors. Instantly they stopped in mid-swing. Dashing forward, I rushed through them and hissed a hasty counter spell once out in the very chilly air.

As I heard the clang of the heavy metal doors, permanent darkness blinded me. Squinting as though I could actually see something that way, I turned my head slowly. This was so stupid. I was a witch; why was I bothering in this darkness?

Fumbling for a moment in the pocket of my robes, where I had only moments ago set my wand, my fingers brushed against the hard wood. The spell was half-formed in my mind when suddenly I imagined what Potter would do if he found out I had followed him. It wasn't that I was afraid of him, but I had never seen him so angry as he had been with Sirius and there was no telling what people would do in that kind of temper.

Scanning the darkness again, I began to see very faint outlines of things hardly recognizable in the night; the lake, the Whomping Willow, the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

All of a sudden, there was a flash in front of me. Nearly fifty meters away, Potter's running figure was illuminated by the full moon shining coldly on the tips of pines in the distance. He was moving so fast that for the first time I began to feel scared. Something must be dreadfully wrong for him to be in such a hurry.

Barely thinking about it, I began to chase after him, losing my footing slightly. Ruefully stepping out of my cozy clogs, I felt my stocking feet leave the freezing stone and pad across the equally hard and frozen earth.

Potter was fast, but he was no match for me. I was a born sprinter. Despite the apprehensive air of this night, as my legs lifted the ground pure satisfaction rippled through my muscles. This was my heaven. But unlike the common fable, my legs did not 'pound' the ground; in fact they hardly seemed to touch it.

As the cold wind burned through my woolen sweater, I thought longingly of my cloak, hanging uselessly on its post next to my bed. I could feel the blood rushing through my temples and the veins on my hands.

Soon, though, I no longer felt the cold. My eyes were fixed on Potter, still a safe distance away but just safe enough. Some part of my brain had given way to wolfish instinct where all my thoughts were immersed by the pursuit of my quarry. I narrowed my pace, seeming to blend into the shadows.

Potter's course was taking us closer to the lake, which was like the black inside of some dark and ancient tomb. Its waves crawled up the shadowy sand, decaying fingers reaching for our forms as we flew across the grass beyond. The silence was chilly and bitter, secrets hanging in the air like an icy humidity.

Suddenly a shriek echoed across the clearing, ghostly and inhumane. I froze where I was, heart pounding, the blood rushing upwards into my head.

All of a sudden another figure appeared out of the darkness, many yards ahead of Potter. It stood directly next to the Whomping Willow, bending and dodging from the flailing arms of the tree.

Without meaning to, I stopped mid-stride, mouth agape. With no warning the Willow had become immobile, as though frozen solid. And the figure was gone.

Suddenly, the tree branches began an even more frenzied dance than before. But the figure did not reappear.

At this, Potter began to run even faster. I started up again, now not caring whether he saw me or not. This was too much of a mystery to miss. With my renewed gusto, I quickly fell into step less than three yards behind him.

When he neared the Willow, I was about to call out. Enemy or not, I couldn't stand by and watch Potter get maimed by a tree. But then the same strange spell came over it, and this time I was near enough to see a small dark hole opening at its very base. Potter shoved his feet in and soon slid out of sight.

With a last burst of speed, I approached the base of the tree and shoved first one foot down the tunnel, then the other. Just as the branches above my head came to life again, I pushed off the cold stone and felt myself sliding down a hard earthen slope.

Something spiky and heavy as a bowling ball struck the top of my head—just as the hole was closing, the Willow had given me a last reproachful whack. As I flew down the tunnel, stones bruising my rear end repeatedly, I could feel a trickle of blood dripping steadily into my eyes from the cut given me by that damn tree.

Suddenly my feet hit solid earth and, rocked off balance, I plummeted forward. The sharp pebbles stung my hands as I threw them out to catch myself, still managing to land on my face. Once again I could hear Potter's footsteps ahead, though now they were farther away. Cursing fluently, I hoisted myself onto slightly unsteady legs and set chase again.

It was a small tunnel that I was running along: small and dense with dead air. There was no possible way to see anything. I simply followed Potter's footsteps blindly, occasionally banging into the stiff earthen walls. We had been running for what seemed like hours when abruptly his footsteps vanished.

"_Damn," _I thought furiously, _"I lost him."_ Pushing myself to my speed limit, I rounded a corner full-tilt—

And smacked into something that felt very much like a human.

Suddenly the tunnel was flooded with a sphere of light; such a bright contrast from the previous darkness that I could actually feel my pupils expanding. It hurt.

I held up an arm to shield my eyes and squinted blindly into the rays. The glow dimmed slightly, and all at once I could make out Potter's livid face. My heart sunk and began to beat rapidly in my stomach. In all my life I had never seen him look so furious, and I hated to admit it but it was almost terrifying.

_Could this situation possibly get any worse?_

Just as Potter opened his mouth ferociously, a low, deadly, hair-raising snarl rippled through the tunnel in front of us.

_Thank you for your prompt reply. _

Potter seemed stuck between yelling his head off at me and pursuing the noise—personally I was voting that he went with the latter. Looking furiously between me and the continuing tunnel, he made a sound almost as horrifying as the one that had just issued and began to sprint in the direction it had come. Scrambling to my feet, I went as well, all fatigue forgotten.

There was no point in running in total darkness, now that Potter had discovered me, so I whispered "_Lumos"_. A clear jet of light illuminated my pathway, and I could see the faint glow of Potter's wand dancing on the hallways before me as he ran along the twisty path. It grew stronger and stronger until I turned a corner and ran straight into his back. He stood stock still, wand out, staring at the ground several yards ahead of him. I looked over his shoulder to see what he was staring at—and felt fear descend on me like a bucket of icy water dropped directly into my gut.

There, less than twenty feet away from us, in a decrepit room like the inside of some ancient murder site, hunched a figure such as I had never seen. It seemed half-wolf, half-bear; skeletal yet muscular with matted iron-colored fur and huge, moonlike white eyes. Teeth glistened with saliva in the light from our wands, drool dripping down the chin and fangs bared in a growl. It sat there, shrunken and misshapen, like some vicious, distorted wolf the size of a pony. And no more than ten feet from it stood a lanky boy, frozen as we were, with greasy black hair falling across his shoulders.

Snape.

I do not know how many seconds ticked by as the three of us stood there, locked in a checkmate with the werewolf that stood hunched before us, emitting a low snarl to underlie our silence. I could not move forward without shoving into Potter, and would not have for the life of me, lest the creature decide then to strike.

"Evans," Potter said, his voice so low I could barely hear it. I started, but my eyes never left the werewolf. "Take Snape and get out of here. I'll hold him off." As much as my instincts told me to run, I could not.

"Don't be an idiot, Potter," I whispered. "You can't handle this by yourself. We have a better chance if all three of us stay and fight it."

"That wasn't a request, Evans. Go." When I didn't respond, he roared, "NOW!" The silence was shattered, and the werewolf took this as a cue to attack. Instinctively, I dived forward to pull Snape out of the way just as the creature leapt. Everything was a blur as I dragged him away and began to run, hearing him sprint behind me. Potter had vanished, and just as we rounded a corner I thought I saw a white, deer-like animal lunge at the werewolf.

Then we were running, my wand held out in front of me to throw light on the pathways we tore through. The sounds of the battle—shrieks, moans, howls, snarls, ripping and pounding—echoed through the chambers behind us, never seeming to grow fainter, always loud as steel drums in my ears. Somewhere along the way Snape tripped and sprawled on the ground; I reached back to pull him up and we were flying again.

In moments we reached the tunnel, which now sloped upwards. In a flash of genius which I thanked the stars for, Snape performed a simple sticking spell on our feet and hands so we could climb up the slide. My feet were now bleeding from countless rocks I had landed on, my socks in shreds up to the ankles.

We emerged from the tunnel, and both Snape and I sprinted out onto the grass. Suddenly, a blow on the back knocked all my wind out and threw me face down into the dirt. I turned over, heaving, to see a flurry of leaves descending upon me and rolled away just in time, as the branch whacked down on the place I had just lain.

With hardly a thought I scrambled to my feet and sprinted out of harm's way. Snape emerged seconds later and we continued to run blindly towards the lighted windows of the school. I thought I saw a shadow zip past me, accompanied by the sound of heavy, rancid breathing, but continued to run. We were nearing the school, so close that I almost thought we would make it, when abruptly I stopped dead and grabbed Snape's arm.

"What the hell are you doing?" he bellowed. "We have to run!"

Wordlessly, I pointed at the steps to the school, clear in the moonlight now that our eyes had adjusted. I heard a sharp intake of breath come from him.

There, crouched less than fifty yards away and blocking the huge oak doors, was the snarling form of the werewolf, cutting off our only escape.

**A/N: Mwa ha ha ha ha….I love cutting off at random points when the story is just getting good. **

**Review. C'mon, please? Pretty please? (puppy dog eyes)**


	13. Cool stuff happens

A/N: Wow, I'm really liking this whole wait-four-months-to-update-thing. I'm sure you've all formed "Kill the Phoenix Queen" clubs by now…sorry bout that. But it's a good long-awaited chappie!! I promise!

Oh, and 'hooves' is a really weird word. Say it a couple times. You'll get what I mean.

**Disclaimer: If I was J.K. Rowling, which I obviously am not, the whole world would hate me because it would take me about seven years to write a book at a rate of one chapter every four months. **

_Previously, on Love, Hate and the rest of this freakin' long title…_

_We were nearing the school, so close that I almost thought we would make it, when abruptly I stopped dead and grabbed Snape's arm. _

"_What the hell are you doing?" he bellowed. "We have to run!" _

_Wordlessly, I pointed at the steps to the school, clear in the moonlight now that our eyes had adjusted. I heard a sharp intake of breath come from him. _

_There, crouched less than fifty yards away and blocking the huge oak doors, was the snarling form of the werewolf, cutting off our only escape. _

Thoughts flashed like streaks of lightning across my mind. I could feel the gears in my brain working on overdrive, trying desperately to invent some escape plan for us. Beside me, the sound of Snape's breathing came thick and fast. The werewolf growled menacingly, and to my horror began to move forward.

Panicked, I searched in my pockets for a rock, a knife, anything so that I wouldn't be standing there powerless and defenseless as an open clam. My wand was clasped tightly in my hand, but what could I use it for? Werewolves were nearly impervious to most magic, and I didn't know advanced enough spells to be able to do anything useful. It was funny. When I'd first become a witch, it had seemed that all my problems were going to disappear. Wasn't that what always happened in stories? The second magic entered the equation, everything could be fixed. Turns out that magic doesn't actually fix all your problems. It just makes more, and harder ones.

As the werewolf advanced on us, I knew what had to be done. There was a chance that one of us could survive and I was going to take that chance.

"Snape, listen very closely to me," I said out of the side of my mouth. "In about thirty seconds, I am going to stupefy the werewolf and run as fast as I can into the Forbidden Forest. It will only stay knocked out for a couple seconds, but that'll at least give me a head start. The second the werewolf follows me, which it will, you are going to run inside the castle and find Dumbledore as quickly as you can. Bring him out here. Understand?"

"Evans, I can't let you do that," Snape said, although it sounded very much as if he could.

"Ready?" I asked him, digging my nails into my palm and bracing myself for the most dangerous run of my life.

"Evans," Snape said, and this time it sounded urgent, but the werewolf was less than four yards away. If I was going to do it, it was now or never.

"_Stupefy!_" I shrieked, shooting a jet of red light at the beast and sprinting off towards the trees the next second. I ran for about 100 feet when a snarl behind me told me that the creature had shaken off the spell and was ready to follow me. The edge of the forest loomed closer and closer—I just needed to reach it and then I would be safe. Or as safe as one can be when they're being pursued by a werewolf.

I could hear the beast's heavy breathing behind me, but the trees were only a few feet away. Putting on a last desperate burst of speed, I sped into the darkness of the Forbidden Forest.

At this point I veered left and, grabbing onto a low-hanging branch, scrambled up the trunk of a nearby oak. Almost frenetically I climbed higher and higher until the ground was twenty feet below. Only then did I stop, panting and grasping onto a tree limb.

The forest was deadly quiet. Terrifyingly quiet. I was almost tempted to yell, just so this terrible silence could be broken. It felt like one of those horror movies or a movie about some ghastly event like the Holocaust. In every movie like that, there was always one petrifying, breathless moment when all was silent as you waited for the blow, whatever it might be, to fall. This was one of those moments.

Not even the crickets were chirping. No owls hooted, no bats chattered, no toads croaked. I tried to breathe silently, feeling my lungs stagger at the caution I took with every breath. There was no sound of the werewolf. Where could it be? Fear encased me like a tight rubber glove, prickling my skin and turning my insides to liquid.

There was a soft padding of hooves below me. I clung tighter to the tree, fearing that it could smell me.

But wait…werewolves didn't have hooves.

I dared to peek out from my leafy hideout, peering down through the branches. The sight beneath me was so strange that I blinked hard several times, making sure it was real.

There was a creature beneath me, glowing incandescently like the moon in human form. Or horse form. Or…what was it, anyways?

It was a brilliant, creamy white deer-like creature with enormous ivory antlers like the thin, twining branches of a birch tree. There was a radiant mother-of-pearl sheen surrounding it and its form was lean and muscled. A stag, I realized in awe.

As I watched, it padded softly through the soft, dusty dirt in front of the tree. Then it stopped, as if listening. I leant farther forward, entranced by this mysterious creature.

In that exact moment, the stag lifted its palely glowing head and looked directly into my eyes.

My heart seemed to stop. The eyes were the warmest shade of hazel I had ever seen, like melted chocolate streaked with wisps of emerald. They were oddly familiar, but I could not place them.

I climbed slowly down the tree, never breaking our gaze, until I stood before the creature. We stood at eye level, staring intently at each other. I reached out my hand hesitantly to stroke its nose.

All of a sudden, the stag looked away, alert and tense. I strained my ears, trying to figure out what had disturbed it so. The silence was once again filled with the electricity of expectant fear.

Without warning the werewolf sprang out of the trees and barreled into me, pinning me down. Its teeth met the tender flesh of my shoulder and I screamed with pain as I felt the ripping of muscle like a jagged knife had severed it. The werewolf's paws were pressing down on my stomach and legs, slicing small gashes in my skin with each claw.

Suddenly the beast was lifted off of me with a great force. I could hardly move for the agony in my shoulder, but could hear the sounds of a ferocious fight being conducted around me. Summoning all my strength, I lifted my head to see what was going on. The stag had just thrown the werewolf back five feet with its antlers.

The brute got up, snarling with hatred, and fear rippled through my body. It lunged at me, but the stag jumped between us and pushed it away again. The werewolf circled, snarling. Obviously it wanted to finish me off and was looking for an opening. The stag paced with it, facing the beast, guarding me.

After a few moments of tense pacing, the werewolf stopped. It and the stag seemed to be attempting to stare each other down. There were a few breathless moments as we awaited its next move.

Then it turned and bounded away into the woods.

There was complete silence. I breathed heavily, trying to ignore the overwhelming pain in my arm. Moonlight fell lazily upon the stag and I, and I realized suddenly how cold it was.

The stag turned to me, staring deep into my eyes with those comforting green-brown orbs. I fell back shakily against the ground, and it put its head down to nudge me softly with its nose.

My wand lay limply in my hand. If only I could summon the strength to perform a basic healing charm…

In my mind, I though the incantation and slowly waved my wand across the wound in my shoulder. The bleeding stopped, although a scar did not form, and the pain lessened slightly. I could now think clearly and performed a spell to restore my strength.

After a few moments I stood. I felt strong again, although the pain in my arm still throbbed violently. The stag walked slowly forward, gazing at me with those unsettlingly familiar eyes. I reached out with my uninjured arm and stroked its nose.

"Who are you?" I whispered, half expecting an answer. It merely looked at me as if trying to convey a response with its eyes. We stood that way for several moments, wrapped in the quiet, gauzy veil of night.

Suddenly the werewolf bounded into the clearing and grabbed the stag around the neck with its teeth. I let out an involuntary scream as the stag thrashed about violently, trying to throw off its attacker, but the great beast held on ferociously, snarling. I stood rooted to the spot for several moments, frozen with fear, as the stag slowly weakened under the clamping jaws of the werewolf.

Then, with more strength than I knew I possessed, I flew at the struggling pair and barreled into the werewolf. It was rather a foolish move of me, but by some instinctual force I knew that nothing in the world mattered right now except that I did not let the stag die.

His jaws let go of the stag with a snap and we two rolled away to the ground, locked in a fierce tangle of limbs. As I landed on the ground with a force that knocked out my breath, the werewolf's face growled and snarled less than an inch away from mine. It prepared to bite me but I flung a kick into its stomach, throwing it almost ten feet away.

Getting to my knees, I panted in horror as it stood and began to bound forward. My wand felt thin and weak in my hands. It was less than two feet from me. I shut my eyes and a strange fire slashed through my mind.

There was a deafening bang and through my closed eyelids I could see a bright blue light radiating for less than a moment in the clearing. I did not open my eyes; sure it had pounced on me. I was dead. The silence was whatever came after death.

But what was that sound?

I tentatively squeezed open one eye. The clearing looked exactly the same as it had seconds before, but now the werewolf lay in a heap at the base of one the trees. There was a faint sound coming from behind me, like the sighing of wind through a forest, if wind could ever sound as desperate and labored as this.

Turning around, my heart wrenched as I saw the beautiful form of the stag lying in a painful mound in the dirt, its stomach rising and falling rapidly. I crawled quickly over to it, kneeling beside its head. The beaten creature opened its eyes a fraction of an inch and I could just see a sliver of warm hazel.

A particularly rattling breath drew my attention to its neck, where several ragged cuts showed where the werewolf had grasped it. They were deep and long, and a sense of dread filled me. Blood, reddish-silver in the moonlight, was pouring down across the creature's golden-white neck and forming pools in the dusty ground beneath it.

A dry, shuddering sob escaped my lips. Such a beautiful creature…

I turned my head again to look into its eyes, which were watching me, half-lidded. It had saved my life and now, here it was, dying. It had stood between me and danger, protected me, and because of that its life blood was steadily pouring away. I felt a tear run down my cheek. No one had ever done that for me before, had given themself to save me.

There was a sudden shift in the atmosphere. I looked up. Less than five feet away was the little boy I had thought I imagined in the common room so many months ago. His jet-black, shaggy hair was as untidy as before and the round glasses which perched upon his nose glinted like stars. I was struck again by how very much he looked like Potter, except for those stunningly emerald eyes.

The boy looked at me for a few moments. He couldn't have been more than eleven. Then, in a gesture as fluid as a breeze, he stepped forward, knelt down and placed his hands on the deep gashes in the stag's neck.

Then he looked up at me meaningfully. Hesitantly, I reached out as well and set my fingers on the deep wounds. The second my hands would have touched the boy's, he vanished.

I looked around the clearing, startled by his sudden disappearance. Who was that boy? Why had I now seen him twice?

There was a moan from the stag, but it sounded very un-stag-like. I looked down, and leapt away as if my hands had been burned, my heart racing. Where two seconds ago there had been a stag, James Potter now lay on the ground with the same deep cuts in his neck.

I crawled backwards rapidly until I hit a tree. This was now beyond weird—it was downright terrifying. What was going on? Where had the boy gone? Where had the _stag_ gone? And how did Potter get here?

Potter raised his head slightly and sat up with what seemed like extreme difficulty. He spotted the werewolf lying motionless on the ground six yards away.

"Moony?" he croaked.

_Moony?_ I thought wildly. That was what he called Remus sometimes. Why on earth was he calling a werewolf—

"No," I whispered, fear tightening around me. Potter turned at the noise, looking at me. It couldn't be. That was impossible.

There was a great commotion and a huge black dog bounded into the clearing, carrying a small gray rat on its shoulders. Before my eyes both creatures disappeared and were replaced by Black and Pettigrew, Black panting and looking wide-eyed at the werewolf.

"Moony!" he said desperately. Then he saw Potter. "Prongs, what happened? We only just got here, Dumbledore's on his way, what on earth…"

But I did not hear the rest of his sentence. As I keeled backwards in a faint, the last thing I saw was the little boy, standing beside a tree, unnoticed by the three Animagi.

**A/N: Ha, see I told you it was good. Or maybe you thought it was crap. Either way, I'm a little too tired to care right now. I updated. So kudos to me. Now I'm gonna take a shower and then rot my brains out on Scrubs. **

**Yeah. Review. **


	14. The Hospital Wing

**A/N: Ha! Ha! You didn't think I could do it, did you, but I updated within a week! In yo face! Actually I will probably be updating more frequently now because I've gotten past the whole "being-bitten-by-a-werewolf" scene which was a real point of writer's block for me. Not to mention that school is ending (PRAISE THE DAY!!!) so I will have gobs and gobs of free time on my hands. **

**The stupid spellcheck keeps telling me these words don't exist. But come on! Echoey? Stickily? Who ****doesn't ****use those?**

**Funnily enough, it also said that 'spellcheck' wasn't a word. **

**Disclaimer: insert creative way to say "I don't own Harry Potter" here **

The world was very white. Too white. It was echoey, too, like one of those afterlife fantasies in cheesy movies where the main character thinks their life is pointless and then a dead loved one comes out in a white suit and tells them why they're special. I hated those movies. Hopefully nobody in a white suit would come out and talk to me, because that would be really annoying.

I started to walk around. Maybe this was one of those movies. But why would I be in it? I didn't think my life was pointless—although depending on the situation, it could be extremely aggravating. Was this a special afterlife for people who found their lives aggravating?

But then again, I hadn't died, had I? The last thing I could remember was seeing a stag-turned-Potter talking to Black and Pettigrew who had been animals themselves moments before.

Okay, maybe I was crazy. Maybe this was the afterlife for crazy people.

What had they been talking about? They were looking at that werewolf, and calling it…Moony. They called Remus Moony. That meant that Remus was…

No. I wasn't going to think about that. I would think about…trying to figure out what this place was, and why I was here.

One thing was for sure—if this was heaven, it wasn't very comfortable. There was an odd tingly feeling going on beneath my skin, like tiny ants were crawling up and down my veins. It wasn't particularly unpleasant, but it made me uneasy.

I looked around. Was I supposed to go somewhere, or do something? What was supposed to happen? Why didn't they have instructions posted somewhere convenient?

As I continued to pace the room, trying to figure out what was going on, the ants beneath my skin steadily grew bigger. The sensation soon turned from ticklish to uncomfortable. I looked down, wondering whether I would see moving bumps beneath my skin—but could see nothing at all. Whatever this place was, I was invisible in it.

Little explosions started to take place beneath my skin, as if there were bubbles popping in my blood. I rubbed my arm, hoping to ease the pain, but as soon as my fingers touched flesh a fiery shock stung me. I cried out in agony but the voice was not my own. It was deeper and darker, edged with a growl.

The pain ripped upward in a sudden and violent gesture and I feel to my knees. My blood had turned to lava and the ants crawling relentlessly up and down were now on fire, burning my veins and scorching my skin. My brain was throbbing, pulsating between ice one moment and flame the next. The white world around me suddenly turned black and through that darkness scarlet shapes emerged. They were hunched and ghastly, skeleton wolves that circled around my body as I lay there writhing in pain. Sounds rose higher into the night—screeches and cackles, howls and baying. I closed my eyes, not caring what happened, simply willing the pain to stop.

Heat was building around me, like an enormous oven rocking with the grisly sound of the creatures that I knew were still prowling on all sides. Flames leapt into my mind, consuming my very brain. I could feel it melting and terrible pain laced through my body like a network of fire.

My lips were blistering, burning. I screamed again, writhing wildly, and the sound that emerged from my throat was halfway between a howl and a yell. My eyes flew open. The figures had gathered closer and were bearing in on me, their jaws dripping with saliva, growls rumbling from their throats.

Suddenly there was a voice very close to my ear, gentle as a cool and shady stream as the grotesque sounds still beat around me. It was immeasurably quiet, yet somehow louder than the cacophony of screams that were pounding in my ears.

"Ms. Evans," it said simply. And in that moment a wave of cool wrapped around my form, a misty blanket. The sound of a waterfall filled my ears, and I was falling, falling….

"Are you sure she'll be okay? She doesn't look too great, does she?"

"Iz, honest to Merlin I would find your concern sweet if you hadn't been obsessing about her for the last hour. Madame Bodil _told_ us—"

"—fifty times—"

"—that she'll be fine."

"I know, but she looks peaky doesn't she? I think she looks peaky. Doesn't she?"

"Izzy, at the moment I wouldn't care if she was sprouting tentacles."

"Jen!!!"

"Jenny, sugarplum, that isn't very nice. Why just imagine if those were the last words you ever said about her alive—ow!"

"_Ari!_"

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Iz, he's just being an idiot. Sirius, stop acting like a prat."

"I'm just saying—_ow!_ Ari, tell Jen to stop kicking me."

"Jen, stop kicking Sirius."

"Ariiii—"

"Merlin, what am I saying? By all means keep kicking Sirius. Maybe it will shut him up."

"Ari, she won't really die, will she?"

"Well, Izzy my dear lotus blossom, all kinds of complications can occur in hospitals; heart failures, internal bleeding, ruptured—_**ow!**_"

"Thank you, Jen."

I heard them as if in a dream, not quite sure if we were on the same plane or not. I debated whether to open my eyes. It was so difficult, and I was so comfortable in this sleepy darkness…

"Hey, I think she's trying to open her eyes."

"Lily? Lily!!! CAN YOU HEAR US?"

Ow. Izzy's voice was very near and very painful.

My eyelashes open stickily, as if they had been coated with honey. The faces of Izzy, Jen, Ari and Sirius were all pressed together in my vision.

"She's awake! She's awake!" Izzy crowed, thankfully farther from my ear this time. She pulled me into a bone-crushing hug.

"Nice to see you with the living," Jen commented with her cocky grin. "We were afraid we'd lost you for a while there."

"How do you feel, sweetie?" Ari asked, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. "Madame Bodil said you might have a fever for a while, but it doesn't seem like you do."

"Yes, darling, how do you feel?" Sirius asked, attempting to kiss me as well. I kneed him in the stomach. Well, apparently my joints still worked.

"I feel fine," I told Ari. My voice came out as a croak. "How long have I been asleep?"

"If that's what you call it," Jen said, and for the first time I saw a shadow cross her face. "As far as I can tell, you were straddling the line between life and death."

"Or the line between death and a life that would make you wish you'd died," Izzy said softly. Suddenly they were all sober, even Sirius.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, looking from one face to the next. "What happened?"

There was silence. Nobody seemed to want to be the one who responded.

"Lily…" Ari started, then bit her lip and was silent.

"What's going on?" I asked urgently, fear tightening a grip on my stomach. "Ari, what happened to me?"

"I'll leave, shall I?" Sirius said quietly, and he stood up and walked over to the bed next to mine, which was separated by a curtain. As soon as he was gone, I turned to my friends.

"Tell me," I half-begged, half-commanded. "_What happened to me_?" The three of them looked wordlessly at each other, and then Ari turned to me.

"Lily…when you were out in the forest, you were bitten by a werewolf." It all came rushing back to me then: the stag, the darkness pierced by moonlight, the feeling of powerful, wrenching jaws in my shoulder…

"I remember," I said quietly. Nobody spoke. I waited for Ari to say something, to continue, and then suddenly the full force of what she was saying hit me.

"No," I whispered. "No…" It was impossible. They—they were lying. Why were they kidding with me? Why were they trying to scare me?

"Lily." Jen spoke with a sudden fervor. "Before you start worrying, hear the rest of the story."

What rest? If I was bitten by a werewolf…there was no cure for that. What more could there be to tell me? That they couldn't be my friends anymore? That I was kicked out of Hogwarts?

"A couple minutes after you fainted, Dumbledore arrived. He actually looked scared; I've never seen him look scared before—he said that you were pretty far gone—"

"—and Merlin, did you give us a fright Lils," Jen interrupted. "You were all pale and delirious, rolling on the ground and screaming like you thought you were being attacked. For a while there we thought the bite might have made you lose your mind."

"Jen!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Well, we did."

"I know, but that's not a very nice thing to tell her."

"Anyways," interjected Ari, "Dumbledore just bent down to you and whispered, 'Ms. Evans', and then he did some complex spell."

"It was probably a healing charm," Izzy put in. "It looked like you were being covered in a cocoon of water." I remembered back to my hallucination and the feeling of being wrapped in a river, the image of falling through a waterfall.

"Dumbledore said that you might not make it, and he warned us that even if you did you wouldn't ever be the same," Ari said quietly. "Then he conjured up this stretcher thing and carried you back to the castle. That was three days ago."

"_Three days?_" I gasped. "What about all my classes? I'll have loads of work to catch up on, and I just bet that Professor Slughorn gave an exam one of the days I was gone—"

"Relax, Lils, it's the winter holidays," Jen said. "You haven't missed anything. Well, other than Sirius turning my Potions book into a toad and letting it loose in the corridors. And me putting a sticking charm on his favorite chair so he couldn't get up for twelve hours."

"But—but all your plans! Ari, you were going to go skiing with your parents and Izzy was going to visit her family and—"

"Did you honestly think we'd leave you?" Ari asked, incredulous. "After an injury like that?"

"We didn't want you to wake up all alone in this hospital."

"Yeah hun, you're stuck with us for the rest of Christmas break," Jen said with a grin.

I blinked back sudden tears, touched at the way they had given up their fun, exciting plans just to stay with me. Partly because I was aching to know, and partly to prevent myself from crying, I asked, "So what happened? I'm obviously alive, and Dumbledore said I wouldn't be the same. What's different?" The relatively light mood disappeared at once. Jen looked down at her chair and began picking at a shard of wood that was coming loose. Izzy bit her lip anxiously and Ari opened her mouth, then shut it again.

"Please, just tell me," I begged. "Just get it over with. I need to know."

"Lily…" Izzy started, then halted as if unsure how to continue.

"Dumbledore told us that if you woke up—you see, he said his spell was to prevent the…well, it's kind of like magic, but also kind of like poison…anyway, when someone gets bitten by a werewolf that's what turns them into one. Dumbledore said his spell was to prevent that poison-like stuff from reaching your brain, because once it got past that point there wouldn't be any hope of saving you. Your bite was bad, see, bad enough to kill. He wasn't sure you'd make it. You did, obviously, but the poison-stuff touched your brain."

"So… I'm a…werewolf?" I whispered, voicing the fear I had held ever since they reminded me of the bite.

"Not…quite," Ari said. I looked at her in puzzlement. She sighed. "You see, the poison only just touched your brain. It didn't have much time to spread. But it affected you enough that you will take on the shape of a wolf—not every full moon, though. There isn't a scheduled time that it happens. It just…happens." There was silence, Jen and Izzy both looking down as Ari stared sadly at my face. I blinked back, trying to comprehend this.

"So what you're saying is…I'll randomly turn into a wolf, without warning and without my being able to control it or change back." She nodded, breaking our gaze. Silence once again descended upon us.

All of a sudden, shocking even myself, I burst into laughter.

All three of them looked up, startled, as I rolled about on the bed in a fit of giggles. I saw Izzy and Jen stare at each other, nonplussed and worried.

"She's cracked," Jen said sadly. "I knew it would happen."

"Should we call Madame Bodil?" Iz asked anxiously.

"I'm…not…crazy…" I gasped, still giggling uncontrollably. "It's just…think…about it! I could…be sitting in the middle of…class, and Professor…Genghis calls on me and instead…of answering I turn into a _wolf_!" I collapsed into harder laughter, shaking with the force.

Jen started to laugh as well and Ari cracked a smile. Izzy looked torn between amusement and fear for my sanity, but after a few more minutes of helpless giggling, I had gotten them snorting and soon we were all howling with laughter. Madame Bodil even poked her head out of the office, so loud we were, but at the sight of us merely shook her head with an exasperated smile and went back in.

"You…have…the _weirdest _reactions to things!" Jen said several minutes later as we sat there recovering from our giggle fit. "We tell you you're basically a werewolf and you started laughing uncontrollably!" I wiped my eyes and grinned broadly at them all. How lucky I was, to have them as friends.

"Ah, you ladies seem to be getting along nicely." Sirius had poked his head in and was standing there smirking. "Well, now that we're all in a good mood; Lily, it's time you met the person you'll be rooming with for the rest of the week!" With a flourish he pulled back the curtain that had hidden the bed next to mine from view.

Propped up against the pillows, wrapped in the sheets and grinning cockily, sat James Potter.

Oh bloody—!!!

**A/N: Drew Wolff has a very interesting cackle. If I could imitate it, that's what I would be doing right now. **

**Fine, don't review. I don't want any. **


	15. Psychoanalyze Potter day

**A/N: Look at me, updating like a good little girl. Nothing much to say. This chapter is pretty uneventful, but I still like it. Enjoy!!**

**Disclaimer: turns around with a guilty look on her face What? No, no, this isn't a copy of Harry Potter…no, I'm not plagiarizing…where would you get that idea? This is…uh…the Little Engine That Could. My favorite book. And I'm not plagiarizing that either. Course not…**

"Lily flower, my chest hurts."

"Good."

"Won't you come over and kiss it to make it better?"

"You are such an idiot."

"C'mon. You know you want to. You can barely restrain yourself from coming over here and—"

"Strangling you?"

"Ooo, she's feisty. I like that in a woman."

"I hate you."

"Now, love, you didn't mean that. Say, your bed looks pretty uncomfortable. Why don't you come over and share mine?"

"I am going to kill you."

"That's not very nice."

"I might even get a special service to the school award for it. That'd be nice. I could hang it on my wall, right next to the plaque with your head on it."

"Wow, someone's violent."

"Just a little bit."

"That's probably not a good quality in a wolf girl."

"Sod off."

"Wolf girl and devilishly handsome boy. Hm. I wonder what our babies would look like."

"That's sick."

"Now Lily dear, that's not a very nice thing to say about your children. Hey! I could've eaten that candy! Besides, it didn't even hit me. Will our kids be blessed with extremely poor aim as well—ow! Ok, one out of two."

"Lily! Why are you throwing things?"

Ari walked in the room, already shaking her head at the two of us. A smile lingered around her lips, and I grew curious. As soon as we could speak privately, I would have to ask her what had just happened.

"Ari, tell Potter to stop bugging me," I said in an extremely whiny voice.

"You sound like a three year old," Potter commented.

"Do not." Well, I did kinda.

"Do so."

"Do not."

"Oh shut it, the pair of you," Ari said, rolling her eyes. "Potter, shouldn't you be…" she cast around for an excuse, "…asleep?"

"Uh, I didn't know I had a schedule for that kind of thing, but okay." He turned over on his side, facing away from us.

"You know, he's still going to eavesdrop on our conversation," I pointed out.

"Will not."

"Prat."

"_Anyways_," Ari interjected, pulling a chair up next to mine. "So how have you been?"

"Ari, have you met James Potter? He happens to share the bed next to mine and therefore has been talking nonstop for the past two days."

"I have not been talking non_stop_—"

"Potter, you're asleep," Ari said firmly. He shut up again. "Ok, I get it. We'll rescue you soon, don't worry. Madame Bodil said it would only be another four or five days."

"Four or five _days_?" I gasped, open-mouthed in horror. How would I bear it? Even if Potter hadn't been driving me barmy with his incessant chatter (most of it sexual innuendo), being bedridden for a week was never fun.

"Well, maybe we can get you out sooner. How do you feel?"

"Fine, right now…." It was a pretty unconvincing display, and Ari scrutinized my face.

"What about the rest of the time?"

I looked away. Only fifteen minutes ago I had taken a pain reliever, and so I was feeling fine. But the potion wore off quickly, and the time between taking it was horrible. I felt like giant claws were scratching at my stomach, trying to rip a hole in my intestine wall so they could escape. My throat was as hot as an oven and when I swallowed, the liquid seemed to evaporate the minute it got past my mouth. Sometimes my vision would collapse into a hazy red blur, and at those times my headaches were the worst—searing gasps of pain ripping through my head.

"Not so good, actually," I admitted quietly.

"You're staying here until you feel entirely better," Ari said, but her voice was sympathetic. I sighed. Then I remembered the smile she had worn on entering the hospital wing.

"Hey! I noticed you had a smile on your face when you came in. What's up?" Her cheeks turned scarlet so quickly that I knew whatever had happened had involved Sean. And from the looks of the sheepish grin sliding over her face, it was good news.

"You remember how the night before break I had a date with Sean?" she asked eagerly. I nodded. "Well, you know how he said he had something to ask me?" I nodded again. "When we were out eating—"

"Where did he take you?" I asked excitedly. Her eyes lit up.

"Oh Lily, it was incredible! It was the sweetest little Italian restaurant I've ever been to. There was a fountain in the center of the main floor with tables grouped around it and the lighting was perfect, it was warm and twinkling because of all these fireflies that were flying around, but none of them ever landed on your food or anything—I think they were enchanted—and we got to dine up on this balcony overlooking all that and there were candles on our table and the walls were gorgeous, they were made of clay with ivy streaming all around—"

"It sounds marvelous," I breathed. "But what did he have to tell you?"

"That's the best part. He brought me there and right before we ordered dessert he asked me!" She beamed.

"Not…to marry you?" I asked incredulously. They had a good relationship and everything, but that was hurrying things a little.

"No, of course not," she laughed. "He asked me if I wanted to go on a month-long vacation to the coast of Spain this summer!" I gasped, then squealed loudly and threw my arms around her. From the bed next to mine, Potter squealed as well, but we ignored him.

"_Spain?!!_ For a _month_? Ari, that's incredible! You're going to have the best time! You're going to be the happiest human being on the planet!"

"I know!" she cried exuberantly, and we collapsed into giggles.

"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed when we had controlled our laughter.

"And the best part is, I don't have to pay a cent!"

"How on earth did you manage that?"

"Sean's mum works for the Department of Foreign Relations, and she needs to go to Spain for a huge conference. The ministry is paying for the trip for his whole family, but one of Sean's sisters couldn't go, so his parents told him he could invite me. I've never met them before; this is going to be so exciting!"

"Ari," I laughed, "Only you would consider meeting your boyfriend's parents exciting. To me that sounds like torture."

"Oh, come on," she said punching my shoulder. "They'll be awesome, I'm sure."

"Yeah, they probably will be. Besides, this could eventually be a big step for you—you know what happens after you meet the parents…" I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.

"Right. Lily, we're only fifteen. We won't be getting hitched anytime soon."

"We'll see about that," I said.

"Anyway, I've got to run. Dinner started five minutes ago. Jen and Iz are already down there."

"Yeah, please kick them! I can't believe they would go to dinner early instead of coming up here to see me! I'll have to yell at them when I get out of here."

She laughed. "Oh, you'll be singing a different tune when you see what they got you for Christmas. That's the reason we haven't visited at all today—we were off in Hogsmeade looking for gifts."

"Well, maybe I can forgive them then. Now go to dinner, I don't want you starving on my account."

"See you later, sweetie," Ari said, giving me a lopsided hug due to my bedridden position. I watched her go with a smile, feeling slightly sad. How wonderful it would be to have a perfect relationship like hers with Sean. I hadn't ever had a boyfriend, and it wasn't that I particularly felt like I needed one, but sometimes when I saw him playing with her hair or Ari reading with her head in his lap I felt an ache of longing for that type of closeness.

"Just you and me again, Lilykins," Potter grinned, head propped on an elbow. I rolled my eyes and flopped onto my other side, facing away from him.

"Hey, I have an idea." Why was he still talking? I pulled the covers over my head, hoping he might get the hint.

"Don't you want to know what my idea is?"

"No," I said, my voice muffled from beneath the blankets.

"Let's actually try to have a conversation." I burst into laughter.

"That's the funniest thing you've said all day."

"C'mon, I'm being serious **(or wormtail!)**." This only made me laugh harder. I threw the covers back off my head and turned around to face him.

"Potter, do you honestly think you could carry on a normal conversation?"

"Yeah," he said, and I was rather disconcerted at the earnest expression on his face. He did look serious. It didn't become him.

But there was a part of me that was drawn to the idea of another side of Potter. He had always been so one-dimensional to me—just an annoying and occasionally funny prankster who had an irritating obsession with me. Could there honestly be more to him? **(a/n: sorry for the interruption, but after that paragraph I need to make a bunch of references to flatland. "and is there more?" "another side!" "one-dimensional: potter is in lineland!" ok, I got it out of my system. Bye!) **

"All right, Potter," I said slowly. "Let's talk."

There was silence, except for the humming of Madame Bodil as she bustled in and began to change sheets.

10 seconds of silence.

17 seconds.

30 seconds.

"This is going really well!" Potter exclaimed after a full minute of silence.

"Hey, it was your idea," I pointed out. "And besides, at least we're not arguing with each other."

"Why do we do that all the time?" he asked conversationally.

"Because you constantly ask me out and act like a jerk to people and refuse to leave me alone."

"Oh yeah."

There was silence again between us for a couple moments. I looked out the windows at the inky blue sky, laced with the last dying rays of a sun that had already sunk beneath the horizon.

"Am I really that much of a jerk?" asked Potter haltingly, and he was much quieter now. I looked over at him. It shocked and perturbed me to see the pain in his eyes.

"Well, yes frankly," I replied, feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

"Oh," he said, even softer now, looking down at his sheets. I couldn't think of what to say to this. I guess I had always thought he _knew_ he was being a jerk—moreover, that he was proud of it. Never had I imagined that he would be surprised, and hurt, when someone told him exactly what they thought of him.

He was quiet for a long time, running his fingers over the hem of his blanket. I had absolutely no idea what to say to him. 'Oh Potter, you're not that much of a jerk really'? But I couldn't lie, and that was most definitely not the truth. 'Don't worry Potter; I'm sure we've all sent girls to the bathroom in tears because we made fun of their acne.' Somehow I didn't think that would comfort him.

But he looked so absolutely miserable that, as much as I hated him, I wanted him to be cheerful again. I could deal with the buoyant, annoying, cocky Potter—all you needed was a specific finger and a couple well-chosen swear words—but this sad…_vulnerable_ Potter…I didn't know how to deal with him.

"So what about you? Are you a wolf-person as well?" I asked jokingly. Now I was starting to wish I hadn't tried to unravel Potter's personality. It was extremely unnerving. There was a twinge inside my stomach, but it couldn't be guilt…

His eyes were still solemn, though, as he looked back at me. "How much have you figured out?" he asked.

"Um…" I tried to think of a joke, desperately wanting to make the mood light-hearted again. It was so awkward when we were serious. Eventually I just decided on being honest. "I know that you, Pettigrew and Black are Animagi."

"Right," he said, and I was relieved to see that the somber look was leaving his eyes. "We're so damn clever, we figured out an extremely advanced potion at the age of fifteen."

"And yet, if you combined all your potions grades, you'd still only be at a P."

"Only because we don't apply ourselves. But back to the point. Dumbledore explained it to me that night: he said that since I was in Animagus form when I was bitten, I'll be fine."

"That's it? That's so cheap! Here I get turned into some demented wolf-girl and you get off scott-free, just 'cuz you were some bloody deer when you got bitten!"

"Stag," he corrected, sounding insulted. Oh, so that's what it was. "And that's not _entirely _true. Dumbledore said that since I was bitten, my stag form is no longer safe. If I change again, my brain will probably be taken over by wolf instinct."

"Still, that's a hell of a lot better than randomly turning into one."

"But this means I can never go into stag form again, because if I do I might not be able to get back. I'd be a danger to myself and everybody else." His voice was filled with pain and I was startled to realize how much being an Animagi must have meant to him. God, this was like psycho-analyze Potter day. **(That should be a national holiday.)**

Once again, I was feeling uncomfortable at this display of emotion from him, and nearly sighed aloud with relief when Madame Bodil bustled over, crowing, "Medicine time, and then it's to bed for both of you."

"To bed?" I asked, grinning in spite of myself. "Where do you think we've been all day?"

"And too right you should be," she said, wagging her finger but winking at the same time. "Goodness the adventures you two get into…bitten by a werewolf, I ask you…" my giggle was quickly replaced by a grimace as I swallowed the spoonful of medicine. The taste was acrid, like bitter wine mixed with nail polish remover.

"Delicious," James said, smacking his lips. "Fill her up again."

"One, I'm not a bartender, and two, this stuff can be harmful in large quantities. So no, Mr. Potter, I'm afraid that's all you get. Now both of you get some rest. I've heard you bickering out here all day and I'm sure it's tired you out. Goodnight."

"Night," I yawned. All of a sudden exhaustion had swept over me. Sleepily I set my watch for five o'clock—I had wheedled Madame Bodil into allowing me to sneak out and deliver Christmas presents early in the morning, promising her that I wouldn't get up for the rest of the day.

I sank back into the pillows, feeling as if my head weighed fifty pounds. My last image was of Madame Bodil moving around the room, dousing the lamps with her wand, before my vision blurred and I sank into a dreamless sleep.

**A/N: Aw, James is so sweet. And I rather like Madame Bodil. **

**SCHOOL IS OFFICIALLY OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Phoenix Queen **

**Ahh!!! How could I forget?? REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW AND ONCE YOU'RE DONE REVIEWING, REVIEW SOME MORE!!! **


	16. Nighttime Wanderings

**A/N: Sorry this chappie is so short and so long overdue, but I've been busy. (Lame excuse, I know. Hey, I was writing a 29 page paper! Cut me some slack!) Don't know why that was in parentheses, those were totally unnecessary…Anyways, here it is! I'm hoping to maybe get another chappie out before I leave on Saturday, but don't keep your fingers crossed. If not I will write more……….eventually! Thanks for sticking with me (if you have) over my erratic (not erotic) updating behaviors. **

**Disclaimer: J.K!!!!!!!!!!! OH IF ONLY I WERE YOU I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE BEEP AND BEEP AND BEEP DIE IN THE SEVENTH BOOK!!!!!!!!! AND ESPECIALLY NOT **_**BEEP!!!!! **_**OH IF ONLY!!!!!! IF ONLY!!!!!!!!!!**

**Yeah, if you couldn't tell, I'm not J.K. **

_Beep beep. Beep beep. _

I opened my eyes stiffly, but of their own accord they pressed firmly closed again. In the darkness I reached my hand over to my other wrist and felt around for the button to turn off my alarm. The beeps stopped abruptly and the hospital wing was silent once again, except for the feathery sound of Potter's breathing in the bed next to mine.

Once again I attempted to open my eyes. My eyelids were heavy and putting up a good fight to remain closed. I had to concentrate all my efforts to keep them half-open as I sat up, peering through my lashes into the almost pitch black darkness. Weak light was spilling under the crack beneath the door from a torch lit outside, but it barely crept two feet across the room before fading into blackness.

I pulled the heavy, warm blankets off my legs and was instantly seized in a net of cold. My feet groped beneath the bed for a few moments before I remembered that my slippers were up in the girls' dormitory. Grimacing, I set my feet on the icy stone floor and stood. I hugged my arms tight around me, shivering. My cloak was also up in the dormitory and so I had no choice but to pull the already-wrapped presents out of my bedside cabinet and walk up to Gryffindor tower, barefoot in my pajamas.

As I strode along the dimly lit corridors, it was half terrifying and half exhilarating to be out so late. Or, I supposed, so early. The castle was quiet, yet somehow warm and heavy, as if weighted down with the breath of hundreds of students and teachers still fast asleep. I felt alive and free, as if this were my world, as if it were a universe in which only I existed.

I met no one as I climbed the flights of stairs leading to Gryffindor tower. The Fat Lady was dozing in her portrait when I approached, a small snuffling snore escaping her lips.

"Excuse me," I said as loudly as I dared. I didn't want to wake anyone else up. The Fat Lady opened her eyes blearily.

"What's that?" she asked, still half asleep.

"Virtus domus," I said and the portrait swung open. The hearth already glowed brightly, casting light into the dark and empty common room. I ascended the stairs to the girls' dormitory and quietly pushed open the door.

Jen was lying fast asleep in her bed, mouth open (she was drooling slightly), curls tousled. The blankets were twisted up at her feet from rolling around and her pillow was on the ground, her hand flopping over the side of the bed as if to grab it. I set her present at the foot of her four-poster, and then turned to Ari's bed.

Ari slept much more calmly than Jen, her dark braids like shadows in the moonlight spilling through the open window. As I set the present on her bed, she murmured something in her sleep and shifted slightly. Her hand moved up to rest on the pillow beside her head, clasped tightly as if she was holding onto something. I smiled and turned to Izzy's bed.

But Izzy wasn't there.

I frowned, trying not to let anxiousness rise up inside me. Her sheets were folded neatly, and so I knew she must have gotten up deliberately.

_Don't start freaking out, _I told myself. _She probably just went to the bathroom. _But no light shone from that doorway, and no noises issued from it either.

I set the present on her pillow and went down to the Common Room. It was still most definitely empty—no Izzy in sight. Panic began to rise in my throat. I gulped hastily, willing it back down, but the thoughts racing across my mind were wild with fear. Where could she possibly have gone this early in the morning?

I climbed through the portrait hole, knowing I had to find her and simultaneously realizing the ridiculousness of my pursuit. Hogwarts was _enormous_—how on earth would I be able to find her? She could be anywhere at all, anywhere.

I began to run down the hallway with absolutely no idea where I was headed, figuring that it was probably not a good idea to call for her this early in the morning. Who knows what person might wake up—I really didn't fancy meeting Pringle at this hour. **(A/N: Pringle is the caretaker at this time.)**

I rushed down another deserted hallway, the blood pumping in my ears. I was trying desperately to ignore the panicked thoughts scurrying across my brain. What if she was lost, what if she was hurt, what if someone had lured her out of bed—

"—_you have obviously been careless, and you know what I do to those who are careless…" _

"P-Please…My Lord, it was not I, it was the P-Potter boy, he went after S-Snape…"

"_And you did not have the power to stop him? A mere 15-year-old boy, you could have caught him by surprise, it would have been easy…"_

I froze where I was, unable to move. It was the same pair of voices I had heard the night before Slughorn's party. The voices I had heard…plotting what would happen on the grounds during the Christmas party.

"M-My Lord, I am so very, very sorry…"

"_Silence. I do not need to hear your sniveling. But you will have to do better, next time. This plan cannot work again—it is too risky now—but you will try again later. When I have formed another plan to bring me what I want…" _

I raced away, charming my feet so they would make no noise. Down flights of stairs, through long hallways, running until I felt far enough away that they could not find me. Slumping down against the wall, I curled my knees up to my chest and sat thinking furiously, my heart pumping with terror at what I had just heard.

These people had been behind what happened that night. They had somehow lured Snape down to the Whomping Willow, had expected him to…I didn't know what they had wanted. But whatever it was, they were going to try again.

A snuffling sound was coming from a shadowy corner. I froze for a second time, terrified. What was it?

Then, as my heart continued to beat furiously with fear, I realized that the sounds were not from some strange beast or monster. They were human. Someone was very near, and they were crying.

"Hello?" I asked timidly, holding out my wand in front of me as I got to my feet. "Is someone there? Are you all right?"

"Lily?" a voice gasped raggedly. I squinted into the darkness, worried. Whoever it was, they sounded as if they were in pain. Then something shifted slightly in the shadows and I walked closer.

"Who's there? I can't see you."

"Lily?" the voice repeated and this time I recognized it with a gasp.

"Izzy? Where are you? Why can't I see you?"

"I'm Disillusioned. Help Lily, I can't get up." Her voice turned into a moan and I began to swing my hands through the darkness frantically. "Ouch!" I had hit something solid.

"Okay, just relax." I pointed my wand into the general direction where my hand had made contact with her and muttered the countercurse.

Izzy appeared in front of me, crumpled and hunched on the floor, blood covering her robes. She was cradling her left arm on which a long deep gash traveled the length of her forearm.

"Izzy!" I squeaked, panic flooding me again. "Izzy, what happened??"

"Nothing, I'll be fine," she said feebly. "Please Lily, help me up and bring me to our dormitory."

"Are you crazy?? You need to go to the Hospital Wing right away!" Her eyes widened in fear.

"No, Lily, please don't bring me there, I have a potion to make the cut better, I'll use it, I just need to get upstairs, it's nothing, I just need to rest, I'll be fine—"

"Izzy, you're hurt! You need to see Madame Bodil!"

"I can take care of it! Please, _please,_ just bring me upstairs! I can't tell you why, but trust me, trust me! I know what I'm doing and I can't see Madame Bodil, I just can't—" Her eyes were rolling with fear; she seemed almost mad. She was rocking back and forth on the ground. "She'll know, I know she will! She'll hurt it, she'll hurt it, oh I can't go there, she'll know right away—"

"Izzy, I can't let you just go up to the dormitory in this state! Come with me, we're going to the Hospital Wing!" I grabbed her uninjured arm and attempted to half-carry her down the hallway, but she let out a terrible scream and wrenched away, collapsing in a heap on the ground.

"NO! No, Lily, I can't! She'll know, she'll find it, she'll hurt it, I need to keep it safe, I'm the only one—and she wouldn't understand—she'd hurt it, they all would—"

"Okay, okay!" I said, terrified by her hysteria. "But I'm staying with you and if it doesn't get better in fifteen minutes I'm dragging you to the Hospital Wing!"

"Lily, thank you, thank you…" she gasped, looking relieved.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" I said and she flew into my arms, feather light. Then I sprinted up the stairs, my mind reeling and blood soaking down the front of my robes.

"Virtus Domus!" I panted to the Fat Lady when we reached her portrait.

"What on earth are you—where have you—is that _blood_?" she squeaked, but I had already set Izzy inside the Common Room and clambered up behind her. She lay moaning on the ground and I was terrified to see that her face was green and the cut seemed to be getting wider.

"Let's go, as quietly as you can!" I whispered and pulled her into my arms again. We staggered up the stairs and the door swung open before us. Dragging Izzy into the room, I attempted to bring her over to her bed but she collapsed onto the ground, moaning.

"Quick, Iz, where's that potion?" I whispered frantically—the cut was definitely larger than it had been.

"In…my bedside cabinet…third drawer…down…" she gasped, slumping down even farther. I lunged at the cabinet, yanking open the third drawer. A small bottle of bright blue liquid rolled over onto its side in the haste with which I had wrenched open the drawer and I grabbed it. Running over to Izzy, I uncorked the cap and handed her the bottle.

She took the potion and poured five drops on the arm that was now entirely covered in blood. It sizzled slightly, thick azure smoke rising from it with a calming smell of lavender. As we watched, breathless, the wound shrank until it was only two inches long and began to knit itself over.

"_Tergeo!" _I whispered, pointing my wand at her arm, and the blood vanished. I did the same to both of our robes until all that was left was a faint dark tinge which I doubted would ever come off.

"There…that's better," Izzy breathed. Her eyelids were drooping, and I realized that she looked exhausted and there were dark circles under her eyes. Tonight had not been her only late night. I felt a heave of guilt inside my stomach. So concerned had I been about my trivial problems with Potter, so self-pitying and naïve, that I had not noticed anything wrong with Izzy. And now…

"I think I'll go to bed," she said drowsily, crawling into her four poster. I tenderly covered her with the blankets, still feeling a horrible sense of shame when I saw the now-miniscule cut.

"Good night, sweetie," I whispered, kissing her forehead. Her eyes were already closed as I left the room, gently closing the door and feeling my head spin with all that had happened.

**A/N: Whoa, lots of evil stuff going on…next chapter will be more meaninglessly fun.**

**Yeah, so the first ending I wrote was total crap. I mean ****total****crap****. So I changed it and added a ton, and now it is not total crap! **

**Review! Do it now or I'll spite you! Or smite you! Come to that, smiting would probably do quite a bit more lasting damage. I guess spiting does emotional damage…but that's not half as fun. **

**Tata!**

**Phoenix Queen**


	17. Christmas Presents With Jokes

**A/N: So….tired………………………**

**Di****sc****la****im****e……..**

I was extremely soft and warm. Except my nose. My nose was very chilly and I attempted to snuggle it into the blankets, but could not do so without exposing my toes to the cool air. Pulling my knees tighter into my body, I attempted to curl into a tighter ball, but could squish myself no smaller.

Reluctantly I opened my eyes. Everything was fuzzy for a moment, like a picture that hadn't been fully developed, until my eyes cleared and Potter's figure came into view on the bed next to mine, arm on his pillow to prop his head up and gazing at me in a way that made my stomach squirm.

"Do you _have _to make me uncomfortable this early in the morning?" I asked sleepily. He let his head fall onto the pillow and curled up into a position identical to my own.

"Not particularly."

"Then don't." I was slowly sinking back into that warm white fog of sleep. My eyelids drifted closed again…

"Oh, don't go back to sleep!"

"Why not?" I mumbled, eyes still shut. Perhaps if I worked very, very hard, I could ignore him and get back to the much more pressing matter of dozing…

"It's no fun being awake without you."

"Mmmhh," I replied intelligently.

"_Pleeeease, _Lily?" His voice was as whiny as a three-year old begging for a pony.

"Go back to sleep yourself, then."

"I can't. I'm wide awake. Besides, there are presents."

"Why didn't you mention that before?" I demanded, sitting bolt upright, all drowsiness forgotten. He grinned.

"I kinda thought you'd figure it out for yourself, seeing as its Christmas morning and that's the customary thing we do for the holidays…"

"Yeah yeah shut up," I said as I lunged to the foot of my bed and seized the rather small pile of presents lying there. I proceeded to tear the wrapping off in as ferocious a manner as I could, which I couldn't help but notice was even fiercer than usual, perhaps due to my recent becoming-a-wolf-girl. Potter was doing the same, although his method was slightly less violent.

"What the hell is this?" I wondered aloud, looking down at the present from Izzy. It appeared to be a metal, jade-colored beetle with six very long, jointed arms extending in soft, cushy fingers. Two large, jeweled eyes blinked sweetly at me from what I supposed was the top of its head.

"What does it do?" I asked. As if in response to this, the beetle chirruped and scuttled off my cupped hands, climbing up my shoulder.

"What the…" Potter muttered, looking confused, but my small, relaxed "Ohhh!" cut him off. The beetle had begun to massage my shoulders with its tiny, cushiony hands.

"I should've gotten Izzy a better present," I sighed contentedly as two hands also began to rub my head relaxingly. There was a small snap and I looked around, fearing I'd broken it, but next second the last pair of hands was scurrying over my belly towards my legs, having broken off from the body. Once reaching my feet, they proceeded to give me the most luxurious foot massage I'd ever received.

"Oy vey…" I murmured, settling back into the cushions and letting the hands do their magic.

"You know, you still have more presents to open," Potter commented.

"Eh, they can wait." I was almost falling asleep again, the massages were so heavenly.

"Suit yourself," he shrugged, continuing to ransack his own gift pile. Several blissful minutes later I thanked the beetle warmly, and it reattached and curled up by my side, cooing sleepily. Gazing fondly at it for a moment, I then reached over to grab a gift wrapped in red and gold paper that was from Jen. I tore off the paper and my mouth dropped open.

"Oh my god…" I breathed, staring down at the present.

"No way!" Potter shouted, leaping over from his own bed to get a look at it.

It was a broomstick. And a nice one. _Comet Two-Sixty_, the label read. I gazed down at it, unable to believe my eyes.

"That's like, one of the best models there is!" Potter said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Who'd get that for _you_?" I glared at him. He seemed to realize his mistake at once and said hastily, "Well I mean, you don't even play Quidditch!"

This was very true. I had to wonder what Jen was playing at, buying me this clearly expensive broom. If she was hoping to use it as a bribe to join the Gryffindor team, she was wasting her time. I wasn't into competitive sports.

But then…I thought, sliding my fingers over the smooth, polished handle…I had never told any of them this, but one of my first dreams when I'd been told I was coming to Hogwarts was to learn how to fly. I'd always wanted that, ever since I was a little girl. Had Jen somehow known, or guessed?

Shaking my head to clear it of these thoughts, I pulled another parcel towards me. It was clumsily wrapped and had the words 'Merry Christmas' scribbled on it in extremely childish handwriting. I wondered perplexedly whether it could be from my seven-year-old neighbor, Isadora, before catching sight of the card. It said, 'To: Lily. From: James".

I gazed up at him in shock and embarrassment. He was busy examining a set of ruby gobstones, apparently given him by Sirius.

"Erm, Potter?" I asked, feeling extremely uncomfortable. He looked up. I raised the package. "Is this from you?"

"Yeah. Coincidentally, that's why it says 'From James'." He didn't seem embarrassed in the slightest. Now feeling his gaze on me, which did not help my mortification, I pulled off the wrapping paper warily.

Inside were two packs of cards, the word _Nertz_ embellished on both decks in shiny gold writing.

"Um…thanks," I said blankly.

"It's a card game," he replied excitedly, totally oblivious to the awkwardness of the situation. "It's really fun. I figure that since we're stuck here for a couple more days, we could play together!"

"Um…great?" I replied weakly. I had honestly not felt more embarrassed in my life. But Potter still appeared to notice nothing of this, now going back to the gobstones set.

"Uh, sorry, but I didn't get you anything," I told him. It was ridiculous to have supposed I would have, seeing as I hated his guts (and all his other internal organs, come to that), but I felt heat rising in my cheeks. This only made me annoyed with him. Who was he to be all selfless and…and…_nice_, and make me look like a jerk? _He_ was the jerk!

Still rather aggravated, I grabbed the gift from Remus. But as soon as I opened it, my anger melted away.

"Awesome!" I exclaimed, pulling out a pair of thick, velvety, midnight-blue socks.

"Um…they're socks," Potter commented, pausing in his opening of an enormous box of chocolates.

"They're from Remus," I said, looking at the card. "He knows my feet always get cold at night no matter how many blankets I'm using, so he gave me a pair of socks that warm your feet from the inside—man, they work _fast_!" I had just pulled them on and the sensation was like my feet were being filled with Butterbeer. They had also turned a bright, sunny yellow with small red knitted fireworks exploding continuously, making tiny _pop!_ noises every time they burst.

"They must change colors to match your mood," I mused happily, staring down at them and wiggling my toes.

"How does Remus know your feet get cold at night?" Potter asked suspiciously.

"Because I share his bed four nights a week," I replied.

"You WHAT??" Potter shouted, obviously missing my sarcasm and sending the box of chocolates flying onto the ground.

"Hey, don't waste perfectly good chocolate!" I scolded. "If you don't want it, I'll take it!"

"You—he—you two—" Potter blustered. He looked vaguely like my sister's fiancée, Vernon, when I had asked him last Christmas whether he would consider letting me move in with them when the two got married. Also like Potter, he had missed the joke entirely.

"Why four nights?" Potter demanded at last.

"Well, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays he sleeps in my bed. But we sleep more in his bed because it's cozier. My bed's a little roomier, I suppose, which can have its advantages—"

"_Advantages?_" Potter spluttered. "_Advantages? _Advantages for what? You don't—you haven't—"

"I'm joking, you twit," I said, rolling my eyes and turning back to the pile of presents to begin unwrapping mine from Ari. Potter, finally comprehending the joke, started muttering angrily under his breath.

"Wow," I breathed. Ari's gift was a beautiful mother-of-pearl colored cloak with bright silver embroidery and clasps. Her note, embellished in her calligraphy-like handwriting, said, _'For the next time you have an urge to dance in the moonlight.'_

I smiled at it, then set it aside with my other gifts. Looking up, I found Potter glaring at me suspiciously.

"What?" I asked exasperatedly.

"So you're definitely not sleeping with Remus?"

"No!" I snapped. Why couldn't the boy take a joke? "Remus is my friend, I don't think of him in that way _at all!_ In fact it's a little creepy." Potter seemed slightly mollified by this. He showed every sign of wanting to continue the conversation, but I turned pointedly back to unwrapping my gifts.

My parents had sent a huge tin of my favorite treacle tart, a small orange package with Aunt Ella's signature on it and several sheets of parchment covered in my mother's handwriting. Perfect. It would be all the comfort of home and loved ones without the discomfort of having to see Petunia and Vernon. Smiling, I smoothed out the letter and began to read.

_Dearest Lily, _

_We were so sorry to hear that you weren't coming home from Christmas, especially as it means that we won't be able to have an early birthday celebration for you as usual. I decided to write extra long to make up for not seeing you, although of course it isn't the same. _

_We hope you are well and enjoying the time with your friends—don't overwork yourself darling. It's the holidays! _A slight squirm of mingled guilt and rueful amusement filled my stomach at this. I had not yet found a way to tell my parents about the incident, so they thought I was staying over break to continue studying for the O.W.L.s. _Uncle Dimitri says to screw studying and have yourself a laugh. For one of the first times, I must say I quite agree with him. I worry about the amount of time you spend doing work, dear, and yes I know that I'm nagging. Just remember that we will love you even if you get—what is that silly name you use for the lowest mark?—goblin on all your tests. _

_We are all very well here. Aunt Ella, Uncle Dimitri and Aunt Fiona send their love. Your little cousins Henry, John and especially Belle ask about you at least seven times an hour. I must admit they're driving me absolutely barmy, dearly though I love them. I wish you were here to handle them; you're so good with children. _A burning feeling of homesickness struck me at this, catching at my throat and making my eyes water. I coughed to try and relieve some of the pressure in my Adam's apple from keeping my tears in. _The other day Henry and John, those little troublemakers, put cayenne pepper in Great-Aunt Mildred's pork pie. How they got their hands on it I'll never know…Anyway, I would have scolded the two rouges had I not been laughing so hard: Great-Aunt Mildred kept trying to ask Grandpa Edgar if he thought the meal tasted funny, but he had no idea what she was saying—you know how deaf he is. During the mix-up he poured honey all over her pork pie because he thought that's what she was asking for and she refused to touch the meal after that. Rather ironic, if you consider what she'd been eating only moments before. And yes, to no one's surprise, Uncle Dimitri then tried the pepper-honey-pork-pie concoction on a dare from your father (I swear, some days I think I've married a five-year-old). He was rinsing out his mouth for hours afterwards._

_Aunt Ella, wild as always, just brought back pictures from her trip to Bali, Indonesia. It looks exquisite—I'm trying to convince your father that he and I need a vacation there. She has so many lovely stories; you'll have to ask her all about them when you see her next. Then in three weeks she leaves for Morocco. I don't know how she can live like this, I'd go bonkers, but then again she never really was the settling-down type. She certainly loves her niece and nephews a lot—in your absence they flock around her as the "cool aunt". I'm more the second mother, but Belle has attached to me very strongly. She loves to help in the kitchen. Someday she'll be a baker, I'd bet anything. _

_Here's some exciting news for you: Aunt Fiona is pregnant! She's due sometime at the beginning of May and we're all absolutely overjoyed. Uncle Dimitri, John and Henry are all rooting for a boy, but Fiona's hoping for a girl and Belle is convinced that the baby's name is Susanna. At least, that's what she calls her whenever she talks to the child in Fiona's stomach. I don't know what Belle will do if the baby is a boy._

_It pains me to say it, but Grandma Cora isn't doing so well. She's been admitted to the hospital twice in the last six months. None of us know how long she has, but at least she's alert and aware—that's a huge blessing. I'm hoping you'll come home for the Easter holidays because it might happen any day and I'd like you to see her again before it does. I know that's right before exams, but it would mean a lot to all of us if you'd come home for a while. _There was another reason why she wanted me to come home for Easter. I could almost feel her dodging around it hesitantly. I wondered if she would bring it up.

_As I'm sure you remember, Petunia is also getting married over the Easter holidays. _There it was. _I know it might be hard, sweetheart, but we all really want you to be there. Belle is going to be the flower girl; she'll look so cute. The best man is one of Vernon's friends and we'll all be dressed up. _The omission of the fact that Petunia had not asked me to be Maid of Honor was gapingly obvious. I could tell my mother had started the sentence, realized that she would have to point out this fact, and finished it with a lame cover-up that only made it even more noticeable. She seemed to have realized that the topic was awkward because she left the subject at that.

_Enough about us, though. How are you? Did Jen, Izzy and Ari go home for the holidays, or did they stay to study too? Somehow I can't imagine that of Jen. Is Remus well? He seemed rather peaky when we saw him over the summer holidays. _I wondered whether it had been close to the full moon. This explained so much. _I'm sure your studies are going well as usual. Life as a prefect not too hard, is it? And how is the famous annoyance Mr. Potter? I hope he went home for the holidays so he can't bother you. _I snorted aloud at this and Potter looked up, a bit of chocolate drool sliding down from the corner of his mouth. _Write back soon. Your father and I are anxious to hear everything. We'll send a cake and presents on your birthday, and I think Aunt Fiona said she'll be sending one as well. Aunt Ella will be in Morocco, but she said she'd pick up something for you there and give it to you at Easter. In the meantime, she sent along a small Christmas present. _I turned to the small package wrapped in orange tissue paper and opened it eagerly. Inside was a beautiful bracelet made of wooden beads carved with flowers and other symbols. Setting it aside with a smile, I picked the letter back up to read my mother's last few sentences.

_We'll see you at Easter then. Write soon and as much as you can—don't spare the tiniest detail. Everyone here says 'hi' and sends their love. Your father says to take care and remember to enjoy yourself even with all the studying you're bound to be doing. _

_I love you, darling. See you soon. _

_Hugs and kisses, _

_Mum_

I set the letter aside carefully and took a piece of the homemade treacle tart from the box, once again forcing down tears of homesickness. I ached to be back there with them. This was the first Christmas I had ever spent away from my home and family, and it made me feel both depressed and slightly sick. More to take my mind off these miserable thoughts than because I actually had any interest in presents anymore, I grasped the last few off my stack and began to open them.

I received a few other gifts, small ones, but greatly appreciated: a Rune dictionary from Alice and Frank; a bright silver whistle from Hagrid, the groundskeeper, which made a woody and slightly eerie sound when I blew on it; and a gold hand mirror from Marya Banks.

Tired and still homesick, I curled up to watch the small beetle cooing slightly in its sleep, its metallic body rising and falling with every breath. Although coming to think of it, I didn't suppose that it _did_ breathe. It was a nice effect all the same; endearing. Slowly, without being aware that I was doing so, I slipped into a doze in the warmth of the hospital wing and heavy happiness of Christmas day.

**A/N: You know, having her fall asleep is an extremely convenient ending when it's late and I want to end the chapter quickly. **

**Anyways, you people had better be pretty damn grateful—I stayed up way too late and blew off my pre-calc packet to write this last chapter for you. Just kidding, it was worth it (or it will be if you review…). Now I'm gone for two weeks and you will have to cope without our dear Lily, and James, who is getting ever sweeter and sweeter. Awww. I suppose you **_**could**_** read other LJ fanfics…coughtraitorcough. **

**I have a deal to make with you. If I get eight or more reviews on this chapter, I will update within a week of when I get home. If not…well boy, who knows when I'll update? Yes, yes I am resorting to bribery. (And no, loophole spotters…you cannot send me eight one-word reviews or something. They have to be actual thought-out not space-wasting reviews.) **

**Well, ciao! See you when I get back!**

**Much love, **

**The Phoenix Queen **


	18. Yup, still in the Hospital Wing

**A/N: I'm back! And here is your chappie, as promised, within the week. I'm being brief so you can get to reading, but you should probably read the author's note at the end of this chapter cuz it actually has some relevant info. (Shocker, I know.) Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Yup, I'm J.K. Rowling. I'm the richest woman in the world (its official now!) and so instead of vacationing in the Virgin Islands for the rest of my life, I'm sitting here typing out this story on my computer. **

**If you're dumb enough to believe that, I don't see how you ever made it through law school. **

"Oi! Wake up! It's Christmas!!!"

A very heavy object slammed into my legs and I shrieked, my eyes flying open instantly. Another heavy object landed on my stomach and torso, pinning me down. Everything was a confusing blur of color for a moment, and then Jen's face came into view, inches from my own. She was lying flat on my stomach, her elbows digging into my chest very painfully.

"I can't breathe," I told her.

"Funny how you're managing to talk, then," she said with a grin. I scowled at her.

"Could you at least move your elbows? They're in an extremely uncomfortable place."

"Fine," she said with a dramatic sigh and shifted them two inches. Now they were poking at my ribs.

"That still hurts," I complained.

"Never satisfied, are you?"

"Not when a 120-pound-person is sprawled on top of me."

"I'm 120 pounds," Potter piped up. "Can I switch places with her?"

"There's no way you're 120 pounds," Jen snorted. "140 at least."

"Are you calling me fat??" squawked Potter in a mock-emotional-girl tone which he was surprisingly good at. "It's these hospital bedclothes; they don't do a thing for my figure!" In spite of myself, I laughed. Jen gave me a bewildered look. I blushed.

"But back to the topic of me switching places with Jen—can I be shirtless?"

"Potter, you are officially kicked out of the conversation," I retorted. Jen looked less confused at this, but she threw me a suspicious look which I tried to ignore.

"Who's on my legs, anyway?" I asked, trying to crane my neck around Jen to see them.

"Me," came Izzy's voice. It may have been my imagination, but she sounded a little odd, as though she was thinking of something else.

"Well you're breaking my knees," I complained.

"You are so whiny this morning!" Ari's voice exclaimed. Turning my head as much as I could to the right, I could see her legs dangling off the bed.

"At least _you're_ not sitting on me. My one true friend." I glowered at Jen, who gave me a sweet smile and shifted her weight so that it was even more uncomfortable than before.

"Oh, well if you'd like me to, I'm fine with that," Ari said and, ignoring my protests, she climbed onto my feet. I could feel Izzy's weight shifting so that she now sat on my thighs and Ari scooting over to perch upon my calves.

"Well, now that I can't move a single muscle in my body…"

"Your vocal chords, at least, seem to be perfectly intact," Jen remarked, grinning insolently.

"I'm taking back all of your presents," I muttered.

"Oh yeah!" cried Jen, beaming. "Thanks a ton for the keeping gloves, Lily, they're great! I've been wanting a new pair for ages. And speaking of Quidditch, did you get my present?"

"Yes, I did. But if you're thinking of making me join the team, you're wasting your time. And how on earth did you get the money to buy me a broom? Potter said it was a good broom, too."

Jen raised her eyebrows. "Well, we've been cooped up in this room together for the last three days," I said in a defensive whisper, so only she could hear me. "We were bound to talk at least a little. Believe me; it hasn't made me hate him any less." She still looked suspicious, so I asked again, "How could you possibly afford a broom?"

She shrugged. "My parents are filthy rich, you know that."

"But usually they don't let you borrow gold. Especially not that much."

"Usually I ask their permission, though. I've found that it's much easier on all of us if we skip that unpleasant step." Ari laughed.

"Won't they wonder where that money went?"

"Yeah," Jen said unconcernedly, "but Mum's always taking shopping sprees and so Dad will probably just assume it was her. And Mum doesn't worry about finances as long as there's enough gold to buy her an albino mink coat."

"That's disgusting," Izzy said hotly, entirely out of the blue. "They're endangered as it is. That's the problem with the world; nobody gives a crap about any creature that's even slightly different from us. No one cares what happens to them, everyone just looks the other way as they get slaughtered because we're too concerned about our own safety or wants to protect them."

There was an astonished pause. I looked around at the tiny piece of her I could see, surprised. Izzy had always had a tender heart when it came to animals (and pretty much in general), but I had never heard her be this fierce about it.

"Well, yeah, I agree with you Iz," Jen said after a moment, obviously taken aback as well. "You know my mum though," and here she gave a nasty laugh that did not sound at all like her. "She's never exactly had what you'd call a conscience."

"Lily, your present was awesome," Ari's voice said. I could tell that she was trying to steer the conversation away from dangerous waters. "It's going to be so nice, with exams coming up and all."

"No problem," I replied with a grin. "You'll have to let me 'borrow' some of it though, when I get stressed." I had compiled a relaxation kit for Ari, including scented candles, charmed bath bubbles (they would take on any size, shape and color you wanted and also softly hummed Mozart's 11th Sonata until popped), a heating pad that adjusted both its temperature and smell based on your mood, and pillows which were charmed to provide the user with deep, dreamless sleep.

My ribs creaked threateningly as Jen adjusted her position, and I grimaced. "Honestly guys, as much as I love you, having all three of you on top of me at once is a little much."

"Fine, spoilsport," Jen grumbled as she slid off of my torso into a chair right next to the bed.

"Why couldn't you have used that in the first place?" I yelped as Izzy and Ari found chairs as well.

"Not as much fun," she said, grinning. I glared at her.

"Good haul this year?" she asked, stretching, obviously unconcerned by my annoyance with her.

"Yeah, great," I replied to Ari, deciding to ignore Jen.

"What'd you get?" Ari asked. "I mean, besides our awesome presents."

"Uh…socks from Remus—"

"Socks?" Jen snorted. "You did say _Remus_, right, and not, oh, your great-aunt?"

"—a box of treacle from Mum and Dad," I pressed on, taking no notice of her, "a pretty mirror from Marya, a Rune dictionary from Alice and Frank and a flute from Hagrid." I decided, without even thinking about it, to omit the fact that Potter had gotten me a present. Jen had already thrown me enough funny glances and I knew that if she found out he'd given me a gift I would never live it down.

"Sweet," Ari said lazily. "Yeah, Mum and Dad sent me this." She tugged at the shirt she was wearing. Only now did I notice it: it was the jersey of Dicey Strongbold, chaser and only female player of the Colchester Comets.

"Cool," I replied.

"Show her what Sean got you!" Jen demanded, sitting bolt upright. Ari blushed faintly and tried to look exasperated, but she was grinning too much to pull it off.

"Why are you so obsessed with it?" she asked, but held out her arm to show me a beautiful silver bracelet in the shape of an olive branch, leaves stretching out like charms.

"But that's not all!" Jen insisted, now grasping Ari's wrist and shoving it in front of my face. "Look what it does!" I had to cross my eyes to make out what was happening, so close was the bracelet to my face, as Jen twisted one of the leaves. The silver branches changed fluidly until a message was written there in flowing handwriting: _I love you_.

"Awww!" I squealed exaggeratedly. "That is so _sweet_!"

"Shut up." Ari yanked her wrist back, even redder now but still grinning.

"Isn't that absolutely revolting?" Jen said, making a face.

"Jen!"

"Well sure, it's sweet and all, but—_yech_. Too mushy for me." I rolled my eyes at her, and then turned to look at Izzy, wondering at her absence in the conversation. She was looking down at her hands, worry etched across her brow.

"You just wait, when some guy brings you a diamond necklace you'll be singing a different tune, missy," Ari said with an infuriatingly knowing smile at Jen.

"Actually, I'll probably be too out of breath from running the opposite direction," Jen said, unfazed.

"So what are you doing today, Lily?" Ari asked me. I turned away from Izzy, still silent and deep in thought, back to the conversation.

"Let's see," I said sarcastically. "I've got to fly to Albania to regulate the dragon population, then I'll be passing a couple of new laws before lunchtime…oh yes, I'm meeting the Prime Minister for tea at two' o'clock…and in between that I'll probably just be lying here, ignoring Potter and trying not to die of boredom. You?"

"Pretty much the same," Jen said solemnly. "We're helping Hagrid put extra sweaters on the knarls, and later having Christmas dinner. And the rest of the time we'll probably just be sitting here, ignoring Potter and trying to stop you dying of boredom."

"Hey Iz, why don't we go try out your present from Lily today?" asked Ari. I had gotten Izzy a kite shaped like a phoenix that could fly in no wind at all, after hearing her enthusiastically describe a fair she had been to with her father many years ago, where there was a whole field full of people flying kites in the breeze. "It's freezing out there, but there's a good strong wind—Iz?"

Izzy was not listening to Ari, nor did she give any sign that she knew we were all watching her. She was gazing out of the window now, across the grounds to the Forbidden Forest. Her face was concerned, guilty and—I felt a lurch of panic—fearful.

"Iz?" Ari asked, sounding worried. "Izzy!" Izzy gave a start and turned back to the three of us, her face far whiter than usual.

"W-What? Sorry, my mind wandered a little bit." She was obviously trying to pull off a casual voice but the slight tremble in it sabotaged this attempt. Jen looked anxiously at Izzy, and then glanced at her watch.

"We'd better go, we told Hagrid twelve thirty, remember?"

"Oh, say hi to him for me, will you?" I asked, disappointed at the idea of not getting to see Hagrid.

"Sure, and we'll tell him that you're well. He keeps asking after you—doesn't know what happened, of course, but he's worried just the same." I smiled a little.

"Well, see you," I told them as they stood up to leave, hugging me and promising they would return as soon as they were done there. Izzy, however, gave me a rather unconscious hug, as though her mind was far from what she was doing, and left without even waving good-bye.

I sighed as the hospital wing door shut behind them.

"Am I allowed to talk again?" Potter asked, propping himself on an elbow to face me.

"If you must."

"So what's up with Izzy?" he inquired. I had misheard him.

"What?"

"I said, what's up with Izzy?"

"How did you…how could you tell?" I asked, nonplussed.

"Well there was that whole lovely rant she made—yes, I was listening to the entire conversation. And then the not-paying-attention-gazing-out-the-window bit. Plus, she didn't even say good-bye as she left." He said this all very matter-of-factly, as if he were a psychiatrist who had noted unusual behavior in a patient. My brain was struggling to keep up with this new face of Potter.

"You…_notice_ things?" I said, entirely baffled.

"Ha ha, very funny."

"No, I'm serious! You notice things? I mean, no offense but you're, well, a guy."

"None taken."

"I didn't think guys really paid attention to that stuff."

"Remus obviously does, since he knew your feet get cold at night."

"Would you stop harping on about that?! For God's sake, it was a joke! Do you know what that is??"

"Yes, thank you. Seriously though, what's wrong with Izzy?"

"Why do you care?"

"You know, you're being awfully rude today." He didn't sound offended, just politely interested. "Are you PMTing?"

"Okay, for one, it's PM**S**ing. And two, you're just proving that I have perfect justification for being mean to you by asking that!"

"How?" I stared at him. I couldn't tell if he was making fun of me or not, but decided to give him the rant anyway.

"Because you're assuming that my anger or annoyance isn't real or legitimate, it's just due to hormones! You're saying that any problems I have aren't to be recognized or dealt with; they're just the yammering of some overemotional female! You're depriving me of the right to be taken seriously when I'm angry!"

"Um, all right," he said, looking cowed. "Sorry?"

"Damn right you are," I said, but I couldn't keep a small grin from sliding onto my face. He looked relieved at the sight of it.

"So…just to be clear, you're not killing me, right?"

"Not until further notice." I was really smiling now. It amazed me that he was actually curious about things like that. Maybe he wasn't as daft as I'd always thought.

Potter was trying to get the last few chocolates out of the box he'd received by tilting it back farther and farther, mouth open. All at once they fell down, hitting him in the face.

Then again…

"So, do you want to play Nertz?" he asked, mouth full of chocolate.

"As soon as you swallow," I said, disgusted, as some of it overflowed and plopped wetly into his lap. "So in like ten minutes."

"Hillarious," he said, chocolate spray flying from his mouth. Luckily I was too far away for it to hit me.

After a several minutes of careful tutoring (Potter really sucked at explaining things), we played our first game with the brand new, shiny deck. It was amazingly fun—both exhilarating and nerve-wracking, although he beat me soundly the first three times. The fourth time, I finally got the hang of it and only lost by a hair. The fifth time…

"NERTZ!!" I yelled, punching the air. Potter gaped and looked down at my cards. "YES! YES! I BEAT YOU! I TOTALLY KICKED YOUR ASS!"

"Rematch!" he demanded, grinning at my overexcited state.

"Fine, if you want me to whoop you again!" I crowed, now rolling on my bed in laughter. That game gave you such a rush!

We began to shuffle for another match, me still gliding on the euphoria of my triumph.

"So, I noticed you didn't tell your friends that I gave you a Christmas present."

I was brought back to the Hospital Wing with an unpleasant bump and all my happiness fled instantly, like heat leaving the body when you stepped outside in winter. To give me time to think of a response, I kept shuffling, but after two full minutes I felt I couldn't delay a response any longer.

"Well, I mean," I began awkwardly, not looking at him, "they wouldn't really get it, you know? They'd probably think it meant something."

"It doesn't?" he asked coolly.

"No!" I responded, a little too fiercely. I still couldn't meet his gaze. "I mean, we're not friends or anything. We've always hated each other. This hasn't changed that."

"It hasn't?" he asked, still in that calmly hard tone. I tried to ignore the guilt and shame building in my stomach.

"No. Our relationship hasn't changed in the slightest."

"It hasn't?"

"Would you stop questioning everything I say?" I snapped, now glaring at him. "I mean the things I say. That's why I say them."

"Fine," he said, setting up his cards, but his voice was as brittle as before. "Start."

We continued to play, but I couldn't concentrate. I was angry with Potter. Of course our relationship hadn't changed. He was annoyingly insistent on aggravating me and I hated his guts. That was the natural order of things. It wasn't about to change.

Potter pretended to forget our conversation and we spent hours on end playing Nertz or—bizarre though it was—talking. I was astounded at how easy he was to talk to…and fight with. We usually spent a good portion of the day bickering, which compensated for the time we spent getting along. I tried, half-heartedly, to convince myself that I had spoken the truth and our relationship hadn't changed.

But something had shifted in the balance of my world. Other than the long, frequent visits from Jen, Ari and Izzy (and occasionally Black and Pettigrew), Potter and I spent all hours of the day alone together, and the strangest thing had begun to happen.

I began to hate Potter less.

It was gradual, hardly noticeable…but there all the same. I found that less and less was I wanting to shoot myself (or him) when we were together. In fact, sometimes I even enjoyed talking to him. He was the most perplexing being I had ever encountered. Every time I thought I had a grasp on his character, some new face would appear and throw all my conclusions out the window. All the things I had spent years being sure of about him were suddenly wrong.

Not entirely, of course. There were still many times when the git Potter came out in him. Especially when Black was around. Honestly, when the two were together it was like they'd regressed to first year—snickering when anyone said the word 'but', making fart noises with their hands…most of the time when Black visited I pretended to be asleep.

This was actually a very convenient way to eavesdrop on their gossip (they'd probably take it as an insult to their manhood if they knew I called it 'gossiping), and that was how I found out that Potter had broken up with his girlfriend over a month ago. This both surprised and impressed me. I hadn't been aware that he could go more than two weeks without dating anyone—in fact, I was pretty sure that he _hadn't_ done since his first girlfriend in third year.

This was also the way I found out that Remus had been spending all his time in lonely corners of the Common Room or on long walks across the grounds alone. He refused to talk to anyone, although Black, Pettigrew, Ari and even Jen had all tried. Izzy had been so distracted that she was nearly as unloquacious as Remus, and the three of us still had no clue as to what was bothering her, although I knew it had to be connected to her injury on Christmas morning.

Ari and Jen were trying hard to get into holiday spirit, but it was difficult for all of us as we were worrying about both Remus and Izzy, and doubly for me because I was still stuck in bed. I loved their visits, but they also made me anxious and sad, as Izzy was so distant. The mauve circles under her eyes were getting worse. I knew that Ari had loaned her the pillow which induced deep, dreamless sleep, but either it wasn't working or Izzy was still making nighttime excursions—I suspected the latter. **(A/N: I put that line in just for you, lizard.) **

I came to covet the hours I spent alone with Potter, not so much because I liked being with him but more so because, confusing though he was, he was at least not as problematic as my other friends. Thus it was that when the time came for us to leave the Hospital Wing for good, underlying my joy and excitement was a shadow of disappointment to leave his now-familiar company.

"I can't believe we're finally gonna get out of here," he called over the curtain to me as we both changed into our robes.

"I can't believe we finally get to wear normal clothes again," I replied, tossing my hospital smock onto the bed with deepest loathing. Potter laughed.

"You decent?" I asked.

"Yup." I pulled back the curtain and we stood there, facing each other. "Here," he said, handing me his deck of cards. "You can teach it to your friends."

"I will," I consented, grinning. "I need some competition, now that I can whoop your ass so easily." I turned away, heading towards the door as Madame Bodil bustled out of her office towards us.

"Hey, I beat you tons of times!"

"If by 'tons of times' you mean 'four times'."

"I beat you more than that!"

"Well, if you count the time when I was all drugged up from that pain medication…"

"You two," Madame Bodil clucked, rolling her eyes at us. "It'll be nice to have some peace and quiet around here without your constant bickering."

"Aw, you know you'll miss us," Potter said with a grin.

"Well, I can't pretend it wasn't good entertainment. Now you two behave, understand? Careful not to overexert yourselves the next couple of days; you'd be surprised how much difference a week in bed can make to your stamina."

At that moment an owl swooped through the open window in her office to land on her desk. Madame Bodil bustled away to receive it, calling over her shoulder, "Be good! I don't want to see you two for another year at least!" The door to her office swung shut, leaving Potter and me alone.

"Well, it's been fun," I said, extending a hand. "Annoying, but fun." He grinned and shook it.

"I'll second that." I found myself smiling at him; feeling like the tiniest part of me was going to miss him.

"Bye, Potter."

"See you around, Evans." And with that we exited the Hospital Wing and strode off in opposite directions.

**A/N: First off, thank you to all of you who reviewed (I did get eight of them). Well, finally Lily's out of the Hospital Wing! (That plot line was wearing a little thin…). School is starting soon (NO!!!!!!!! PLEASE GOD, NO!!!!!!!!! SPARE US!!!!) so unfortunately I will not be able to update as faithfully as I have. Ha, like I've ever updated faithfully. **

**Anywhoha, I've revised pretty much all of the chapters up to this point, so if you haven't read through them recently I'd suggest that you do that. The main reason for this was because someone said that in the beginning the characters were acting too old for their age, and frankly I agreed, so I redid all that stuff. The rest has been changed at least minimally in the last month or so. Oh, and I added a bunch to the chapter where Izzy gets hurt. So read that. **

**Also, as those of you who have Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will realize, the seventh book basically dismantles my plot. Or at least, it gives a bunch of explanations I didn't use and puts in tons of stuff I didn't (like her friendship with Snape). So instead of going back and changing everything, I'm just gonna keep going with the plot I have and screw the books (as lovely as they are). I'll try to keep it as canon as possible, but this is just my version so please don't review whining about how some little fact doesn't work with the books, ok? I'll only scorn you. **

**Well thanks for reading. REVIEW!!! (Maybe I should make more bargains, it sure got you to update quickly…seriously, I got all eight in one day.) **

**The Phoenix Queen **


	19. Uncertainty

**A/N: Once again, I won't write much here, but I'll write some stuff at the end. Have fun! **

**Disclaimer: Sorry. My brain is fried already from three days of school. You'll have to make up your own creative disclaimer. **

I spotted Ari, Jen and Izzy through a window on the fourth floor. They were merely three dots in a far corner of the snowy grounds, trudging through the snow banks. Grinning, I began to run up to Gryffindor tower to fetch a cloak, but almost immediately fell back against a wall, woozy. Madame Bodil had been right about the difference in stamina. After regaining my sense of balance, I started up the stairs again at a much slower pace.

The Common Room was empty and I wondered vaguely where Potter, Black and Pettigrew were. No doubt in the kitchens, stealing food.

I had taken no more than two steps into the room when something caught my eye. It was not empty, as I had thought. Someone was sitting in a chair by the fireplace. Hesitating for a moment, I walked slowly over to see who it was.

It was the boy, the same boy I had seen in the Common Room months ago and then again the night of the attack. My stomach clenched, whether with fear or excitement I didn't know, and my breath shortened. I walked over to sit in a chair near his, checking to make sure there was no apparition sitting in it as well. But somehow I knew that I would not see another: that this boy was the one who mattered to me.

The boy was staring at something to his right, about the place where someone's eyes might be if they were standing. His face—his whole body— was translucent, almost like a ghost, but I knew he wasn't because there were faint traces of color in his dark, messy hair, his clothes, brightest in his green eyes that were, I knew, mine.

As I looked at him, my heart filled with a sudden, terrible ache and to my utmost astonishment I felt my eyes filling with tears. I could not explain why, but the sight of him, this boy who could be no more than eleven, made me feel both an intense, intrinsic affection and an agonizing yearning. There was something so distantly familiar and beloved about him, like a childhood friend long forgotten.

And yet…

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the thought that had settled there, but it would not budge. It was ridiculous, impossible, but…somehow I knew that he was not from my past, but from my future. Or someone else's. He was like a memory in reverse, not a prophecy but a…presage, a shadow of the future.

It struck me how much he resembled Potter. His face was built just like Potter's and I might even have confused them if he had been a couple years older. But there was something softer in his features, a different dynamic of his personality which radiated throughout his face. I watched his expression, which was full of sympathy, and then suddenly he moved.

I nearly gasped in alarm—he had not done more than blink the other two times I had seen him—but he wasn't turning to me, or showing any sign that he knew I was there. He had reached into his pocket and pulled something out. I could not see the object, but I could tell he had something about the size of a cricket ball by the way his hand was folded, cradling the invisible item.

He extended his arm into midair; giving the mysterious object to someone I could not see. They took it, I supposed, because he put his hand back in his lap, fingers relaxed again.

I searched the air around him, wondering why I could see only this boy when obviously he was—or at least believed he was—with other people. A strange thought occurred to me, sounding as if it had walked straight into my head from a science fiction novel. Perhaps my consciousness was visiting another plane, but I was only part of the way in and so the boy was the only one who appeared to me…or perhaps _he_ was visiting another plane, and I was seeing the faint outlines of his cognizance…or perhaps (I shivered slightly as the hairs on the back of my neck prickled) our planes were colliding and only I was aware of it…

"… _chose you for Gryffindor, didn't it?..." _

My eyes snapped back to the boy as my heart leapt painfully. He was speaking, his mouth was moving, the words coming out as if I were underwater listening and he above the surface…

"…_stinking Slytherin."_ He stopped talking, still staring at that place in midair. I gaped at him, excitement and deepest longing burning inside me. Somehow these words were more precious to me than I could fathom.

The boy reached out his hand again with a little smile, but this time he appeared to be receiving something: when he had lowered his arms again, his fingers were nearly touching. He was holding something a shade thicker than a piece of paper.

"_Dumbledore again,"_ he said, looking at it, and I did a double take at the mention of a name I knew. _"He was the first one I ever—"_

As the boy gasped and his eyes flew wide, color suddenly flooded his body and clothes, startling me. He looked solider, more real—I had the feeling that if I reached out I could have tapped his shoulder.

"_I've found him!" _he said and though he seemed to be whispering now his voice was louder than before, like he was really in the room with me. _"I've found Flamel! I _told_ you I'd read the name somewhere before, I read it on the train coming here—listen to this: Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945…"_

As the boy continued to speak, I felt tears sliding down my face and trembling on my lower lip. I was filled with the most inexplicable feelings…affection, longing, grief and deep, pure love. He glowed brighter and brighter in his excitement, even when he stopped speaking and appeared to watch, or listen to, another person in his world. The longer I sat there watching, the more I felt that I knew this child, that he was dearer to me even than air, and that all I wanted to do was hug him and protect him from the cruelties of life.

"_A stone that makes gold and stops you from dying!" _he said eagerly. He was staring at a point somewhere above the floor, at the eye level of a person sitting down. I could not stop watching his every movement and expression, drinking them in, feeling them flow through my body and settle in a pool of memory.

I knelt down on the floor beside his chair, watching up at his face with deep adoration, praying that he would stay there forever just so I could watch him speak and think and react. As he laughed at something, my heart swelled, but instantly I was flooded with panic as his image flickered. It refocused immediately. I breathed out in relief. Then it wavered again. This time he stayed muted, and after a few moments his image began to fade slightly, sputtering every few moments like a television station in static.

"No!" I cried, reaching forward for his arm, but my fingers went right through it. Losing him was so desperately terrible that I could not even imagine it. He couldn't be going, couldn't be disappearing before my very eyes…

In a few seconds he was as thin and transparent as vapor, and tears began to pour down my face in earnest. Then, with one last jarring shudder, his image disappeared entirely.

I stared at the place he had been, loss sweeping up like an enormous wave in my soul, rising higher and higher until it threatened to drown me and crashing down in a single moment, shattering, leaving me sobbing on the floor. I had lost him, he was gone…

All reason had scattered from my brain, leaving only raw, unsettled emotion. I lay on the floor, weeping, the tears sliding over the bridge of my nose and dropping silently onto the ground.

I couldn't explain it, knew not why I was so devastated by the loss of him, but all I could think about was the world, this world, and he had disappeared from it…the idea that he was gone…it was too much to bear, that the world continued and he was no longer in it.

After several minutes, a few rational thoughts poked their heads timidly into my brain. Startled by the depth and violence of the feelings pulsing inside, they nonetheless piped up, adding their tinny voices to the rocking ship that was my conscious:

_Why are we so upset over an image of a little boy? We're being silly, crying like this. Potter, Black and Pettigrew could come up here at any moment. What would they think if they saw you like this? What would they _say_? Let's go outside and meet our friends, forget about that boy…_

Forget about him? Anger swelled up inside me. How could I forget? For a few moments, I had felt the deepest and most inexplicable love for him. That wasn't something I could forget about.

But there was sense in something those rational thoughts had brought up—Potter, Black and Pettigrew were bound to turn up at any moment. Remembering the last time they (especially Black) had come upon me in an expressive moment, I sat up quickly and hastily rubbed my eyes. Then I stood, more slowly, and gazed at the seat the boy had been sitting in.

I couldn't bear the thought of leaving it, knowing that I might someday forget what chair he had sat in. I took out my wand and gouged a small mark into the side of the cushion. Then, looking back at it only once, I fetched my cloak, hat, scarf, boots and mittens from the dormitory and clambered out through the portrait hole, closing it behind me.

I descended several flights of stairs and reached the oak front doors. As soon as I opened them, a bitter wind stung my cheeks. Wrapping my scarf around my nose and mouth as well, I shoved my hat farther down around my ears and stepped forward. My legs sunk about a foot and a half into the snow.

I squinted, trying to see through the thick wind to where Jen, Ari and Izzy were. They had walked to the edge of the Forbidden Forest by now and were huddled amongst the trees where the ground was only dusted with snow. I began to trudge forward towards them.

It was desperately cold, and as their faces grew slowly closer the wind picked up even more, so that I was thrown onto my bottom more than once. It had to be fifteen minutes before I reached them.

"Hot, isn't it?" shouted Jen. Her voice was muffled beneath the roaring of the wind. I heaved my legs through the last of the enormous snowdrifts and nearly collapsed onto the hard, frozen ground.

"Whoa, careful," Ari called, grabbing my arm to prevent me falling. Even though she was standing right beside me, I could barely hear her over the gale. "Come on, we're going to go a little farther in so it'll be quieter."

As we walked through the trees I was forcibly reminded of the last time I had come in here, less than two weeks before. I shuddered and drew my cloak closer around me, trying to expel those memories into the wind so they could be carried off to weigh down someone else's mind.

"This is probably far enough," Ari said, stopping in a small clearing. She could now speak at a normal pitch. "Effing cold, though, isn't it?"

"Here, this'll help a little," I said, plopping down and pulling a jar out of my pocket. "Thought we'd probably need it." I quickly charmed the jar to make it fire proof and then conjured a small amount of blue-white flames inside it.

"More," said Izzy, shivering. "Lots more." I grinned at her and produced a more generous quantity of fire. The heat radiating from it was tangible. All four of us sighed in comfort.

"So, you're out of the hell hole then Lils?" Jen smirked. I stretched, rolling my mittened hands over the freezing earth and realizing just how nice it was to sit on cold, hard ground.

"It's so nice to be able to walk around and _do _things," I agreed. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight—I am not ready to get into bed again."

"Yeah, now we have a full week to do whatever we want!" Ari crowed, beaming at me. "Just us! And, I suppose, Pettigrew and Black and Potter, but I wasn't counting prats. Think about that, Lils! We have the school virtually to ourselves!"

"Wish we had the grounds, too," Jen grumbled, glaring out at the swirling white expanse we could see through gaps in the trees.

"Maybe it'll lighten up a bit," Izzy said hopefully. I looked around, surprised and pleased at her optimism. She was sounding like herself again. Perhaps it was just the light, but now that I saw her up close the circles under her eyes seemed fainter, too, and she looked as if she'd had a night or two of good rest.

I reached over to take her hand and squeezed it. She glanced up, and the look in her eyes told me that everything was not well, but that it in time, maybe, it would get better. I supposed that was all I could really hope for.

I turned back to Ari, frowning slightly, my mittened hand still clasped in Izzy's. "You said Pettigrew, Black and Potter…what about Remus?" Her face fell.

"Well, he still doesn't talk to anyone, does he? None of us have seen more than a glimpse of him in days."

"What does he do?" I asked, picturing Remus sitting alone in a cold corner of the Common Room. I tried to push the image out of my head—it made me feel like crying again.

"Just walks, mostly," Izzy said quietly. I turned to her. She was looking down at her lap. "He's out every single day for hours, just walking all over the grounds. We don't even see him at mealtimes, he always goes right before it ends, bolts something down, and then leaves."

"He didn't visit Potter and me in the Hospital Wing," I whispered, trying not to let on how hurt I was. Jen glanced up briefly, a slight suspicion creasing her brow, but said nothing. "I mean," I continued, voicing for the first time the guilty thoughts I had harbored, "I know he must have felt awful, and he had a lot on his mind…. but I kind of expected him to at least check and make sure we were okay."

"Dumbledore told him you guys were all right," Ari said softly.

"I…I know," I murmured, shame creeping up the walls of my stomach like ivy, "but…all the same…"

"He's been really worried about you two," Ari said in an even softer voice. "He never asked, but…every time we'd come out of the Hospital Wing, he'd examine our faces anxiously. You could tell he was trying to read our expressions, to see if those would give him any news."

I said nothing more, the guilt still gnawing at my insides. It wasn't fair to Remus to be hurt by his absence—he had probably suffered more than both of us—but I couldn't quench the slight feeling of abandonment.

We sat in silence for a while, Izzy and I still holding hands, Jen fiddling with the zipper of her jacket, Ari looking off into the trees.

"So, guess what we've been doing?" Jen asked after a couple of minutes. "Listening to story upon story of Black's past pranks." I laughed; relieved by this reversion to a lighter subject.

"Oh, and then he decided to give re-enactments of them," Izzy piped up, giggling. It was so nice to hear her laugh again that I physically felt my spirits lift.

"Yeah, but we didn't know that at the time." Jen rolled her eyes. "We found out when a suit of armor pulled Izzy into an extensive and very intense tango through the halls." We were all laughing at this point.

"It took us hours to catch up with her and pry her loose," Ari said, chuckling.

"He was a good dancer!" Izzy laughed.

"Then we got the remake of when Black set Dungbombs to go off every time Charlie Kane sat down."

"Potter told me about that one!" I laughed, without thinking. There was a short pause as Ari and Izzy looked confused, and Jen gave me an even more suspicious look. I could feel my cheeks go slightly pink.

"Yeah, Pettigrew helped with that one," Ari continued after a couple awkward seconds, a hint of puzzlement still in her voice. "But he's not that great at magic, so one of the Dungbombs—instead of going off when Jen sat down—burst into flame. That's why there's a great big burn mark on the floor next to one of the Common Room sofas."

"Nice," I chuckled, wishing Jen would stop looking at me like that.

"And we flew my kite, Lily!" Izzy said eagerly. Jen looked away at last. I could tell that she and Ari were just as surprised and happy at Izzy's renewed energy as I was. "It was _wonderful_, Lils, it's the best present ever! Except your guys', of course," she amended hastily, looking at the other two. "They were so great."

"What did they get you?" I asked her.

"Well, Ari got me this beautiful necklace," Izzy beamed, pulling on a chain around her neck so the silver charm dangled from her fingertips. It was a Caladrius, a bird with powers to heal the dying.

"It's beautiful."

"And Jen got me a new chess set. It's so _cool_, it's made out of marble and the pieces move themselves, Lily!"

"That's what happens in wizard chess," I laughed. "You've seen it before, Iz."

"I know, but I never had one for myself!"

"I figured she ought to have her own, so she can practice and someday maybe she'll beat the Queen of Chess," Jen said.

"You're not _that_ good," said Ari, rolling her eyes. "I've beaten you at least twice."

"Twice!" scoffed Jen. "Then I'm obviously the queen, if you can only beat me twice."

"You and your big head…"

"Hey! Speaking of games," I interjected excitedly, "I got this game for Christmas and I have to teach it to you guys, it's so awesome!" I rummaged in my pocket and dug out the two packs of cards. "We can play in teams, me and Iz versus you two."

"Who'd you get it from?" Ari asked, examining the deck with interest.

"Potter," I replied before my thoughts had time to catch up with me. Too late, they shouted a warning, but Jen's head had snapped up already to gaze at me with disbelief. Ari and Izzy looked stunned and rather bewildered.

"_Potter?_" Jen repeated, eyes wide with incredulity. I felt my stomach churn with dread. "_Potter_ gave you a Christmas present?? And, moreover, you _accepted_ it??"

"Well, what was I going to do, refuse to take the gift?" I asked, embarrassed and stung.

"Lily, what is _up_ with you?" Jen demanded. "The way you talk, it sounds like you and Potter became friends! I mean, you've always hated him! Did that change or something while we weren't looking??"

"No! I mean, well, it's just—complicated—"

"What are you talking about?" she asked heatedly. "Every time we went up to the Hospital Wing, all you did was complain about him! You weren't acting any different at all!"

"She's right, you know," Ari put in much more quietly. "You never seemed to warm to Potter even a little bit; you two were always fighting."

"Well, yeah, we fought," I blustered, "but I mean, we spent some time getting along, too. We talked a lot," and now I could hear a distinct pleading note in my voice, "and honestly, he's not as bad as we always thought, I think he's changed—"

"Changed?" Jen asked with a derisive laugh that had no amusement at all. "Since when? The Tuesday before Christmas break when he told Irma Midgen—so that everyone could hear him, of course—about this new line of acne potions that would be just perfect for her? You haven't forgotten all the horrible stuff he's done to people, right? Or have you decided that it's not all that bad really, that maybe we're the ones who are out of line, sticking up for people who are humiliated by him??"

"Jen," Ari said, both trying to calm her and apparently shocked by how angry she was.

"I know he's acted like a prat in the, well, pretty recent past, but you just have to get to know him! He's actually really funny, and the mean stuff he says isn't as bad as we always made it out to be and, c'mon! Everyone has faults! It's not like it's that big of a deal, right?"

"Lily, can you _hear_ yourself?" Jen asked, horrified. "_'It's not that big a deal'_? I thought you stuck up for people he bullied; I thought you really cared about them! I thought that was one of the main things you stood for, something that defined you!"

"It was—it is!" I said, but I felt like I was drowning in a sea of Jen's words, and the exact same thoughts that I had tried to push down.

"Doesn't seem like it anymore, does it?" she asked savagely. "All your life you stuck up for other people, you were the kind one; for God's sake you were basically the one who taught _me_ to be kind! But that was all a joke, huh? The second Potter pretends to be a decent guy you jump onto his team??"

"Jen—"

"I mean for Christ's sake, I thought you were smarter than that! How could you let him fool you?! You've abandoned the person you were, and she was a damn sight nicer than who you are now! Who are you now, Lily?! I feel like I don't even _know_ you anymore!"

"I'm me!" I faltered on the words. Was I really me? Had I changed? Of course I'd changed, I knew that, but—had I changed irreparably?

"I just don't get it, Lily, I just don't get why you're _falling_ for him!"

There was silence.

She hadn't shouted, but I felt like she'd slapped me.

"_Falling _for him??" I gaped, stunned. "_Falling _for him?? I'm not _falling _for him, all I said was he might not be as bad as we always thought—"

"Sounds the same to me," Jen growled.

"It's—it's not!" I said desperately. I couldn't think of an argument. My mind was frozen. Me, falling for James Potter?? The idea was just _stupid_!

No one said anything. My mind was still reeling from what Jen had accused me of. I didn't look at her, but I could tell she was glaring at the trees. Izzy looked shocked, her eyes wide. I could feel Ari's gaze on me, but I didn't look at her either. I stared at the ground, feeling shame and defiance and confusion and doubt tumbling around inside my stomach.

"Let's go back to the castle," Jen snapped finally, standing up and walking away without another word. The three of us got up more slowly, and I felt rather than saw a communication pass between Ari and Izzy, resulting in Iz running to catch up with Jen while Ari hung back with me.

We trudged out of the forest in silence. Jen and Izzy were already a third of the way to the castle by the time we emerged, and the slightly shorter dot (Jen) was plowing through the snow banks with a kind of manic ferocity while Izzy struggled to keep up.

I was thankful for the roaring wind, as it prevented Ari from trying to talk about what had happened, and somehow the dense noise numbed my thoughts. My insides were still roiling with feelings, however, and I couldn't figure out whether the pain inflicted by these or by the icy wind was worse.

She was being ridiculous. Ridiculous. I hadn't fallen for James Potter, the idea was absolutely absurd. Jen was always a drama queen. She had overreacted.

But her words had taken root in my brain: '_You've abandoned the person you were, and she was a damn sight nicer than who you are now!'_ I felt like that sentence was eating me from the inside.

_I haven't changed! _I thought desperately. _I'm myself, I've always been myself…_but Jen's words were echoing in my head like a torturous refrain…_ 'a damn sight nicer than who you are now'… 'a damn sight nicer than who you are now'… 'a damn sight nicer…'_

When we finally reached the front doors I was weary both in mind and body. I felt like crying.

"Oi! Lily!"

The doors swung shut as two figures sped up from what I knew was the entrance to the Slytherin Common Room.

"Lily, we just pulled the best prank ever on the Slyther—"

"Why are you talking to me, Potter??" I screamed at him, all my confusion and anger and shame spewing out of me. "Didn't I ask you to leave me alone??"

"No," he said, looking absolutely bewildered.

"Well I am now!" I screeched and began to storm off. There was a gap, in which I knew Potter was struggling to figure out what had happened, then I heard his running footsteps and a second later he caught up with me.

"Lily, what on earth is going on??"

"I am _sick_ of you, Potter! Why would you think I'd forgiven you for being an ass to all those people??"

"I wouldn't—I—Lily, I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Of course you don't!" I knew I was being savage, irrational, but I couldn't stop the words from flowing out. "You wouldn't, would you?? Because this is all easy for you, isn't it Potter?! You just go along, thinking you can be a jerk whenever you want and then start acting all kind and vulnerable and everyone will forgive you! But that's not the way it works, okay?! Things can't be mended that easily! Relationships aren't that simple! _Life _isn't that simple!!!" My voice cracked, and the tears were a word away from bursting out. I plunged away from him up the corridor. This time he caught up in seconds and grabbed my arm.

"Lily, just tell me—"

"IT'S _EVANS_, POTTER!" I bellowed and the tears finally came pouring out of my eyes. I wrenched out of his grip, and, without looking back, ran down the hallway away from him.

**A/N: Oh the drama, the drama!!! Sorry, I have to laugh at myself—I really love the way I wrote this chapter but it's incredibly melodramatic. Anyways, I just thought I'd say that I know people are getting rather impatient with dear old Lily (we all want her to end up with James) but I'm trying my best to accurately portray how I think she'd react in this situation. And honestly, she'd be scared. Dead scared. Confused, too, and then there's the whole "What do my friends think?" going on. So although it might be frustrating that she can't figure out she's friends with James now, I'm trying to be true to life and I think this is how she'd act. **

**School has officially begun, despite all my best efforts to stall it. (That's how come we're missing half the music wing—apparently random explosions aren't serious enough to cancel school.) So, judging by the amount of homework I have (FOR PETE'S SAKE, IT'S THE FIRST EFFING WEEKEND!) I will not be able to update as much anymore. Tear. **

**Yeah, sorry that it's taken me so long to update this chapter. I've actually had all this written for a while, but I was trying to finish another part so I could make it all one chappie. Then I realized that as it is, this part is eleven pages and if I added any more it would probably be a little extreme. So hopefully I will have the rest finished soon. **

**Well, that's it. If you review, I might be inspired to write quicker….hint hint. **

**Phoenix Queen**


	20. Breaking a Fever

**A/N: Holy crap, this is a long chapter. Its fifteen effing pages! Oh, and effing is my new favorite word. So yeah, sorry about the delay but school started. Sucks for me, huh? And probably you too…**

**Anyways I didn't edit this one too carefully so there are probably tons of mistakes. Meh. It's late and I'm tired and I wrote this chapter well and, as mentioned, it is effing long. So enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: Asleep. **

…_**Victor heard this and ran to his window. He could see his uncles slugging each other with such force that they had to be in love. Strangers would never want to hurt each other that badly. **_

_**-**__**The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven**__**, Sherman Alexie**_

That evening was a less-than-warm welcome back for Potter and me. After dinner, a mostly silent and entirely unenjoyable affair, we traipsed back to the Common Room in small groups of the people we were still talking to. Needless to say, the boys kept their distance. Remus sat far away from us at dinner, hurried up to Gryffindor tower before the rest of us, and, when we arrived up there, was sitting in a far corner with his nose in a book.

Jen was still angry at me, but my own mind was teeming with so many thoughts that I hardly noticed. I was faintly aware of Ari and Izzy hovering awkwardly on the edge of our silence and part of me heard the forced conversation they tried to engage us in. Most of me, however, was devoted to trying to relieve some of the pain I felt.

Could Jen be right? Had I abandoned who I was when I slowly, grudgingly, allowed Potter to become…not my friend, that was an overstatement…but a friendly acquaintance? The thought was ridiculous, it_ was_…wasn't it?

But then again, hadn't I defended him against himself? I had tried to make excuses for the way he treated people, had tried to pass it off as something everyone did…and even if that was true, it didn't make his actions any better. That wasn't something you were supposed to do for a friend. Friendship meant that you always looked out for someone and said what you thought was best for them, even if it was a hard truth to overcome. I hadn't done that for him: I had covered for him, I had made excuses…that wasn't fair to either of us…I had never wanted to be that person.

That was the one thing I was sure of, but as I realized it, it was a more devastating blow than all the confusion and half-truths. I had become who I had never wanted to be.

All my life honesty had been so important to me—I had believed that lies and deception were at the root of every problem, but now I had become one of those people spouting half-truths and covering their tracks. How could I have abandoned myself so?

Phrases from our conversation in the woods came hurling back at me like fragmented glass…_ '—have you decided it's not that bad really—??'…'—for Christ's sake, I thought you were smarter than that!!"…'Who are you now, Lily? I feel like I don't even _know_ you anymore!'_ …_ 'It's not like it's that big of a deal, right?'_

At the memory of my own words, shame burned ferociously in my stomach and suddenly I couldn't stand being in my own body, couldn't stand being Lily Evans anymore. I felt unclean, as if my soul itself were dirty. Things had sometimes been crappy in my life, but I had always had myself, had always been able to rely on my morals and values…now I felt as if I had crossed a deep river and my true self was on the other side, unreachable, staring at me with disgust.

Yet I hadn't felt any of this until Jen had said it! The thoughts had crossed my mind, but I'd always dismissed them as foolish, so sure I hadn't changed…and I'd acted the same as ever, hadn't I? How could I be sure that this wasn't just natural progression; that I wasn't growing, finding myself instead of losing? The image in my mind changed—suddenly I was staring over the river at a crowd of Lily Evans', none of them entirely me and yet all of them me, and I was trying to figure out who was the real one and who were imposters, but they kept changing forms so I didn't even know which face was the real face of any of them, and even if I somehow chose I couldn't reach them anyway because I was stuck on the other side of the river—

"Lily??"

My mind snapped back to my surroundings, but it took my eyes a few moments to focus. When they did, I could see Ari and Izzy staring anxiously at me while Jen glared pointedly at the wall from Izzy's left.

"Wha—what?"

"Are you all right?" Ari asked worriedly.

"I—why?"

"Your face, you looked like you were in pain. Are you okay?"

"I—I'm fine." More lies. But somehow all those thoughts, all that pain, were stuck in my chest and I couldn't free them. "I'm going to bed."

"Night," Izzy and Ari called. Jen's response was stony silence. I traipsed up the steps to the girls' dormitory and opened the door. It was warm, dark and quiet and the weight on my mind seemed to lessen slightly from the sheer peace of it.

I walked to the window and leaned against it, my breath fogging the glass. Outside, it was already a soft black and the darkness was comforting. I wished my mind could mirror that stillness, instead of swirling with the acid storm of my thoughts.

Closing my eyes, I pressed my cheek against the glass, bitter cold and soothing. I tried to concentrate only on my breathing to relieve some of the activity in my brain, but Jen's face kept popping up and repeating the words she had thrown at me in the woods.

Knowing that I would not be able to simply wipe the thoughts out of my head, I crossed to my bedside cabinet and opened the drawer. There lay my mother's letter from Christmas.

I slid to a sitting position on the floor, leaning against the bed, and began to read by the sliver of moon shining through the window. As I read her words my heart ached with homesickness. Tears caressed my face, silver in the moonlight, shining like opals. Over and over again I read her words: _I love you, darling. I love you, darling. I love you, darling…_

But somehow these words left me feeling even emptier than before. A sob tore at my throat. I lay down on my stomach on the floor, cheek rubbing against the soft carpet, the letter still clutched in my hand.

When, what felt like hours later, I heard Izzy's voice distantly bidding goodnight to the other two, I got up and curled under the sheets on my bed. The creak of a door announced her entrance.

"Lily?" she called softly. I made my breathing more slow and deliberate, not wanting to talk. I had a feeling that she knew I wasn't really asleep, but she didn't speak again and I heard her quietly put pajamas on. The rustle of sheets told me that she had slipped into bed.

Turning onto my back, I gazed at the canopy above my head. My thoughts ran frantically about in my mind. I tried to ignore them. I felt confused and miserable and more than anything I just wanted to sleep, to put my brain to rest for a while, to escape to the solace of unconsciousness.

I heard Ari come up. She, too, called my name, but after receiving no answer crawled into bed as well. The silence now felt like a heavy weight pressing on my chest. If only I could sleep…

I was running through a maze, the heavy breathing of a creature I dared not look at behind me—a werewolf, I knew. It was snarling and calling out in Jen's voice, _"You can't run from me, I know what you're thinking," _and I was praying desperately that it didn't know what I was thinking because I was trying to come up with a plan…all of a sudden I came out in a clearing where there were broomsticks hovering in a circle. I ran forward to try and mount one but every time I neared them they would zoom away. The werewolf was steadily gaining so I began to run again, down a path that had odd symbols carved into the walls, but I couldn't stop to read them…

All of a sudden I heard a voice calling me. In the darkness I could barely make out the form of a small child, a girl, half-hidden behind a rock.

"Here, hide here," she said. I dashed towards her, diving behind the boulder.

"The werewolf will smell us!" I cried desperately. I could hear it growing closer.

"No it won't," said the little girl. "You're hidden now, just like me." The creature was running straight towards the boulder. I cowered, terrified. But then the sound of its paws faded. It was running away.

"You need to leave," the little girl said, standing up and coming out from behind the boulder. "I'll show you the way." She began to run down the path. I followed, sprinting to keep up—she moved eerily fast. I rounded a corner and suddenly the girl was no longer herself—she was the small boy I had seen in the Common Room. I sped up to follow him, panting desperately now. As we zoomed around another corner the boy grew abruptly taller.

I turned left and smashed into him suddenly, the two of us falling to the ground. Lying there, I saw blood on his arm. I looked down in horror and saw that my hands were claws.

"I'm sorry!" I cried, scrambling to my knees. The boy was Potter. He looked up at me, glassy-eyed. His chest was still. He had stopped breathing.

"No!" I screamed. Suddenly the werewolf bounded into sight. It lunged at me—

My eyes flew open and I sat bolt upright, gasping and shaking. The silence all around me was punctured by the ragged sound of my breathing, sharp and frantic as if I had really just been pursued by a werewolf. My heart was hammering painfully.

As my breathing slowly calmed I realized just how thick the darkness was. Pulling the curtains of my four-poster aside, I looked into the shadowy room. Moonlight was spiraling onto the foot of Izzy's bed and I could just see the form of her body, face towards the wall. My watch lay on my bedside table. I grabbed it. 1:30 a.m.

I couldn't sleep. My mind was restless, agitated. I knew that if I laid back down all the thoughts would only come rushing back with more intensity. Slowly I slipped from my bed and crossed the room, barefoot. Carefully, so as not to wake any of them, I pushed the door open and slipped through, shutting it behind me.

Gryffindor tower was slightly spooky this early in the morning. I creaked down the stairs, wishing I had a bathrobe. The common room glowed faintly from the dying fire—I could see its shadows reflected on the walls of the spiral staircase. An owl hooted somewhere outside.

I entered the common room and stood there for a moment, watching the fire. For some reason I was reminded of the night Potter and I had had patrol duty, such a very long time ago. Had it been last year?

No, I realized with a jolt. It had been less than three months ago. The past weeks had felt more like years and suddenly, though I knew I still couldn't sleep, I felt a tiredness that reached all the way into my bones, right into my skeleton, aching like a dry undertow.

All of a sudden something moved in a shadowy chair of the common room. I leapt in fright. It was Jen.

I looked at her, surprised, still trying to slow my heartbeat from the momentary terror. I had just assumed that she was in bed like the others. What was she doing up so late?

Jen was not looking at me, but staring deep into the receding fire as if reading something in the flames, as if trying to piece together a puzzle in her mind. Tentatively, I took a step forward. She made no reaction. I crossed the room slowly and sat in a chair beside hers. Still, she appeared not to even notice that I was there.

I looked at the embers too. There was something so comforting and yet desolate about them, the way their heat waned as they slowly grew cold and died. My mind wandered back to the patrol night again. _Evans…I-I'm sorry that I told Pad—Sirius about what you were doing…_

I hadn't really thought about his apology after it happened. Somehow I just hadn't taken it seriously—it had seemed so out of character that I didn't lend it any credibility. But now I wondered if it had been a hint of his true nature coming out. Had he always been this deep and…oddly kind, and I had just never noticed it because I'd seen what I assumed I'd see?

My dream suddenly filled my mind with startling clarity, the sight of my clawed hands and the horrible image of Potter lying there bleeding—

"I wasn't really mad at you."

Jen's voice jumped into my thoughts. I looked around at her, startled. She was still staring at the fire with no sign that she had moved or spoken. I wondered if I had imagined it.

"Well, I mean, I was, but it wasn't because of you. Not entirely."

She was speaking. I watched her, still surprised at the abruptness of this confession.

"Lily, I freaked out because I thought we were losing you to him. I thought I was losing you to him. You've always been really good at being kind to people and stuff. And I haven't been the best at that all the time…I dunno, I guess I kind of considered you like our lifeline or something. You were the one who would make sure that we didn't turn out like them."

She was silent then. I waited for a moment, touched, but needing to explain this to her.

"Jen," I said quietly, "I know you didn't want to hear this before, but I really think Potter might be different from how we always thought." She didn't say anything, still staring at the fire. I didn't know whether this was a good sign or not. I pressed on. "I'm not saying that he's faultless. He can be horrible to people, he really can. But I also think that maybe he doesn't have to be that way, that he could change…maybe he doesn't even want to be that way. I think, fundamentally, he might be a pretty good guy."

"He's not," she said quietly, finality in her voice.

"Jen," I appealed, trying to be gentle, "how do you—"

"Do you know how I first met Potter?"

"Um, no," I said, caught off guard by the change of subject.

"Like I've told you, Black's family and ours used to have all these get-togethers. We still do, only luckily I don't have to go to them anymore. I always really hated those gatherings. I hate our families, too, come to that."

"Jen," I interjected, uncomfortable and a little shocked.

"I do," she said fiercely. "You know my family Lily, or at least you've heard about them. You know how horrible they are. Do you know what my mother said when I told her I wasn't coming home for Christmas? _Good, because we were short one table setting and this way there won't be a problem. _Not _Oh, that's horrible honey, we'll really miss you! _or _That's too bad, we were really looking forward to seeing you, _or even _Have fun with your friends over break!_ No, it was 'Good, we won't have to make another table setting, and piss on the fact that our only bloody daughter isn't coming home for Christmas.'"

"Jen…I'm so sorry," I whispered, feeling awful.

"It's not like I care," she snapped. "Because I don't. As far as I'm concerned they can go to hell, the whole lot of them, and I'll dance on their graves when they're dead."

I was silent, slightly sickened but knowing full well not to say anything. Jen glared at the fire for a while. The faint shadows cast by it made her livid face look almost demonic, and a shiver passed through me. Then, with the same abruptness as before, she continued her story.

"We used to go to those gatherings about every two months. There was no one there my age except for Black. The two of us used to get along, when we were really little, but after a while we decided we liked pranking each other better than being nice to each other. That was fun too, except that soon the pranks started getting meaner and meaner until it was an all-out-war.

"When we were about eight Black brought this kid named Potter along to one of the family gatherings. They knew each other somehow. That was at the point where I still kind of thought Black and I were friends, even though we played tricks on one another. But right off I knew that I didn't like Potter. I was trying (half-heartedly) to be nice to him, but he kept making fun of me. So eventually I just wandered off to play by myself.

"I've never really been into stuffed animals, but I had this teddy bear I'd gotten on my third birthday. It was basically my best friend since I never got to play with the neighborhood kids. Anyway, I was playing with it in my 'fort', which was just a clearing enclosed by bushes and trees, when Potter and Black stumbled into the little clearing. Potter asked if that was my teddy bear, and I said yes. He told me that I was a baby because I still played with stuffed animals. Then, before I could do anything, he grabbed the bear and ran away with it.

"I jumped up and ran after him, yelling for him to give it back. He ran all the way into the house, up into my bedroom and stuck his head out the window, above the backyard where our families were sitting around.

'Hey everybody,' he yelled, and of course they all looked up at him. 'Jennipoo still plays with a teddy bear!' All my relatives laughed. My Cousin Kenton called, 'Do you still wear diapers too, Jennikins?' They all started laughing and shouting stuff out, but the thing I really remember is my Grandma's face…she was disgusted. She looked at my mother and asked, 'What kind of child have you raised, Adolfa? The girl must be seven years old now!' And my mother…she said, 'Jenica has never been like the rest of us.'"

Jen stopped, a hard expression on her face. "I mean, it's not like I care what they think or anything," she said viciously. But my heart wrenched as I saw tears glistening in her eyes. I realized with a stab of grief that even after all these years, Jen still longed for some form of approval from her cold, hostile family. I felt my own eyes grow wet. I wanted to hug her, but knew that she would reject it.

"I was up in the room while they all laughed, wanting to cry but knowing that would make their teasing more relentless. Then I looked at Potter and he was standing there, grinning at me and I hated him, hated him so much that I wanted to hurt him. I lunged forward to grab the bear but Potter dropped it out the window. My uncle Gaspen sent a reductor curse and blasted it into tiny pieces in the air."

Her voice was hollow now with bitterness and hate. I felt sick.

"When I saw what had happened I attacked Potter, just jumped on him and began punching any piece of him I could get my hands on. I could hear all the people down below laughing even harder, but I didn't care. I just wanted to hurt Potter as badly as I could. My mother got up there and pulled me off him, still screaming and kicking. She sent me to the basement for the rest of the day. I didn't care, I was happier to be down there than anywhere near him. After a while I got sick of kicking things and pretending they were Potter's head, and I just sat there and cried. For hours."

"And no one came down for you?" I asked softly.

Jen laughed harshly. Her eyes glinted like steel, like shards of glacial fire. She didn't even need to say anything.

I didn't know what to do. What could I say? What could anyone say? This was the reality of Jen's life; this was how she had grown up. A picture of the eight-year-old Jen formed in my mind, angry and hurt and neglected, watching her mother say, _'Jenica has never been like the rest of us.'_ Cold seeped through my body at those words.

"So there you go, Lily," Jen said icily. "Still think Potter is a good person? Look what he was like at eight!"

I bit my lip, unsure how to respond. "Jen…what he did was awful. It really was. I can understand that you wouldn't be able to forget it easily, if ever. But…it was a long time ago, and he was only eight. He could have change—"

"I don't believe this." Her voice sounded like an icicle snapping in two. "You're actually _siding_ with _him_?"

"No, no, I'm not siding at all—" I began desperately, but she cut me off.

"I've heard enough," Jen said callously. She stood up and stalked off to the girls' dormitory, ignoring my attempted explanations. I stood and followed her, determined to talk this through, not to end up in days or weeks of silent battle. Ascending the steps as silently as possible, I heard our door shut firmly. I climbed another step but stopped at the soft murmuring of voices issuing from behind the door to the boys' dormitory. I hesitated, torn between wanting to resolve the argument with Jen and my own curiosity. But at the whispered sound of my own name, I moved to the door and pressed my ear gingerly against it.

"…was so pissed at you today?" The voice was Black's. Maybe it was just the fact that he was whispering, but his voice seemed more careful than his usual jaunty, buoyant bravado.

"No idea." Potter's voice was hard, and not half as quiet as Black's. Shame twisted my stomach as I recalled what I had said to him.

"She was really stoked," Black persisted, the end of his sentence an unspoken question.

"Yes, she was," Potter replied curtly. This was not the answer Black had been asking for. There was a pause, as Black waited for more information, but Potter didn't seem willing to give any.

"Did…anything happen? You know, before you left the Hospital Wing?"

"We shook hands and said good-bye like friends. Two seconds later she's hollering at me like a madwoman. You tell me, Padfoot. What happened to make Evans a basket case?" His voice was unnaturally harsh and I felt myself shriveling as he spoke. I knew I had been wrong to say those things, I was sorry now. Why was he being so mean about it?

There was a long silence, and then Black asked quietly,

"Do you still like her?" Potter took an age to respond. Why was he taking so long? I realized that I wasn't breathing.

"No," he said finally. My mouth was dry. My head was spinning. Had he said no? Or was that the wind? It was the wind.

"No," he said again. Why did the wind sound so much like Potter's voice? "In fact, I'm thinking about asking Shania Asher out when term starts again." I couldn't avoid it. Potter had said those words. Potter had said he didn't like me.

"Oh."

I felt dazed, disoriented, as if only my mind existed and my body was an addition, a side note. About to pull away from the door, I heard Potter's voice again and hastily listened harder.

"Yeah, my Evans obsession is over. It was stupid, really."

I pulled away for good this time. Potter didn't like me anymore. That was the only concept my brain seemed able to grasp. Potter didn't like me anymore.

I should have been happy about that. I _was_ happy. Now he wouldn't annoy me, wouldn't constantly ask me out, wouldn't make my life so much more difficult. Why was happiness so cold?

Suddenly I was staring at the door to the girls' dormitory, unable to recall getting there. Unable to think of anything else to do, I pushed open the door and walked inside, not even noticing the conspicuous absence of Jen's snores. I sat on the bed. You were supposed to lie down in beds, right? I lay down above the covers. It didn't feel right, but I wasn't sure I would even recognize right if I was confronted with it.

I tried to sleep. My thoughts were frighteningly quiet. I couldn't latch on to a single thought but somehow I couldn't sleep either. Then one sentence formed in my mind and began to chant itself over and over, a verbal lullaby:

Potter didn't like me anymore.

I passed the night in that thin, tremulous layer of sleep where you are unsure if you're awake or dreaming. I woke up six times, the sky still a resolute black each time. At six thirty I got up and dressed, hardly aware of what I was doing. Five whole minutes were spent trying to put my leg through the sleeve of my sweater. My mind was still so eerily silent. Finally, I got dressed all the way and began to descend the stairs.

When I reached the common room, I found for the second time that it was not empty. In the same chair where Jen had been sitting hours ago, also staring at the now warmly blazing fire, sat Potter.

I looked at him and suddenly it was as if the switch had been flipped on in my brain. My mind began to teem with thoughts, emotions and wild, half-formed ideas. I felt hurt, and guilty, and most of all I knew that despite all my best efforts at self-defense, I cared what Potter thought about me. A month ago I wouldn't have cared. Hell, two weeks ago I wouldn't have cared. But I did now. Because I liked Potter. As a friend.

I walked forward.

"Potter," I said. He seemed to stiffen at my voice. Suddenly I was desperate for him to understand, to forgive me, and in my distress the words came tumbling out almost unintelligibly. "I'm so sorry I yelled at you it's just that I was confused and hurt and I didn't know whether I was myself or not and I _hate_ not being myself and I felt like you were making me be someone I wasn't and I didn't know whether I could trust you but I heard you talking to Sirius last night and I realized, well, before then too, that you might not be who I thought you were and I'm so sorry and please like me again."

I stood there, panting, hoping he knew what I meant. Potter made no reaction to me. He merely gazed at the fire. I couldn't stand the apprehension.

Then slowly, deliberately, he stood and faced me. He looked at me for a second. I couldn't read his expression.

"So, that's how it is, is it?"

I didn't know what he meant, but my stomach clenched. He took a step forward.

"You rejected me for two years."

"Potter—"

"I saved your bloody _life_ that night and you still treated me like dirt. I was nice to you, for God's sake I got you an effing _Christmas_ present, and you won't even tell your friends who gave it to you. You won't talk to me in front of them unless you're yelling at me, you act like it's some horrible secret that needs to be kept—oh _no, _you're friends with James Potter, oh the scandal!—then suddenly you decide to be nice to me for a while and I think, huh! Maybe she's actually going to be civil to me; maybe we could be friends someday. But no, then you come out of nowhere and yell at me because you're too cowardly to disagree with your friends and admit that, horror of horrors, you might actually be friends with me. But the second I say that maybe I've had enough, that I'm sick of being treated like dirt and want to move on with my life, suddenly _you _decide that you want me to like you again. And I'm just supposed to go with that, Evans? I'm supposed to say, 'Sure Evans, what's two years worth of feeling like shit if you've finally decided that you want me to keep liking you?' What happens tomorrow, huh? What happens in a few bloody hours when your friends wake up and see _what you've done_? What happens when you lose your spine again in an hour or two and can't admit to them that I might not be such a horrible guy? What then, huh?"

"Potter, I…" I couldn't think of anything to say. I couldn't look at him. My eyes were filled with tears.

"What do have to say about all those years, huh? That was your 'bitchy phase'? You've outgrown it now?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered. He was moving closer and closer.

"You were awful to me, Evans! You were horrible!"

"I—" Under my guilt and sorrow, something hot flared inside me. "Don't say that."

"Why not?! It's true! You treated me like crap!" His voice broke, but it was more furious than ever.

"Stop saying that." The hot thing inside me reared again, but this time it remained, burning faintly, inside my stomach.

"I was nothing but nice to you for years and in the Hospital Wing—"

"Oh yeah, you were faultless," I snapped, and fury caught my heart in a reckless, burning cloud. "You never annoyed me or provoked me, you were sweet little James Potter always doing the right thing."

"You—"

"No, let's talk about _you _for a second," I interrupted furiously. "You pretend to be some traumatized victim but did _you_ ever reach out to _me_? And I don't count incessantly asking me out as an extended hand of friendship. You took every opportunity to annoy me and play pranks on me; you pestered me about dating you; you constantly ridiculed me and the fact that I don't want to get T's on every assignment—"

"So you're saying that you did nothing?!"

"I'm saying that you're not the saint you make yourself out to be! You were _just_ as bad as I was, and yet you make me out to be some witch who rejected you! Honestly, can you blame me? Would _you_ want to go out with someone like you?"

"Well I sure as hell wouldn't want to go out with someone like _you_, Evans!"

I laughed derisively. "Oh yeah, that explains why you asked me out every other day for the past two years! Admit it Potter, you were desperate for me to like you!"

"At least I'm not the one who begged me to like her again less than a minute ago—I still have my dignity. Oh wait, never mind, I lost it when I asked you out for the first time!"

His words cut like glass. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to hurt him. "If you didn't like me, then how do you explain your little emotional breakdown when I called you a jerk in the Hospital Wing? You were practically crying over it! For God's sake, I never liked you, but I thought you at least had some balls!"

"Says Miss Too-Spineless-To-Disagree-With-Her-Friends! You act like some bigshot, always yelling when someone annoys you, but you're nothing but are a coward, are you, Evans?!"

"Oh yes, you're Mr. Tough and Manly. At least I don't turn into some bloody deer and go prancing about the grounds every full moon!"

"It's a STAG!" he bellowed. We were so close now that I could have punched him. I hated him so much it hurt. Somewhere inside me, a dam burst and spewed words like bullets from my mouth.

"Why do you do this to me?!" I screamed. "Why can't you mind your own damn business?! I never liked you and I never, _ever_ will!! But you can't accept that, can you?! Like the pathetic puppy you are, you can't get over me! How could you ever have expected someone like me to like you?! You are a childish, stupid, perverted, shallow, arrogant little boy! I wish you were dead!" The last word cracked painfully.

"Why did I ever like you?!" he roared. "Why?!" He lunged forward, seizing both my arms.

"Don't _touch _me, Potter!" I screamed and wrenched out his grasp. With all the force I possessed I slapped him. He reeled, touching his cheek.

There was absolute silence. I glared at him, tears pouring down my face. I hated him more than I could bear. He seemed lost for words. Then his shoulders slumped. He didn't look angry anymore, just unendurably tired. I felt the fire inside me go out, leaving only a weary sadness in its place. We stood there for a long time. The longer time stretched out, the more I was filled with a miserable truth. But looking at him, I had to force myself to verbalize what we both knew had happened.

"This is over, isn't it?"

He looked at me for a few seconds. He nodded.

Just that, the simple movement of his head, sank into my heart and suddenly I was among the painful, rushing water of a river, carried away by the current until I couldn't see James Potter anymore, until he was just a distant memory.

I turned around slowly and walked over to the portrait hole. Without glancing back, I climbed through and shut it behind me. The corridor was breathless and I was being suffocated by my mind. I walked, not knowing where. All I knew was that any chance of friendship Potter and I had had was gone.

Somehow I ended up at the front doors. It was cold outside. An unconnected conviction floated through my mind; that if I was surrounded by snow in a frozen world, maybe I wouldn't feel so cold inside.

I opened the doors and stepped knee-deep into snow. I had my cloak and hat on, but no boots. My shoes filled immediately with snow. I stood there for a moment, sensing only through touch, feeling the iciness surround my feet. It was comforting, my pain a refuge.

I began to walk unconsciously, loving the way the wind bit at me and swirled around my body, loving the way it attacked me from all sides. I stopped suddenly and screamed a cry of pure outrage and agony, pouring all my emotion out into the wind. It lasted there for only a moment and then the air was wiped clean, erasing every trace of my cry.

I continued to walk, cleaving a path through the snow that piled up like white caps around me. The deafening sound of the wind seemed to trap in me in my mind, where every horrible thing Potter had said twirled vindictively around in my thoughts.

Suddenly a figure emerged ahead of me. I began to turn my course, not wanting to talk to anyone, when I recognized the slow, deliberated walk of Remus. Instead of avoiding his path, I took an angle so we would meet up.

A short time later, I caught up with him. He didn't make any sign of noticing me and I said nothing. There was a thawed kind of solace just in walking silently with someone.

We were circling the lake. The Whomping Willow stood barren beside it like a many-fingered hand reaching for the sky. Its movements seemed heavier, more lethargic in the cold. I was reminded of what Potter had said, _'I saved your bloody _life_ that night'_.

It was true. Whatever lies there had been in the rest of his speech, Potter had in fact saved my life. I couldn't stand being in his debt. It felt filthy.

Unable to bear thinking about it, or him, I looked at Remus. He was looking straight ahead, face stony. Even in the near darkness I could tell that his skin was greyer than usual. The sight of his face chased all thoughts of Potter from my mind. Replacing them were all the feelings about Remus that had been pushed aside by more pressing matters in the last two days: anger, betrayal, hurt, confusion and—I hated myself for feeling it—fear.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, unable to keep all these emotions from rising in my voice.

He sighed, expelling a thick cloud that swirled before dissolving into the air. For a long time he didn't speak. I began to wonder if he wouldn't.

"How could I tell you?" he said after a while. His voice was weary with sadness. "'By the way, Lily, once every month I turn into a monster that could very easily kill anyone near me'? Would you have still been my friend?"

"Yes!" I replied fiercely, but he shook his head with a sad, disbelieving smile. "Don't you shake your head at me, Remus Lupin! How would you know whether I'd keep being your friend? I know now, don't I? And in case you couldn't tell, I'm walking with you right now! I'm not avoiding or ignoring you!"

"That won't last," he whispered. I barely heard it over the wind, but it stirred the fury in me.

"Why are you being so hard on everyone? Can't you tell that we're all sick with worry for you? All of us have tried talking to you, more than once, but you just ignore us! _You're_ the one shutting _us_ out! Why would you do that to us? Everyone is scared and confused and you won't even talk to us! Why, Remus?? Wh—"

"I could have killed you!" he roared suddenly. I jumped and looked at him, terrified. The wolf inside him showed for the first time ever, bright and wild in his eyes. "I could have killed you, and Severus, and James! Do you know how much I _hate_ myself for that? I could have killed you Lily, and Severus…and James…I could have _killed_ James."

He ran a hand through his hair, the fire gone from his eyes and replaced by a deep sorrow and self-loathing. I hated myself for thinking it, but the thought spread like poison through my body: did Potter's life mean more to Remus than mine?

"You have no idea how much that knowledge has tortured me. That I could have killed James. Sirius and Peter are good friends, but James is…my best friend." He had an odd expression on his face as he said this. It was touched and reverent, but also slightly confused, as if he had never expected to have a best friend.

I wondered with a pang if Remus had had any friends before Hogwarts. I had never asked him.

"James befriended me even though I was poor and unpopular. He sought me out. He is the reason that Sirius and Peter are my friends. They liked me when they met me, but without James they never would have reached out to me. Once I began to hang out with the elite James Potter and Sirius Black I became, if not popular, at least acknowledged and liked. But James was the only one who took the first step, who became my friend simply for my friendship."

"I did," I said, stung. Remus smiled at me.

"Yes, but to you that was nothing out of the ordinary. It's in your nature to reach out to the unpopular, to befriend and be kind to those who have need of you."

"I'm not your friend out of charity," I snapped.

"I know this will all be hard for you to hear, what with your argument with James." I looked at him, stunned. How could he have known that I just fought with Potter? He noticed my expression. "I might have been reclusive, but I wasn't oblivious. I heard Sirius and James talking about how you yelled at him. And Lily—"

"Spare me the lectures," I said wearily. "Karma's already got me back, and then some. Jen isn't talking to me and any relationship I had with Potter is over."

"Oh."

"I still don't see why you didn't tell me," I muttered. Remus sighed again.

"Lily, friends are something of a luxury to me. I couldn't do anything to jeopardize my own happiness and security, even if it meant that I was putting you in danger. I'm too much of a coward."

"You're not a coward."

"Yes, I am," he said firmly. There was silence as we continued to walk. Light was diluting the dark sky, turning it into a gray watercolor.

"I—can understand," Remus began hesitantly, "if you don't want to spend as much time around me anymore. I think I might even have to insist that you don't."

"Don't be a prat," I said. "I'm sticking with you."

He shook his head. "I wouldn't have expected you to say anything different. But you don't know what you're dealing with. You don't know how bad it can get."

"Yeah, because you were a right bunny rabbit when I met you last."

"I'm serious, Lily."

"So am I."

"But what if something happens again? What if next time I actually kill one of you? And look what I've already done to you! I know all about the turning into a wolf, Dumbledore explained it to me. I've ruined your life!"

"As far as I can see, you've given me a foolproof pass whenever I need it. 'Excuse me Professor Slughorn, but I have an inkling that I'm going to turn into a wolf any moment now. Could I be excused?'"

"Stop joking," he said, and I was unsettled by his serious tone. "You know that this scares you more than you let on."

I couldn't answer him. All the half-formed questions I had pushed away were now completing themselves in my mind: _What if I change and can't change back? What if I change in front of people? What if I change in front of Muggles? Is it painful? What if I pass it on to my children, if I have any? _

"Yeah," I mumbled reluctantly. "Yeah, okay it does scare me some." There was look of sad confirmation in his face. I slipped my hand into his, a platonic yet connecting gesture. He looked down at me. I hadn't realized how tall he'd gotten. I smiled.

"But unless you file a restraining order, there's no way you're getting out of this friendship." He looked surprised, then confused, and before he turned away I saw tears in his eyes. The sun rose as we continued to walk around the lake in silence. The light hurt for one blinding moment as it expanded across the sky, and the snow glittered like diamonds. Then the brightness eased into a glow.

I turned to look at the last fading streaks of darkness, disappearing behind the horizon. The night had ended. The sky was growing lighter.

**A/N: Yeah, kinda corny ending. Anyways, I'm gonna try this bargaining thing again for reviews…um…If I get 11 reviews I'll bake cookies for all of you. But since we know each other only over the internet, I'll have to eat them all. Shame. **

**Phoenix Queen**


	21. Lily Evans, Meet Jesus Boy

**A/N: So, I haven't updated in a while. I apologize for that. But I think you'll find this a bit more interesting. **

**That was Monty Python, for all you ignorant fools out there. **

**Not the updating part. **

**Anyway, here's the next chappie. And now you'll read it. You'll read it and **_**like**_** it. **

**Disclaimer: Most of this crap belongs to J.K., the plotline and some characters belong to me, and of course the appearance of Jesus-boy belongs to Hot Guy in My Math Class, as it is (technically) **_**his**_** face. **

"This sucks," Jen said, throwing down her quill and collapsing back against her chair with a huff.

I looked up at her from the enormous book on the table in front of me (_Runes and Ruins: A Historical Guide to the Symbology and Magical Aspects of Early Byzantium Society)._ Her essay had made at least some progress over the past forty-five minutes—below her name and the title, the first sentence was almost halfway formed.

"Well, don't sweat it," I told her, going back to _Runes and Ruins. _"You know the hardest part of an essay is always the first seven words."

"Ha ha, you're extremely witty," she mumbled, rubbing bleary eyes with her fists. I grinned, flipping a page of the huge tome. I wondered vaguely what it was about. So far the only thing I had been able to deduce was that it was totally uninteresting.

There was a sigh from my right and Izzy set down her quill too. Her essay was nearly a page, but so full of crossings out and doodles that she'd probably have to rewrite the whole thing anyway. I looked down at the list of questions I was supposed to be answering from this book. Only three were checked off, while the other 47 still sat there blankly. I scanned down the list, looking wistfully for something that I knew how to answer, but soon gave it up as hopeless. Sighing as well, I closed the book and slumped back in my chair.

"Today is just not a homework day," Izzy said wearily.

"I'll second that," Ari commented as she sat down next to me. "I couldn't find a _single book_ that mentioned the dragon pox epidemic of Canterbury."

"Screw homework," I proclaimed. "I officially declare this a night off."

"See, now don't you feel better?" came a familiar voice from behind the bookshelves. Black stepped out, hands shoved in his pockets, grinning roguishly. "Just imagine how good you'd feel if you took my approach and declared _every_ night a night off."

"Better leave quickly, Black," Jen commented, twirling her wand nonchalantly so that her quill spun in circles above the table. "We're in a library—you might accidentally catch a whiff of a book and I know you're allergic to knowledge."

"You offend me, Jennikins!" he said, throwing a hand to his chest in mock horror. "You're implying that I would enter a library for my own purposes. As a matter of fact I was looking for ol' Moony. Seen him anywhere?"

"No," I said, shoving my stuff away in the bag beneath my chair. Black sighed, walked over to our table, and began to pull out a chair.

"Well, I'll just wait here, he's bound to turn up eventual—"

"No," Jen said, pushing the chair back in with her foot. Black blinked.

"What?"

"No. As in, no you are not waiting for Remus within a twenty-foot radius of this table."

"Now Jennipoo, that's just cold," Black said, frowning. "But fine, if you don't want me near you…" He walked over to a table far away from ours. "Better?"

"That's only fifteen feet," she called without looking at him. He grinned and scooted the chair back until he was across the room from us. Rolling my eyes at the pettiness of those two, I pulled out Little Women and flipped open to the dog-eared page. It promptly fell out of the book.

"Shit," I mumbled and, with a casual flick of my wand, resealed the page into the binding.

"No, come on! Don't be boring," Jen pleaded. "Let's play Nertz." Izzy and Ari instantly threw down what they were doing and began to insist loudly. All four of us had become addicted to the game.

"Fine," I grumbled, grinning despite myself and pulling out the decks of cards. "Who are teams?"

"Ooo, what are we playing?"

"Black, how did you even get over here without us seeing?? Get back to your own side!"

"C'mon! I'm really good at card games!"

"No, you're not."

"How would you know?"

"I know all."

"Okay fine, I'm lousy, but that way you can feel better about yourselves when you beat me!"

"Tempting though that is, no."

"Besides, I feel better about myself when you just walk in a room. I'll save a slice of the self-esteem pie for later."

"Nice metaphor, Jen."

"Thank you."

"Come **on**! Why won't you let me play?"

"Because that would violate the twenty-feet rule."

"Fine, if you won't let me play, I'll just sit right here in your way Jennipoo, and sing our tacky, annoying school song."

"We have a school song?"

"Apparently, Iz."

"_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts…_"

"Your voice is _terrible_."

"…_US SOMETHING PLEASE, WHETHER WE BE OLD AND BALD OR YOUNG…"_

"That was not an invitation to sing louder!"

"I don't honestly think he cares."

"Do you really love your own voice that much, Black? I can't imagine why—"

"…_OUR HEADS COULD DO WITH FILLING WITH SOME INTERESTING…"_

"I can't believe he knows this much of the song."

"Impressed, Jen?"

"No, more saddened really."

"I hope this song is very, very short."

"…_DEAD FLIES AND BITS OF FLUFF…__"_

"Yeah, I'm starting to think that even if it is, we'll be subjected to several rounds of it."

"Shut up, Black."

"…_BRING BACK WHAT WE'VE FORGOT…_"

"Shut it!"

"…_JUST DO YOUR BEST…_"

"Remus! Thank God!"

Remus had just wandered into the library, looking mildly surprised to see Black sitting at a table with us singing his head off. The second Black caught sight of him, he jumped up.

"Moony, ol' chum!"

"How has Madame Pince not kicked you out of here yet?" he asked in an amused tone. "What's more, how have my eardrums not burst from the horror that is your voice?"

"Well, it's quite simple really," Black grinned. "The answer to both questions is that I have a lovely voice which reminds one of the sweet nightingale singing its clear serenade from the trees."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Remus said, rolling his eyes. Jen looked up at him imploringly.

"For the love of God Remus, please get him out of here."

"Are you sure?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, an impish glint in his eye. "Sirius knows all the words to each song the Sorting Hat has sung…don't you want to hear those too?"

"NO!" all four of us shouted hastily, as Black took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

"Ah well, I guess your talents aren't appreciated by these crude, uncultured girls," Remus said, shaking his head.

"Tough break, mate," came a new voice. Potter was walking up to our table. "Hey Moony, do you know what the—"

He cut off abruptly at the sight of me. The table suddenly went very quiet. I glared directly back at him, but after a few moments of tense silence he turned his head indifferently to Remus.

"Mind if we sit over there? This table has one too many people at it."

"Oh no, don't deprive of us the witty and intelligent conversation-maker that _is_ James Potter," I said, throwing a hand to my chest in horror. "How will our lowly table survive without him?" He made no reaction to my words except the tiniest jerk of his head, as if he was fighting the urge to turn to me and start another explosive fight.

"How about it, Moony?" he asked, still staring determinedly at Remus.

"Oh—um…" Remus glanced awkwardly at me. I shrugged unconcernedly. "Yeah, sure."

"Good then." Potter turned away from us and stalked off without another word. Black followed at a slightly slower pace. Remus hesitated for a second, looking at me as if he would say something, but seemed to think better of it and walked off, joining the other boys.

"Git," I muttered under my breath, glaring at Potter. He was pulling out books from his bag, pointedly not looking at me.

"Have you talked at all since the fight?" Ari asked me quietly.

"No," I said shortly. Jen was staring down at a book as well, but her eyes weren't moving. I knew she was torn between her continued grudge against Potter and her feelings of guilt for having been one of the reasons we fought.

"How do you feel?" Ari asked, leaning in closer and searching my face. Jen gripped the edges of the book tighter.

"Angry," I said. There was silence.

"Jen, honey…that's my book," Izzy said softly. Jen started slightly, gave a noncommittal jerk of the shoulders, and pushed it over to her.

"Is that all?" Ari asked me, cautious but dogged.

I didn't answer. I had cried nearly every night now since our fight, when I knew that the others were fast asleep. Every time I saw him walking down the corridor, or in the common room, or out on the grounds, I felt a stabbing combination of hope, anger, pain and fear. I couldn't stop my brain from running over the worn edges of our fight, picking out words suddenly to prick new holes in my heart…_I'm not the one who begged me to like her again less than a minute ago…Miss-Too-Spineless-To-Disagree-With-Her-Friends…_

I didn't know what I wanted. Having the others around me, and especially having Jen talk to me again, was wonderful, but still I felt lost and unanchored, like a boat that had been pulled free of its mooring and was adrift in the middle of the sea. I wanted to talk to Potter so badly, but at the same time I knew that if I talked to him I would only end up yelling again. And how could I tell this to them, to any of them? Particularly to Jen. I knew she hated Potter—I knew she probably always would. How could I explain to her that even though I hated him more than I had believed was possible, I still found myself wanting to be with him, to talk with him?

I blinked back sudden tears and looked up. Jen and Izzy were reading, Ari glanced at me and then began a game of solitaire. I peeked over at the boys' table. Potter was looking at me. As soon as I met his gaze he looked away, as if he had been caught doing something forbidden.

I looked away too and my gaze fell on something which caught my eye. It was a boy, about my age, sitting in a corner by himself and reading. He had shoulder-length, slightly curly chestnut hair and a soft beard and moustache. Usually I hated facial hair on guys under twenty, but it seemed right on his face—sweeping, gentle, like a caress. The light fell conveniently onto him from an open window above and he looked remarkably like someone I had seen in paintings, or pictures…

He shifted slightly and the sunlight formed a radiant halo around the crown of his head. A jolt of surprise hit me and I almost laughed out loud. The boy looked exactly like Jesus.

The more I thought about it, the more remarkable their resemblance. Even his expression as he read—quiet, reverent, serene—was nearly a direct copy of all the icons I had seen at my grandparents' house. As I watched, he shifted slightly, leaning his cheek on the first two fingers of his right hand. At the familiar holy hand gesture, I actually laughed aloud.

My laugh broke the silence of the library. Ari, Izzy and Jen looked up—so, I noticed, did all three boys at the other table.

"What's so funny, Lils?" Jen asked me, perplexed. I glanced over at Jesus-boy. He hadn't moved, or given any sign that he heard my outburst.

"Okay, don't look now, but that boy over there looks exactly like Jesus."

"What?" all three said, predictably craning their necks around to see him.

"Which one?" asked Jen.

"The one reading in the corner."

"I'm pretty sure that's a girl."

"A girl with a _beard_, Jen?"

"Good point."

"I don't see him!"

"He's right there, Iz!"

"Where?"

"Well, he's the only person in this library other than us, the boys and Madame Pince."

"I still can't see him."

"Here, we'll switch places—I have a very good view of him."

"Thank you guys for being so subtle about this."

"Okay, now do you see him?"

"That one with the beard? Wow, he really does look like Jesus!"

"He's pretty hot."

"Yes he is, Ari, yes he is."

"Now that we've made total fools of ourselves, do you think we could stop ogling Jesus-boy?"

"I guess."

As all three turned back, Jesus-boy looked up at me furtively. I felt the most interesting sensation in my stomach. He grinned slightly, and the feeling intensified. Even from across the room I could tell that he had very nice brown eyes. I felt myself smiling back without even meaning to. He returned to his book.

While my eyes were making the trek back to my own table, I caught Potter once again looking at me. This time when I made eye contact he didn't look away. There was the smallest twinge in my stomach—for what, I couldn't tell. But I broke his gaze resolutely and turned back to our table, where a game of nertz was starting.

**A/N: Kind of a random ending. Meh. I updated. **

**REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Phoenix Queen**


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